bye bye mort

Today Mort and I parted ways for hopefully ever. I don't want him to be that guy I can't let go of and have an on again/off again relationship.

I wasn't very nervous going in, more anxious. The nurse got my IV started in one stick, so she's my new BFF. i talked about asking to keep mort or seeing him, but after meeting with the doc, who is a very straightforward guy who seemed to not know what humor is, i decided against asking.

The doc kept asking if I was in remission and such, which started to make me nervous that he thought I was getting my port out too soon. The way in which he asked made it sound like, are you sure, you just finished chemo, maybe it's not a good idea. But I figured I was already hooked up and I didn't want the day to be a waste. Besides my oncologist told me to go ahead and get it out. Booya!

I don't remember this part, so it's hearsay from my father and husband. The nurse said as she was wheeling me out of surgery to recovery, that I kept talking about mort and how I was breaking up with him. Can I just say how awesome am I that in an uncoherent state I was able to articulate my relationship with mort. :P

After my husband left to go to work (which I don't remember), I started to feel ill, so my dad took me home. I laid down for a while and then felt ok. So, hopefully all I'll be left with now of this whole cancer experience is this scar, which looks pretty gnarly right now.

In the clear

I went to Dr. Proctor today and everything is OK now on my earlier issue. This means I'm in the clear for meds and docs for a while! I'll be happy to not have to lug around my "booty bag" for my meds as Dr. Proctor referred to it.

My hair is growing back quite well, however, i've noticed hair in places where I didn't before. We all have hair on our face, necks, etc, but I never used to be able to see mine. Now in certain light, I can see the hairs on my face. It's like little peach fuzz! UGH. The husband assures me you don't notice it unless you are up in my grill, but still.

I have to renew my driver's license this month, and i'm debating whether to wear the wig or just go with how my hair looks now.

I've started working out again and I'm happy. No endurance really yet, but my goal is to run the Big Ten 5k in March. It will really take me full circle, as I ran that right before I was diagnosed this year. I'm hoping working out again will help keep my weight in check. It was the highest it's ever been today at the doctor's office. I'm going to blame my winter boots. When I weighed myself at the gym the day before, the number was lower and what I was at before I got sick. Maybe the gym's scale is kinder. :P

Officially leaving the Thunderdome

Today, I am officially in remission.

It's awesome.

My PET scan came back well and now I go forward with getting Mort out Dec. 23. I have my next CT scan in March.

It's weird. I am very relieved, but it is kind of scary to know now I just wait and hope nothing comes back. My goal is to just live in the moment and try not to worry much between scans. It's a good goal.

So, this means my posts to this will most likely become even more infrequent as I no longer have cancer!

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support, well wishes and anything else you did for us. It was with your help I was able to get through this. I am very grateful. What a wonderful Christmas present. I thought it was odd how I was diagnosed at Easter and got the all clear at Christmas. :)

Love you all!

Support group established

Yesterday I went up to the Indy LLS headquarters for a new young adult blood cancer support group. There were 11 of us there and three other guys had/have HL. One guy had it twice and is in remission, one guy has been in remission for a year, and the other guy is on his fourth round of treatment.

I felt like crying a couple times hearing the guy talk about how hard it is to go through chemo and how much it sucks. It's so strange because while it's only been barely 2 months since I had chemo last, it feels like it was forever ago. I can't believe that this summer I had cancer. Now I think I understand what the people I spoke with said when I was first diagnosed - they couldn't remember a lot of details about their treatment/feelings and said it goes by so fast. It really kind of does.

I'm looking forward to this group because it's an interesting mix of people and I may actually be one of the older ones in it. The youngest is a 19-year-old with Luekemia.

Small world notes - the program manager for LLS is the daughter of an attorney and married to one. We talked briefly about it. And, the guy who has been in remission for a year - he and his wife live in Fountain Square.

I went to the gym tonight for the first time since the day I discovered the lump on my neck. It was weird being back there because again, it almost felt like I hadn't been gone 8 months. (It did once I got on the treadmill and felt tired walking after 30 minutes). Baby steps. I hope to get back into shape so I can run the 5k in bloomington in April. I ran the mini there in 07. I have no desire to do that right now, but I'd like to do the 5k. Plus, I believe it benefits scholarships for students who had cancer! Anyone want to join me? Send me an e-mail.

I missed the early signup deadline for the Indy mini 5k, so I'm debating whether to go ahead and sign up anyway.

Here's a house update: The upstairs is really close to finished!! We have dry wall, carpets, paint, and tile on the bathroom floor. Our next step is to stain the doors and trim and get those in, get a bar in the bedroom closet, and we can move upstairs! Hopefully before the end of the year, but our motivation seems to be lacking right now...haha. Who wants to stain in a cold garage? I don't! But I must and thank goodness for space heaters.

All in all, I'm doing well. I'm need to take some pictures of myself right now so I can remember how I looked. My hair is growing, but not fast or thick enough for me, and my eyebrows are back. But they came back lighter. It's very strange. No one but me thinks they look weird. I need to shape them now as they look like two fuzzy blondish catepillars are sitting on my face. I've worked one shift at my seasonal job and have another tomorrow. It's so tempting to be surrounded by all those clothes. I need to be strong and save money as we've got an upstairs to pay for now! :)

Quick update

Hello to anyone out there still checking this blog. Sorry for the long time between posts, but I simply forget to post right now. The hubby and I have been busy renovating the house, the holiday season is upon us, as is IU basketball, and now I've taken a seasonal job.

My hair is growing! My eyebrows look pretty funny but they are starting to come in well. The hair on my head is good too. I've actually gone out without a hat or wig a couple of times now. It's almost to the point where it looks like I just cut my hair REALLY short. I'm going to have to get back into a routine of shaving my legs...or maybe not. It's winter now, right? :P

Saw Dr. Proctor. Have a minor issue that hopefully some medicine will treat. I'll see her again next month and if the medicine didn't work, then I get to try something else.

Overall, I'm doing OK. I hope to continue to do so and then my PET scan comes back clean so Mort and I can part ways!

After 12 rounds, the winner is...

ME! Got the good news today from Dr. Shorty that it appears I'm cancer free. Look at me, I'm so superstitious that I don't want to come out and say that I am cancer free, but all signs point in that direction. The CT came back AWESOME and now I need to get set up for a PET scan in about 6-8 weeks. Mort and I will part ways this year since I've already racked up mondo insurance. You've been a dear, Mort, making blood draws almost effortless.

But it's not all sunshines and rainbows - I have to see another doctor for my alleged hemroid/fissure. FUN. And, I have to be careful about infections - FOR LIFE. So kids, if you have a fever, STAY AWAY FROM ME. Over 101 degree temp and I got to call Dr. Shorty. She said it's a quirk of those with HL, that our immune systems are slightly different. The debate is whether we are born with this quirk and thus predisposed to HL or if HL causes this quirk. My doc thinks it's the born with it theory. But, what it means for me is I'll still have to be careful when I get sick and avoid you sickos out there. :)

Other than that, I am good to go. Now I've got to figure out when to schedule this port to come out.

I am officially out of the Thunderome. But that doesn't mean this blog is dead, per se. I'll still update it when necessary and maybe with random non-cancer items (like how much fun home renovations are).

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. You've been awesome, but not as awesome as me, because I beat cancer. ;)

Cold

I'm not sure if chemo messes with your body temperature, but I am always cold now. Well, not always, but more than usual. The fact I lack hair doesn't help. I find myself wearing a winter hat around the house, and it's not even that chilly inside. I've actually turned on a space heater today while I work. I just thought of the idea, wish I had a few hours ago. I have on a sweater, hoodie, with the hood up and a scarf. And I'm inside a house that is 67 degress. It's going to be a long winter. :P

Scantastic

I called the doc's office today for the results of my scan and she said they were good results. However, my appointment was pushed back until next Tuesday so I won't know for sure until then if I need any more chemo or what my next steps are. So for now, good news. :)

I'm going to give everyone a tip I hope they don't have to use: If you ever find yourself needing a port, ask the doc if you can get a power port. I don't know why they are called power port, but all I know is you can have dyes and other things injected into the port. I can't with my regular ol' port. If you have bad veins you'll find this handy. Had a little trouble getting a needle in me yesterday and it's those days I wish Mort had special powers.

Light the Night

Yesterday was the Light the Night walk at Victory Field. It was a beautiful night, not too cool or hot, but a little windy. We had much better weather than our NYC teammates, who had to walk in the pouring rain!

We met at 6:30 but the walk didn't start for nearly an hour later. There were speakers, but I couldn't really hear them. It was nice and overwhelming to see how many people showed up to walk in my honor. Redteam kicked butt and raised more than $2,500 I believe! Way to go!!!

But when you have about 30 people there, it can be a challenge to speak to everyone. I have to admit I was somewhat stressed out last night, which I wanted to avoid. I just wanted to go and walk, but instead, I wanted to make sure I walked with and spoke with everyone who came. I'm not sure if I was able to accomplish that. And when you have that big of a group, it's impossible to stay together. I really didn't get a chance to take in the scenery and everything of people walking because I was too busy trying to find people in my group to talk to. It is what it is, but I still had a good night.

The best part of the night to me was when I was walking back into Victory Field with my friend Maryann and we look on the jumbotron and there's our picture!! Perfect timing! TheLLS asked people to submit photos and Maryann did. It was quite fitting and I loved it. We just happened to come in when the J people were being recognized on the tron.

I've got some pictures, and I know others took some too, so I'll try to post a few here and if you took any, can you e- mail them to me? Thank you again to everyone who came out to support me and/or raised money. It was well worth the little bit of stress from last night. Now I've got to figure out where to store the redteam banner with all your messages! :)

Afterwards, mis amigos and I went to Scotty's. I decided tonight was the night I'd have my first adult beverage since early April. After debating back and forth between beer and wine (and I was to only have one drink for the night), I went with beer. Why? Three reasons - It just sounded better, lower alcohol content, and there were $10 pitchers that night.

I must admit, the reunification with Bud Light was so-so. The first few sips took getting used to beer again (my it tastes like bread!) but after a while, I was kind of over it. I can't say I've really ever craved the beer since I couldnt have it, but I am looking forward to be able to having a cold one or glass of wine with dinner or friends every once in a while. As cookie Monster would now say, "Booze is a sometimes food."

I have my next CT scan Tuesday and get the results Wednesday. I'll learn my next steps after Wednesday, depending on the scan.

Take that cancer! Last round in the thunderdome

I finally finished my physical battle against cancer! After 12 rounds, and cancer throwing its cronies of nausea, constipation, diarreah, swelling, pain, low WBCs, hair loss, and all the other crap, i'm done!! I had the last chemo yesterday and so far so good. I'm still in bed recovering but I don't care. I'm just happy that hopefully in 2 days I'll feel good again and won't have to worry about this anymore!

Because of my delayed cancer, all my tests have been pushed back a week, but I still should know by Christmas or my birthday whether the cancer is gone. huzzah!! Still have to be careful about things, avoid smoke and drinking for now, but i may be able to have an adult beverage in the next month or so. huzzah!! :)

What a strange week

The latter half of my week was just random, strange, and stressful. You are already aware of the bad blood draw, the redraw and then the low WBC count. Then there was the incident with my port being clogged but not really so I wasted a trip to the doc's office. You, loyal reader, are also aware that I've had to have the shots again to try to boost said WBC count and hope I can have chemo monday.

Cut to thursday evening. It was a very stressful day for me. I initially wanted to take the day off because it was going to be my last chemo, but then it turned out too many people were busy in the office so I pretty much had to help at least in the morning. It was probably for the best workwise that I didn't have chemo that day because it ended up being a very busy day for us. And for me, trying to balance work, two blood draws, a port flush, and workers at the house.

If stress can mess with your WBC count, then no wonder if was low on thursday. I was in bed by 9 p.m. if that tells you how crazy of a day it was for me.

So, I'm getting ready for bed and putting on my pjs and my left ankle is swollen up like a canckle! Didn't hurt, didn't twist my ankle. Unexplained canckle. the right ankle looked ok, maybe slightly swollen. I thought, maybe it's my shoes, as I was wearing new shoes all day. I called the doc next day and came in just to be sure. She ordered an ultra sound because the swelling (which had gone down considerably overnight) was up in my lower calf area too. But the ultra sound tech didn't see anything and the doc never called me, so again, just some random swelling. the tech told me she gets a lot of chemo patients who experience the same thing. I just think my body is like, wth is going on??

I'm in chemo limbo, or chemo purgatory for all you Catholics out there. I am so close to getting through the gates of heaven (no more chemos) but yet I wait. and wait. and wait. I know I won't get sent to hell (many more chemos) so I wait to have this one, elusive chemo treatement. I just want this to be over with. I guess all my "this hasn't been so bad, i've been lucky, no major setbacks, blah blah blah" has been shoved to the last treatment. :P

Chemo = FAIL

No go on the chemo. sigh. guess my WBCs are angry and just don't want to cooperate. that means 3 more shots, blood work Monday and the hope that I'll be able to have it Monday afternoon. I'm going in to get my port flushed to help with the clotting issue.

The good news about all of this is a)I got to eat a cheeseburger for lunch b) I'll get to go to the IU game Saturday. :)

Keep sending those positive vibes my way friends!

more trouble in paradise

Had my blood drawn this morning to make sure my WBC will allow for chemo. My blood did not want to cooperate. Things didn't get off on a good start when I got there and there was no order from my doc's office. So we had to page dr. shorty and have her call in the order.

Finally we get the order, then there's so much trouble getting a blood return. Eventually we get some but the nurse is worried that my port is clotting up so I need to get an injection in there to make sure it doesn't clot.

Oh about that clotting, just got a call from the lab as i'm typing this that my blood clotted and they can't use it so now i have to go back to the lab and get it drawn through my arm. AH, but when am I supposed to go is the question as I'm stuck here with workers and need to get this done this morning.

Seriously, are the powers that be trying to keep me from having chemo?? BOO URNs. This is way more stressful than it needs to be!!

Last chemo is in jeopardy!

Stupid white blood cells, causing trouble. Turns out my count is low so chemo is now iffy tomorrow. I had my blood drawn this morning and Brandy at the doc's office calls to tell me the bad news. I say, wait, can I give myself a shot and see if that helps? She says sure! So I rush home and stick myself in the stomach for the first time. Giving yourself a shot is odd.

I will have my blood drawn early tomorrow and hope that I can have chemo tomorrow or friday. Please send positive thoughts and prayers my way that I can get this chemo overwith. I'm so close but yet, so far. :P

I'm not bendy

I tried the Yoga last night. The same cancer center that has the blood cancers support group also offers gentle stretching yoga. I like to think of myself as somewhat athletic, but boy yoga can be tough. It doesn't help that i've never been a bendy person. Just sitting in the cross-legged position started to hurt for a while.

I was of course the youngest person in it, but I'd say there were people in their 40s there so that's good. And in talking to one woman, she told me that chemo breaks down your muscle, which also explains why I feel so lame and out of shape. She also recommended I read the Lance Armstrong book (she mentioned it alot) so I will have to go reserve it from the library.

Just a week to go until my last chemo treatment! If I hadn't had to miss a week because of low WBC, then tomorrow would actually be the last, but oh well.

Chemo 11 is in the books

Hello blogger friends,

I'm still in bed. It's 5 p.m. Why you ask? because I'm awesome. I just haven't felt like getting out of bed. I don't feel terrible, but I don't feel great. Probably like last time, which ended up being ok overall. Let's hope I win this round in the Thunderdome again.

I've ordered ten items from the library about healthy cooking, cooking for cancer survivors, and what do do after cancer. Now I wait for them to roll in to the FS library to pick up. Huzzah, I love the library.

I'm stoked that this is the second to last time that I have to go through this. i'm also stoked that the dead mouse smell appears to be disappaiting. I'm also stoked that work is moving forward on our upstairs. Whoo hoo!

11!

Chemo No. 11 is tomorrow! That means i've been doing chemo for 23 weeks now (includes the week I had to skip). And trust me, it feels like it's been 6 months. This time has gone quickly but it hasn't flown by. Let's hope chemo no. 11 treats me as well as chemo no. 10 did.

I stuffed my face tonight because I really won't eat much tomorrow or Friday. It's ok that i had 4 cookies. :)

Adventures in support groups

I went to my first support group yesterday at the wellness center on the Northwest side. I was warned by the LLS rep when I called to see if I could just show up that I would be one of the younger people there. I sure was, by like 30 years. This support group is specifically for blood cancers. Everyone was quite nice, but no one had HL and we seriously had conversations about MCL (the cafeteria, not the cancer) and splitting pills. Deep stuff.

I could tell these people all knew each other and cared about each other, and that was nice. I think i'm going to try the Anna's group next Thursday, which is for younger cancer patients in general, not specifically blood disorders. Hopefully no discussions of MCL will come up.

I did learn in my group that people with lymphoma (or is it just cancer...?) are at a higher risk for blood clots in life. Woohoo! this re-emphasizes my goal to start eating "cleaner" but frankly i've just been too lazy (and cheap) to do so. I really need to buck up and fork over the extra money for organic produce and non hormonified meat.

In other cancer-related news, I'm finally off my antibotic. I think it's actually done more harm than good. It has destroyed my digestive system to the point that I'm going to the bathroom several times a day and haven't had the need for Miralax since taking the drug. I hope I bounce back soon. I never thought I would pine for a solid poo, but I am. :)

I'll get blood work tomorrow and then Thursday it's chemo no. 11! Yippee! then I'll only have one more to go. Joy!

Is anyone else excited for Halloween? I'm looking at it as an opportunity for me to get cheap, crazy wigs!

Stand up 2 cancer

Woohoo! I had labs Friday morning and I didn't need to keep having the shot through the weekend, so that means no more shot for a while! I'm not a wuss when it comes to shots, but man, these shots hurt. It may be that my husband is giving them to me and not as skilled as a nurse who does this a lot or it may just be the shot hurts.

It hit me within the last few days that my cancer run is winding down. I've had tunnel vision on to get through this that I was just so focused on getting through a treatment then getting back to "normal." I haven't done any cancer activities, gone to support groups, or really taken advantage of the resources out there for me. So my goal is to go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma support group Monday. they meet the second monday of the month up on the NW side and I completely forgot about it until recently. I'd like to meet some people with HL or at least other blood disorders. Because as wonderful as my friends and famiy have been through this, most of them have no idea what this is like (thank god!) and it would be nice to talk to others who get it. I'll try to hold off on the cancer jokes until I get a feel of the crowd. Some people don't have good senses of humor but hey, if I can't joke about it then it just makes it worse!

Stand up 2 cancer was on TV last night. I feel like the phenomenon that you don't notice something until it's pointed out to you and then you see it all the time, well that's happening with me and cancer. I didn't really pay attention to cancer that much before I was diagnosed, and now I feel like it's everywhere! Stand up 2 cancer on TV, celebrities getting diagnosed, people dying, billboards, tv shows, it's everywhere!

Light the Night is about a month away. Time to start getting your donations, walkers! And you can always make a donation to our team at www.lightthenight.org and search Redteam! :)

Hello blog readers! I'm on day two of the new shot. I believe the hubby enjoys inflicting the pain on me. Shots don't really bother me, like I know some people freak out over them, but I definitely don't like them. I don't think I can shoot myself yet. Don't think I could pull the trigger unless I had to.

This new shot is a smaller dose of pretty much the old shot. I definitely feel the bone pain sooner but it's all tolerable. I have blood work Friday to tell me whether I need to keep getting the shots over the weekend. I'm looking forward to an off weekend. Hopefully I'll get some things done around the house and get to see Kathy Griffin Sunday! woo. :)

today's post is brought to you by the letters C H E M and O, and the number 10

Number 10 is in the books! Now I just have to make my way through it. The nausea hasn't been as bad, so I'm hoping it will stay that way!! I finally got out of my pajamas (yes, it's 3:15 p.m.)

Met with doctor yesterday and she decided I could have chemo. She was concerned that my WBC count is high - 20,000. Normal is 4-7,000 I believe she said (or maybe it was 7-11,000) Anyway, as a result, the good news is...NO MORE NULESTA SHOT! that means I don't have to drag my bad feeling butt out of the house on Fridays anymore. I guess it's overstimulating my WBC.

But, there is a downside. I have to have a shot several times a week now starting Tuesday. this shot gives a shorter amount of stimulation to my WBC, so we can better control it. I can either go into the office to get the shot or give it to myself. JOY. Jonathan is going to come the first time to see how to do it so he can give it me too. Hopefully I will only need it 4 days between each round, but the doc said it could be 4-10 days. Icky.

Only 2 more times!!!!

Random bits

I realize I've neglected the blog, partly out of being busy, partly out of laziness. I apologize, especially to those of you who use this blog as a way to waste some time at work.

Here's an update on my life in the last week or so:

- The hubby and I went up to Chicago last weekend. It's probably the only vacation I'll get, although it was just a weekend trip. We were supposed to go to NYC for a wedding and then I was going to Las Vegas for fun, but cancer but the kabosh on those. I had a good time visiting with a college friend, and I surpised myself with how much walking I did. But the heat and crowds of Navy Pier got to me. I guess tall ships really bring the people in. And I hate crowds. I hate being hot, so we got out of Navy Pier pretty quickly. Interestingly enough, I noticed two othe cancer patients there. You know, we kind of stick out. Not too many women wear hats that are bald underneath or wear scarves on their heads (well, except pirates or bikers). I found that interesting because out and about in Indy or everywhere else in Chicago, I didn't spot any other fellow cancer patients, at least those who've lost hair.

-i did my part to spend money at GAP stores last weekend so that 5% of my shopping went to the LLS. I hope you took advantage of the discount and spent a lot too! :)

- Battling a little set back right now. It may be minor, it could be medium; I'll find out tomorrow. Let me set the stage. Tuesday was a very busy day for me. I was non stop doing webby things until about 5 p.m. I barely had time to eat. After work, I walked across the street to the mall and it hit me. I felt like crap. I almost started to cry in the dressing room, but didn't want to cause a scene. I noticed I was short of breath and when I would breathe in deeply, I'd cough. Of course, me being paranoid thought PNEUMONIA!! Even though I take a medicine that's supposed to help prevent that. I also worried that maybe some lymphnodes managed to grow supersize in a week since my CT scan. I powered through and made it home.

When I got home, I had a slight fever 99.2. my normal temp is 97.9ish, so this was a little high. I have to worry if I get into the 100s. As the night went on, the temp kept going up and I started to get nauseous. Wait, i thought this was only supposed to happen AFTER chemo, not before. So, around 7 I call Dr. Shorty's office. She gets back to me and wants me to get a blood draw. That night. When all the labs are closed. After some finagaling, I go to St. Francis South and have my blood drawn. She was worried my white blood cell count may be low.

Turns out, it wasn't that low. (thanks, nulestra shot!) Dr. Shorty calls me before 7 a.m. this morning to say she wants me to get a chest xray. I got that and I'll find out the results tomorrow. Dr Shorty didn't seem too optimistic in me having chemo tomorrow. I am going in for my normal chemo appointment and I guess I'll find out after she sees me.

Of course, I don't want to have chemo because, well, IT SUCKS. But, I want to get it over with, so I want to have it. I'm leaning toward hoping I have it. I'm feeling much better today, but drained. I've started an anti-biotic (boo) and struggling to take that. You, the reader, are quite familiar with my big pill troubles. And this is a big pill. I got a pill cutter to try to take it. Helps, but I still struggle because it starts to dissolve when it gets in my mouth and antibiotics are nasty. It's going to be a long 10 days. Crushing is an option, but ugh. Here's what I love though. the pharamcist says, oh crush it and put it in yogurt. it will help with your digestion issues. I get home and look at the pill bottle - says do not take with milk or yogurt. Talk about mixed signals.

That's a recap of where I'm at. I'll try to be better about keeping up. Hopefully my next post will be about how miserable i am because I got chemo.

And don't forget, there's still time to donate to our Light the Night team!!

Hello all,

Hope you enjoyed the hubby's guest post. I've been really dragging this weekend. It's so hard to predict how I'll feel. I already started to feel nauseous before they even gave me the drugs. A lot of this is pyschological warfare now. I feel ok now as far as I can move and drink and not feel like I'm going to hurl, but my appetite still isn't all the way back (and that's ok for now). I've been very tired this weekend. I ran a few errands this morning and got back and felt just exhausted. Nothing a little nappy nap on the couch couldn't cure! Just mopped and cleaned the kitchen too. We found a couple mouses in the last few weeks (just what a cancer stricken gal needs!) so I want to make sure our house is clean.
The hubby's been great taking care of me. I just can't wait until I feel better EVERY weekend!! I'm very grateful and happy that my scan came back with such good results. It shows the power of prayer and modern medicine! Thank you everyone for your good wishes and prayers. they are definitely being answered!!

Boom! Take that Cancer - Chemo #9

Hello all this is Jonathan writing in my wife's place.

I first want to start this post off with the sincerest of apologies, as I by no means have the elegance, ability, or wordsmithiness of my lady friend. Being an engineer if I were a regular contributor to this blog the number of faithful followers and friends reading this would be decreasing exponentially. I would graph that to show you all but I do not have a large enough data set and the variance would probably be too big to really extrapolate any useful information from the results.

Ok, with that being said we had Chemo #9 yesterday and got the results of the CT scan. Drum roll please......Jenn passed with flying colors. Dr. Shorty told us the the results showed significant improvement and if the CT scan after the last chemo (#12) looked the same we should be done with treatment. In fact the good Doc joked that she should make us a copy of the scan so we can frame it and we can hang it next to Jenn's IU diploma. That would work our perfectly since there is room there on the wall because I don't hang my diploma as it is from a lesser university and it can't stand aside one from IU.

Back to the test, we are ecstatic about the results. I think Jenn was too pleased and that is why she became nauseous after treatment and decided to stay in bed all day or maybe that is because of the treatment. After I think about it, I bet it is the chemo treatment. These last two chemo sessions have really been hard on her. I think the knowledge that there are only a few more remaining makes it a little easier but feeling nauseous isn't fun at all. Being a good husband I try my best to take care of her and give her anything she needs. I also get the opportunity to get on her and tell her to drink more fluids. I get to be the one nagging for once, I kid but once this is over if I have to watching another "Say Yes to the Dress", "What not to wear", "Bethenny gets Married" or "Golden Girls" I might scream.

I take that back, I am the luckiest man alive to get this time and the good Lord has helped us through this disease so we will be able to watch "Bethenny gets divorced because she is bat sh!t crazy" next year.

Can you pull your pants down more?

Heard that twice Monday at the CT scan. Apparently my zipper was interfering with the scan, so they had to stop it twice. oops. :P

I went in, got my IV started and waited. In a hospital gown in a tiny room. Turns out, they had an emergency that bumped me for a few minutes. I swear this guy was Joe, Teresa's husband from Real Housewives of New Jersey. I was convinced it was him, but then they said his name was Jerry. Let down! Hope Jerry's OK!

then I went in, they shot the dye in me, and I was scanned. Now I wait for the results. Hopefully get good news Thursday at chemo.

One question though: why must hospitals be so cold? I'd rather be cold than hot, but I hypothosized while waiting for Joe/Jerry to get his scan that the cold must help stop the spread of germs.

100 posts!

This is my 100th post. I don't know if that's a lot or if I'm slacking. Anyhoo, found out the source of my arm pain is not a blood clot. Dr. Shorty said my right arm looked slightly swollen, so she was worried it could be a clot. After an ultra sound, no clot! So, the pain remains a mystery. I think it's getting better but still sore.

Have my CT scan Monday afternoon. Pray and hope that the results are good!! (Not exactly sure what I want, maybe for the cancer to be all gone?) I'm so happy football is back. Now I'll have something to watch on the weekends when I don't feel well.

A pain in my arm

I've always kind of been a hypocondriac, but since getting cancer, I've been uber paranoid. Case in point - my sore arm. I have been convinced for the last day and a half that the chemo that was injected through an IV in that arm seeped into my arm and is causing problems. Or it's a blood clot. You know, something serious.

It's hard to explain, but my right arm simultaneously feels heavy, sore, and if i push on my bicep, it hurts. Little bit of tingling too.

I tell these fears to my husband, who lovingly brushes off my crazy and suggests maybe it's nerve damage. If the chemo had seeped, it should have done so near my wrist, where the drug was inserted. That's a good possiblity. I just find it strange that it's only in my right arm. I'm going to keep an eye on it, maybe call the doctor tomorrow.

Arm issue aside, i've been very lucky through all of this. I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through this, but I know I've had fairly mild issues and set backs compared to others (knock on wood!!). I stumbled upon a blog today while googling chemo pain from IV. An English woman living in German had a pretty rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. Her experiences are far worse than mine, including an exploding port wound!! Yes, her port wound exploded shortly after surgery. ugh...

I don't want to ever go through this again, but it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated (again, knock on wood). I think it's due to the type of chemo I get. Yes, my hair has fallen out, i've got some aches and pains, hate the nausea, and i'm over the needle pokes and tests. But like I said, I've got a pretty good prognosis and I've had it easy compared to others.

Let's hope and pray that the next four treatments and 8 weeks go as well, I don't have any set backs, and the cancer is gone FOREVER!!

That wasn't too bad

I kept the nausea in check this weekend, for the most part. Friday was the hardest, but I managed to eat yesterday and had breakfast this morning! (although I really wanted cereal, but the milk was bad!!)

I'm still very tired. Even though I feel great today (which, really is like at 75%) I'm extremely tired. I'm hoping to make it out and run some errands. Yesterday, I laid outside under an umbrella while my husband worked outside. It was very nice.

My back already kind of hurts due to my shot, but now it hurts more because my husband punched me last night. When he flipped over in bed, BAM, i got an elbow straight in the back. IT HURT. :( so, he sleep beats me. :P I kid, I kid. But it does hurt.

Mort, quit being a diva and do your job!

A little set back yesterday at chemo. Mort the port wasn't given a blood return. That's when they push in a drug and then pull back and blood comes back through the tube. I need that with my drugs because if they leak outside of my vein, it can cause severe tissue damage. The blood return says it's in the port correctly and only in my vein.

Since mort wasn't doing so, I had to get an IV and have most of my drugs through that. Lucklily they got me on the first stick and it didn't really hurt. I had to have a special drug shot into my port that dissolves any dried blood that could be blocking the port. I just had a blood draw yesterday and it worked, so maybe some of that blood didhn't dissolve.

Finally, toward the end of my session, we got a return! Hooray. I did't want to have to go to a port specialist and such. Come on Mort, only 4 more times now. (well, 8 if you count blood draws).

The thing about getting the the drugs through an IV is you feel them. they felt cold in my vein. Definitely freaked me out a little.

I'm hanging in there. Choking down anti nausea pills, attempting to eat some toast and tea and basically don't plan on leaving this couch for a while.

No.8

Hi.

Still here. Still have cancer.

Treatment numero 8 is tomorrow. 2/3 of the way done! Here's hoping for a good treatment and weekend. In a sense, it feels like this treatment has flown by but at the same time, it's not. I couldn't imagine being 2/3 of the way done in May but here I am. As someone who had chemo told me once, you just do it. I'm doing it.

I realized this weekend how many people read this blog. It gave me pause for a moment about writing about my bowel movements and other lovely personal information. But then I thought, screw it. I've got no shame anymore with this stuff. And if the public wants to know if I'm constipated, then that's the info I'll give them!

Had a pretty good time this last round. No major issues, although the pain when I pass stool came back a little this week. I'd definitely need to get that addressed in the future. Had some stomach pains this past weekend. I also find I can't stand for very long right now. I get tired and my body gets sore. hopefully once I'm better, i'll start working out again (although I should really be doing so now) and get stamina back. Also had the lower back throb today. Fun times.

Take that, hospital!

I got very good news today. I had a voicemail from the helpful insurance rep, Theresa from Aetna, telling me that Clarian wrote off the CT scan charge! They wrote off the more than $1500 in charges for no authorization. Guess they realized they goofed. I'll be getting a new bill for about $100!! I can handle that.
Health care and insurance makes my head hurt. I know the whole system needs reformed, but not sure how. It's frankly a debate I don't want to get into now, but it makes me wonder how much they write off a year and if that's also a reason why costs are so high. Nearly $3,000 last month for my two blood draws. That's ridiculous, but is that expensive for a reason. Thank god for insurance. Seriously, if we didn't have it, I'd have sold a kidney, plasma (although could I do that with chemo in me...?) and anything else to try to cover how expensive this has been. We are very fortunate and blessed that Jthan's job has a)insurance and b) good insurance. My job's insurance is ok, but definitely would have cost us more.
Moral of the story: if hospital wants to fight me in the Thunderdome, I win. :P

it's 6 am and i can't sleep

so i blog. I've been up for an hour and can't sleep. popped another anti nausea pill. hoping i will get sleepy. For your reading pleasure, here are some random thoughts and happenings that I haven't yet shared.

- I find I get looked at funny more when I wear my wig than a hat. This could be one of three reasons: 1 I just look smoking hot in my wig (what I want to believe) 2 my wig looks so obviously like a wig that people are trying to figure out why i'm wearing a wig (most likely true) or 3 my wig has shifted and they are staring at my busted wig. (also a strong possibilty)
wigs aren't not always fun to wear. they are very hot. they are high maintenance compared to a hat. you put the hat on your head and you are done. The wig requires lining it up properly on your head. wigs shift. you don't know how many times i've gone to the bathroom at work (passing many people) only to discover my wig moved and i look like crazy wig lady. :P

Hey my stomach just growled, that doesn't happen much these first days after chemo. hmm...still don't want to eat though.

Mort is a coversation starter. I have purchased some tops that cover him up and my scar, but most of the time i don't care and will wear whatever i want. I wore a deep v tee shirt out when looking for trees with the hubby and the woman at the place asked me if i had cancer. She said she noticed my port. then we chatted about cancer, she had breast cancer which i deduced before she told me based on the breast cancer tee shirt she was wearing. Turns out she went to dr. shorty for treatment but now has a different oncologist. she didn't seem to happy with dr. shorty after her treatment but didn't go into it. she did bring up a point that i have heard before: docs often don't bring up all the stuff that may happen afterwards while you are being treated. they wait until you are done and then you are bombared with it. someone told me that people who get chemo have a higher chance of depression later. I guess chemo messess with your seratonin and such in the brain.

After this treatment, i go in for 8 and then i'll have a CT scan. then we'll see who's really winning in the thunderdome. (PS, as you know, i picked the thunderdome reference before Mel Gibson went off the deep end again, crazy mel.)

I'm going to try to go back to sleep again. wish me luck.

health care runaround

I'm still fighting with the insurance company over my first CT scan - the one ordered the day after I found the lump in my neck. I went to the family doc who immediately sent me to Clarian West for an ultra sound. That ultra sound led to the doc at Clarian wanting to do a scan and biopsy. He said he had to call my family doc. Then I had the test.
I was under the impression that my family doc had to certify it...turns out Clarian may be the one that goofed. The lovely rep at Aetna was very helpful today and said she'd call Clarian and figure out what's going on. She said as Clarian was the one that ordered and performed the test, they should have pre certified it. I also don't remember signing something that said I'd pay for it, but I could have. That's key because the rep also said that if Clarian was the one that was supposed to pre certify then they shouldn't be billing me until it's worked out. I've received 3 bills with a stern warning they'll send me to collections. UGH. My account is on hold until until 8/2, but I have to call next week and tell Clarian what's going on. Hopefully Theresa from Atena has it solved by then.
On principle, I refuse to pay all of this bill (and that it's nearly $2,000) I DID NOT MESS UP - SOMEONE ELSE DID, yet i'm punished. Those stupid release forms should say "Make sure your stuff is pre certified by your insurer or else you may be billed for more than you expect." I was distraught, I don't remember what I signed. That's what I'll tell the judge. ;P

Today is 7 of 12. The count downward begins! woo. I hope to do as well as I did last time because I really didn't have too many problems this past round. Nausea sucked, but I get through it. Mind over matter. I just can't wait for this to be over!

back pain blues

I preface this post with the fact I've been feeling really good this round. I definitely am close to putting back on all the weight i lost thanks to all these good days (and baking I am doing!).

But, my lower back has been hurting off and on lately. For example, i crouched down today at target to look at something on the lower shelf, so i was kind on my feet, but my butt was in the air and i was straight up, so my back was curved. hard to explain, but it's a standard crouching position. My back started to throb so badly. It's done that yesterday and today. It's in the same place i had been feeling pain, but not like this. it's bareable, but i'm going to bring it up again to my doc. she thought at first maybe i've strained muscles going to the bathroom. that could still be in but we'll see. ugh.

No need to tell me how to raise money

I may be a bad walker, but I skipped out on the kick off for the Light the Night walk. I thought it would be more like a mixer, not a 2-hr power point presenation on how I can raise money. Our team is doing good job and I think most haven't even really tried very hard. I know we will kick butt without having to organize a bake sale or whatever. :)
Instead, mis amigas, the hubby, and I had dinner at the Rathskellar.

I have neglected to give a shout out to the two awesome gifts I recently received from my cousin. She sent me two stuffed fleet Enemen. They are awesome! Stuffed enima bottles with capes on like they are super heroes. I'll need to take pictures.

I've been having a really great week. Not too much pain, although I am incredibly out of shape. I carried a light box up two flights of steps at work and I was huffing and puffing. I definitely want to start working out again.

Monday Monday

Having a pretty good day! Hooray! Made it through a full day at work, met up with Kristin for a delicious dinner at Bob Evans and I'm not in any pain! Don't want to jinx myself because last time I had a good Monday and Tuesday then a few bad days in a row.

Wednesday is the kick off for Light the Night at the Rathskellar. Kate, the hubby and I are planning on going. If you'd like to join us walking or make a donation, you can do so at Lightthenight.org and search for redteam. :)

Also my friend Missy has organized a kickball game fundraiser for two great cancer organizations for children at Sahm Park in September. For 5$ you can play kickball on Sept. 18. AWESOME. :) http://www.kick-it.org/events/sahm-park-annual-kickball-tournament has more info.

Thunderdome!

I realize my thunderdome references have been lacking lately. that could be because I picked an analogy for something I know little about. I know there's a thunderdome in the Mad Max movie, but only because of the title. I have more knowledge of thunderdomes based on the classic 1995 rap song "California love" by Dr. Dre and Tupac. Still may favorite rap song and yes, I still know most of the words...
but i'm pretty sure that contraption they were driving to was a thunderdome.

Are thunderdomes supposed to be futuristic? When are we going to have to start fightin one another in thunderdomes for supremecy? I'm thinking 2200 or maybe 2016.

Why going through chemo is like being pregant

Disclaimer. I've never been pregnant and make the following comparisons based on stories moms have told me and books, tv, and movies.

1. Nauseau- Pregnant ladies' nausea usually lasts a trimester and may be more frequent where as I am only constantly nausaus for a couple weekends a month. But my nauseau is around for 6 months.
2. Trouble sleeping - Pregnant ladies can't get comfortable later in the baby-baking process. I have problems sleeping after chemo. For example I passed out around 10pm last night but then woke up at 11:30, 1:20 (popped another AN pill) and was up until after 2. Hubby's alarm went off at 5, and I was up until nearly 6:30. Woke up at 7:45 and popped another pill. My mind races for some reason and I can't sleep. That's how I thought of this blog topic and several to follow. Be prepared for some creative genius.
3. Constipation - i'm not sure why this happens to expecting ladies but it happens to me! I think I've combatted it with a healthy dose of Miralax each night. Which brings me to...
4. Hemroids and tears, oh my! Women in the family way get these from pushing out that baby-shaped watermelon. I get them from trying to go to the bathroom after not going for 3 days to the extreme of going too much. I don't have hemorids but doc things I got a tear. So now I get to put medicine in my butt to heal it. Joy. Isn't having cancer glamorous?
5. People do things for you because of your condition - Pregnant laides have big bellies; I have scars and a bald head. That's how you know we are the way we are. I get cut some (needed) slack for not being able to stand very long or not going camping with Jonathan's friends because I can't be in the sun, in skeezy lake water and Don't want to haul around 4 different medicines with me. But I will only be able to us this excuse this summer...then I'll have to go back to my "I need indoor plumbing" excuse.
6. Going to the doctor a lot - Preggos go a lot, especially toward the end. But I trump them! I see my doc every other week for 6 months, maybe longer depending on what I do after treatment.
7. Strange cravings - Who knows why, but ladies with babies in them want pickles, ice cream, and other things. I have had a strange craving for nacho cheese a lot. Not when I'm nauseaus, but nearly every other time. It sounds so delicious!
8.New life - women have their babies, and I have a new life once this is all over. Cancer free and moving on. Perhaps I'll have a baby and be able to see how true this list is in the future. WAY in the future. :P
So there you have it.

Woooaaaah, we're half way there...

Tomorrow is the halfway point friends! No. 6 of 12, hooray! I am looking forward to it but yet dreading the craptastic way I'm going to feel for a while afterward. It's a lot of a mental game.
I had the quickest blood draw today! I made a 4 p.m. appointment and I was taken by 4:05. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. I was out by 4:15. I usually have to sit for 30 minutes. One time I didn't get out until 5 p.m. I'm at the mercy of the PICC team to draw my blood out of my port.
I'll keep you posted on my thoughts and feelings. ;P

No rain, no rainbow

I saw that phrase on a bumper sticker in my parking lot today. It really made me think about my situation. After I'm through with all this cancer crap, those rainbows are going to look so much better. I wonder why sometimes it pours more on some people than others. I just want the rain to move out quickly!

Had a stomach ache for most of the day. boo. Normally I'm fine by now. My last stomach ache was after I had pizza sauce...today I had pizza for lunch. Coincidence, maybe. It definitely makes it hard to concentrate and want to do stuff when I feel bad. At least work kept me busy most of the day. Feeling a little better now.

Got a doc appointment Thursday morning for the painful poo issue. OK, here's what i find funny. I have no shame in typing for the whole world to see forever that it hurts for me to poop and I may have hemoroids. Pre cancer Jennifer would NEVER do that. Cancer Jennifer does. Why? I think I have a disconnect from my symptoms and side effects from what is me. Stuff that is caused by cancer seems foreign and like it's the cancer, not me that is having the problems.

I forgot to mention earlier that the hubby was sick this weekend, which worried both of us. He went to immediate care Saturday morning to try to nip it in the bud. He had a sore throat, cough and slight fever. Normally, not a big deal, but right now I cannot get sick. I don't want to put off chemo or have to be hospitalized becuase my body can't fight an illness. So, if you know you are sick and i'll be around, stay away from me. :P

Gardening in 90 degree weather is not a good idea

Nor is attempting to break up a tree root. For the first time since I've been diagnosed, I've done hard, physical labor. In humidity and heat. Probably not my smartest move, but I felt good. At least, until the end of planting. My chest started hurting BAD.
I have a radius of pain - goes around my chest to my mid back. at first it felt like I had a huge air bubble that just needed to come out. Now it's mostly in my back that it hurts.
I immediately thought bad things because my particular chemo can cause heart and lung issues. If i get too much of one drug, it can really mess with my lungs. So, of course I start thinking the worst. Now that a few hours have passed, I think i just pulled muscles, am incredibly out of shape, and the chemo is just a minor part.
I did get that tree root broken up though. :)

Another issue I'm having is pain when going no. 2. :( Based on WebMD, I'm pretty sure it's hemroids or a fissure.Ugh. Both very common and treatable, but still, it's just one more thing to add to it. I'm not sure how I would have gotten this - if it's a delayed reaction from the first two chemo treatments when I was constipated, or if it's because i've just been so irregular. going too much can also cause problems. I can't win! I may have to sneak in a trip to el doctor before chemo thursday.

In a non cancer note, we got our backyard and front yard looking very nice. I moved our wicker chairs to the front porch because our back yard has a dinning set and a brand new two-person chaise lounge! AWESOME. But we don' have a big porch, so it's looking cluttered. Our new flowers look pretty and it's just a nice place to go and relax. It's much cooler because of the trees.

The evil trees. We are going to have to take at least one down because it hates us. TWICE a branch has broken and fallen and landed on our roof and our neighbors'. (In case you don't know, our houses are very close together). Twice we've had to get the branch down, which is not easy. If you have a good, reputable tree service you can recommend, let me know!

tummy troubles

I felt pretty good Monday and Tuesday. I didn't want to acknowledged it for fear of jinxing myself. Yesterday and today, felt worse, but still functioning. I'm having those weird stomach pains, especially after I eat. I've noticed I've been going to the bathroom alot. Ugh, chemo plus all the drugs really mess me up. I fear sometimes I may have a bladder infection. I know the monitor my kidneys because you filter out chemo through them.
the hubby hurt his back recently so hopefully his visits to the doctor will heal him! We are such a broken family. :P

tired

I've been going non stop since 7 a.m. today. My dinner is almost done and then I plan to sit on my butt all night. I'm pooped. Feeling pretty well given that I had chemo 4 days ago. I even had qdoba for lunch. I swear I crave nacho cheese all the time. :P
I find that some things I am getting an aversion to so that stinks. For example, I fell in love with edy's strawberry popsicles. Had 3 right after chemo. Then on Saturday, the thought of having one made me feel ill. Right now, they still don't sound good. but nacho cheese does! :P

I'm definitely not 100 percent by any means. Still get a little queasy every once in a while. Didn't end up as sore as i was last time, but I swear I feel my port more than ever. I can feel the tube in my neck and it just bothers me. A lot of getting through treatment is psychological...

I think my hair may be growing. The hair on the top of my head looks different, maybe longer. I've heard that's possible. It definitely seems to be falling out less. come on hair, come back soon! Wigs are hot! :(

I woke up today and felt OK. I pushed my luck and decided to take an anti nausea pill at 9:30 just to be safe. And now I feel gross. :P I can't win. Last time I had chemo, I felt sick on sunday, especially in the evening, so i'm trying to prevent that. I did have some toast and apple juice this morning. i'm pretty sure I'm slightly dehyrated, so I'm sure that doesn't help with how I'm feeling.

I also have a slight fever still - 99.0. my body temp is usually 97.9. I have to watch this - not sure if it's due to the white blood cell shot, chemo, or I have picked up something. this is three straight days with an elevated temp. Hmmm...

I'm hoping to feel well enough today to get out of the house. I'd like to find a chaise lounge for outside and go to my niece's first birthday party. but If i don't feel well, or this higher temp continues, it may not be in my best interest to get around people. :(

Same old, same old

couple days after chemo. Fighting off nausea. I've just been in and out of queasiness. Sucks. I know i've said this about a million times, but it is such a chore to take my anti nausea meds after a while. struggling with that. I hope after tonight or early tomorrow I won't have to take anymore.
Have had a slight fever today 99.1. If I get to 100 I am supposed to call el doctor. If I still have a fever tomorrow i probably won't be able to go out. I have to be uber cautious.

On a side note, today's the 3rd anniversary of my husband and my first date. Tomorrow is our 1 year wedding anniversary. My warranty expires tomorrow. He hasn't traded me in yet, so that's good.
It's funny, last year at this time, my biggest stress was the fact our church wasn't done and we had to get married in the reception hall. Now I'm fighting cancer. puts it all in perspective right?

I got 5 on it

Chemo No. 5 is under my belt. i feel gross. i felt really sick in the office, and when i got home i took some more anti nausea meds. i feel better but definitely still gross and no real appetite.
i hope that i don't have horrible nausea this time but so far its not boding well. go in for the shot tomorrow. ouchie.

Inspiration turns to panic

I recently read stories on the Leukemia and Lymphoma's web site. Some said, "I had Hodgkin's lymphoma 10 years ago and I've been cancer free ever since!" Others said "I was diagnosed in 2005, beat it, and then my cancer came back 4 years later." :( I've spent so much time focusing on today that I don't want to think about not beating this the first time.
Statistics don't always mean everything, but based on my stage, I have a 65%ish chance to beat this in 5 years. Gah. Not as good as the 90 percent if you are stage 1. Smartly, I stopped reading them because I didn't want to have a panic attack. I'm not trying to be ignorant or stupid but I think for my health and recovery, I just have to think about today.
I'm glad the US won in soccer today because now I'll have something to watch Saturday while I'm lying on the couch trying not to hurl. Hooray! :P And, if everything goes right, I'll be on treatment 5. almost half way done!!! As much as this sucks, again, I have to realize that I could have had it worse now in so many ways - I could have had to have bone marrow transpants or stems cell transpants, I could be sick more often and worse, and I could not have a great support system.

Hello friends! Sorry for the long delay in blogging. You see, I have a life outside of cancer that takes me away from here sometimes. I've just been busy with work and having a social life, as well as not really having much to blog about. I don't want to bore you with the same ol' same ol' "I'm nauseas" "My stomach hurts" "I've pooped!" I don't want to sound like a broken record.
I also find when I'm feeling OK, I blog less, so take a lack of posts as a good sign for me.
I've worn my wig a few times, but it's been so hot that I don't want to. It makes me warm wearing it. I wore it to work twice, but had to take it off a few times to air my head out. Nylon doesn't breathe. But I've gotten many compliments on it. It's a very cute wig. But I feel like it screams, HEY I'M A WIG! LOOK! And as faithful blog readers know about me, I don't really care for being the center of attention or even noticed (typically).
Monday I went to a Look Good Feel Better class offered by the American Cancer Society. I was hoping to get more out of it, but I did get a bunch of random makeup. Basically, I learned how to put on a lot of makeup - more make up than I'd ever wear. I did learn how to draw on eyebrows, so that's helpful in case mine fall out. They are still there -in fact I still have quite a bit of body hair and hair on my head. I've definitely lost a lot, don't get me wrong, but since I was a fairly hairy woman, that has been advantageous because I still have some left. I know I've lost a lot of nose hairs and that just feels funny when I breathe in sometimes.
I've been tired a lot, but this weekend has been good. I had a great Tuesday - I felt like I could have run a couple miles. Wednesday and Thursday were struggles for me. I even had to work from home one day because my stomach just wasn't right. Boo. But I seem to be back on track, just in time to start getting ready for chemo No. 5. Johnny 5 is alive!

It's 8 p.m. Sunday night and I had to take an anti-nausea pill. that never happens. I've definitely been struggling with nausea all weekend. Makes it very hard to eat or drink, and again, the problem with my AN pill is i associate it with nausea and taking it makes me nausea. the taste bothers me. I may need an alternative. ugh.
Cried pretty hard a little bit ago, but I do feel better now. The husband was here to love on me. Only 8 more times right?

I'm hanging in there. Feel kind of yucky. Serious, when your anti-nausea medicine makes you nauseas, defeats the purpose. I am hoping to feel ok enough to go watch the world cup game down the street at a local (smoke free) bar, but chances are I'll just stay here. Still feel kind of icky and iffy as far as my stomach. I have some soreness from the shot in my back, legs, and butt. ha. gone to the bathroom yesterdya and today. nothing to write home about but better than before I took miralax, so I'll take it.
I'm going to try to eat something now. Wish me luck.

Xanax (or whatever that generic form I'm taking( may become my new BFF. I popped another before i went to bed and was dead to the world for about six hours. then i was awake for 2 hours before sleeping again for an hour. I popped another anti nausea pill this mornng and i'm sipping on apple juice and eating toast. I'm hoping that i feel ok for the rest of the time. the annual nausea pill still makes me feel gross. ugh.
No pooping yet :( but i'm hopeful i will sometime today. Come on miralax work!!!
by the by i'm typing on a netbook so forgive the typos. i hate tiny keyboards. how would someone with sausage fingers use this thing?/

You may have noticed I changed the blog layout. I think this template looks much more bad ass and threatening. Take that cancer! Fear my blog!

Second time's a charm

I went into my fourth round into the Thunderdome. I fell asleep 3 times in my chair, which has NEVER happened. Turns out, taking two Xanax makes you sleeply. i intended to only take one, but I forgot I took one and then popped another about an hour later. oops. It was ok because it was still within my dosage but i've never take 2 at a time.
Got my new schedule for this month and early July, and hopefully there won't be any set backs in the future. I was a .6 with the white blood cells and they want me at 1. I can't remember the formula to get to that. Stupid math.
Dr. shorty was alittle bit concerned my cough but listened to my lungs and they are fine. I'll have to watch if I keep having a dry cough. could be a sign of puliminary fibrosis or something. Also, have to watch the nerve issues. She said as long as the nerve tingliness goes away, that's OK. it's if it sticks around I'm screwed.
I'm still super tired. I took all my meds when I got home except my acid pill which I try to wait until I go to bed. I feel ok right now. Had 1/2 a twice baked potato made by my hetero life partner Lisa. (We are life partners, but not in a romantic way. We'll live together Golden Girls style when we are 70 if our husbands are no longer in the picture) The potato was delicious. My hubby had the pork,which ws a little spicy, so I passed to try to keep my stomach safe.
I want to avoid the nausea I had last time. Wasn't too bad but still stopped me from doing some things.
My wig is supposed to be here tomorrow, so hopefully I can pick it up before I get my shot tomorrow.
The World Cup is about to start and the hubby is stoked. He's got out his Beasley Jersey. I'm hoping to feel well enough to maybe join him watching the game at Radio Radio Saturday. If not, I'll just lay on my couch and watch it. I like soccer, but now I definitely know more about players and clubs etc. For example, last year, I decided to root Stoke City in the English Premier league because their name is STOKE CITY. But i believe the sucked and have to go back to the minors. :(
I'd like to feel well enough to get at least a couple hours of work done tomorrow before I get shot (with Nulestra).
thanks for all the well wishes! We really appreciate them!!

Had my blood drawn today. Hopefully my white blood cells were doing their job and regenerating so I'll be able to have chemo tomorrow. I'll be VERY sad if I have to postpone it again for many reasons - I rescheduled my Jersey Boys Tickets to next Thursday and I'm going! I was supposed to go tomorrow but because of the chemo switch, I had to move the tickets. I don't want to do it again.
So, if all goes well, I'll have chemo, then go in Friday for a shot. yay.
I apparently have a good port. Everyone who's used it to draw blood compliments me on it. Today, the nurse asked me if she just has to poke it in the center. She said that some people's ports shift or something. I'm like, uh, what? No, Mort follows directions and he is where he should be. Dr. Gupta does good work, so if you ever need a port, I recommend him. :)

She also asked me what size needle they usually use. How do I know? The one that comes in that sterile bag! :P She didn't ask because she was dumb, but she just wanted to follow with what I've always done. But I don't know these things. I have to turn away half the time because it's weird seing a tube coming out of my chest with blood in it.

Light the Night update: We're 42 percent to our goal! Kate up'd it to $1500. Woo! I've got $275. yay! If you're feeling generous, feel free to donate at http://pages.lightthenight.org/in/Indianap10/JNelson
:)

Hello

I'm still here, but nothing too much to report on. I have a blood draw tomorrow and hopefully the WBC count is up. I want to have chemo, as weird as it sounds because I just want to get this over with.
Since having an extra week between chemo, I've put on some weight. It's probably for the best, but frankly, I was enjoying being 10 pounds lighter. :P Not that I want to lose a lot of weight, but again, got to look at the positives, right? ;)

blessing in disguise

Not having chemo yesterday turned out to be a blessing in disguise (at least, that's how I feel right now). If I wasn't able to work today, we would have been screwed. We were down two men, trying to get a paper out, and deal with the new site.
We found out Friday morning that we were not going to be locked out today and in fact, will be locked out Monday and Tuesday. this is NOT good. Basically, we'll have to get all the new issue stories in the site wednesday morning. Most likely after the new site goes live. joy.
For some reason, I've had some left knee pain today. Can't figure it out. I don't recall tweaking it or hitting it on anything. It's just really sore if bent a certain way. I'm going to go ahead and blame cancer. :P maybe it's my low WBC count. Or maybe my knee is just not feeling it right now.
I've been feeling ok, but definitely tired. again, i'm going to blame the WBC count.

No chemo for me

I got to Dr. Shorty's this afternoon for chemo only to find out that my white blood cell count is too low to have chemo today. If i went ahead and had it, chances are I'd end up in the hospital.
This isn't uncommon and pushes me back a week. By then, the thought is my WBC count will be back up to a level inwhich I can have the chemo. This also means that I'll have to have that nuestra shot each Friday after chemo. It bumps up my wbc count. I had it right after my first treatment. I was afraid based on what I had read that it wold debilitate me, but I don't remember it being too bad. Perhaps I should go back and ready my previous posts. It can cause severe bone pain. I remember feeling sore, but nothing that wasn't tolerable. It went away after a few days.
I'm disappointed because this means I will be done later than I expected. I knew when my treatments were and were able to plan stuff around them. Now when I thought I'd feel good this month, I won't, and vice versa. For example, we have Jersey Boys tickets for next Thursday. That' chemo day now and so I can't go. I'm hoping I can move them to another night. :(
The silver lining in this set back is that I will hopefully feel fine when we launch our new Web site next week. My fear was I'd feel like crap and be useless. Maybe this is God's way of making sure I can be of most use to my company. So, I get another week of feeling good. I am tired though. Not sure if it's the low WBC count, or the disappointment of not getting another treatment over with.

Four!

Editor's note: Math was never my strong suit, so I got my numbers wrong. Today I will be a THIRD of the way through, 33 percent! Carry on.
Tomorrow is round No. 4 in the bout between cancer and me. Hooha! In one way, this time is going very quickly, but in another, it's moving at a snails pace. October seems so far away.
As I recently wrote, I've been feeling really good lately. I'm not 100 percent, and wont' be until after all this crap is gone, but I'd say I've been at 89%. Tummy still kind of hurts occassionally, but nothing like last time.
I had Budbs tonight for dinner - I may regret it later. ;)It's the first time I've had it since the week I found the lump. I missed you Bdubs.
I had my blood draw today and every time I go, the people do it differently. I haven't had the same person. Some clean my port off, some don't. One lady made me wear a mask because shes' uber paranoid. At least the numbing cream works!
I've been busy at work and working tonight. I am going to try to get at least 3 hours of work in, maybe more. We'll see how long I can stare at the computer. For our new site, they are locking us out starting Friday until Monday. So, even if I felt ok,there really wouldn't be anything for me to do for the new site. I guess I'll just take the day off. But it's not like I've been working that Friday anyway, but I was going to try to get a few hours in if I could.
My wig still isn't here, but I did get another hat. It's a white hat, similar to the girlie brown baseball hat I got. Hair is still falling out rapidly, but I think I'm not going to shave it.I see no need. Although I did find my hair in my taco at lunch. That was not cool.
I have to go in early tomorrow for chemo. I guess the late night nurse, whose name escapes me right now (Tam, Lam,) something German-ish, won't be in. I hope then to be home by 5:30. Hopefully i'll keep the nausea in check and can just be a lazy bum this weekend. :P

I realized that I haven't blogged much lately. That's due to me feeling pretty good and being very busy. Work has kept me busy in the evenings and with it being Memorial Day weekend, we've had a lot of activities.
I think the heartburn/acid pill I've been taking has been working. The farther away from treatment i get, the better I feel. I've had a slight cough the past couple days, so I probably need to mention that. I think It could be allergies.
I've had the shaved head for about a week now. I haven't trimmed it down yet; not sure if I will. i can kind of get away with this look, but buzzing it down more will really make me stick out. My wig still isn't in - apparently the color was backorded and should be in this week I believe. I hoped to have it for my friend's wedding this weekend, but I just had to free ball it. I did wear a hat in the sun.
I'm hoping this next treatment thursday goes as well as this past one. Yes, I was much more nauseas, but the constipation and other issues were minimized. I'll take a couple days of mild nauseau to feel well the rest of the time. I need to start my Miralax again tonight to prep for chemo. hoping it works as well as it did last time. I also need to focus on chugging the water and eating the fiber like I did last time.
i'm also pretty sure my MRSA medicine (Note; that's just what I call it, but it's to prevent pneumonia/infection) reeks havoc on my digestive system in the form of toots. So, I apologize if I'm around you and I toot. But it's ok, it's because of the cancer. :P
It's funny how many people I talked to this weekend who read this blog. It's weird to think other people read this sometimes, but it's also good so that people know what's going on with me. I appreciate everyone's good wishes and support. It really makes it easier knowing people are sympathetic, understanding, and just positive about it. I'm trying to have a good attitude through this - despite all the negative blog posts. I've realized I blog when i feel like crap because it's cathartic. It helps me deal with how I feel. So yes, I do whine and complain, but it's probably not as much as it seems based on this blog.
I'll try to blog some more soon. thursday is round 4 in the thunderdome, end of cycle two. I'd like to say that I beat cancer/chemo this round, so, take that cancer.

Today's awkward moment

Note to the general public - if you see a woman with a shaved head, unless you know her, don't ask her what's up with her hair.

I hope a person at my job learned that lesson today.

I was sitting at Andrea's desk, learning how to use our new website. Andrea works for another paper and is well versed in the new site, which we are going to June 9. More about that in a minute. There is a small wall that blocks off part of her desk, so you can't really see us until you are on us.

Enter "K" who comes up to the desk, sees me and stops dead in her tracks. She looks at me and says (which I can't exactly remember, damn chemo) something to the effect of "what's up with your hair?" "or why is your hair like that?"

This is exactly the kind of crap I hoped to avoid. Now I can feel myself turning red and embarrassed because I've been called out for looking different. Mind you, I'm not wearing a hat or anything because the hat was hot.

I just looked at her and nonchalantly said "I've got cancer."

Foot, meet mouth. K stutters a bit, realizing the error of her ways. She then asks me how long I've had it. After that awkward encounter, so goes on talking to Andrea about what she originally intended to.

In her defense, K didn't know I was sick. It's not like I was running around the entire office telling people. Only those I closely work with know. So I'm sure the site of me in a hat or with a shaved head was quite jarring. However, you must know I'm not some closet punk rocker, so for pete's sake, err on the side of caution and just don't say anything. or lie and say it looks good. Whatever. Moving on...

I tried my best to look extra girly today - I wore make up, a skirt and heels. The heels lasted about an hour. I got many compliments on my black fedora from Target. Too bad I don't really like hats. They are hot. They are annoying. So, it wasn't on my head much while in the office.

Here's an update on how I'm feeling - pretty good. I'm hoping the constipation issue has been worked out. I skipped the miralax last night and tonight. I'm not regular, but at least I'm kind of going without the help of the drugs. I've got the tightness in my chest, hoping the heartburn goes away soon. It's tolerable. I was able to swallow the sample pill the doc gave me to treat it, so that's good. I looked up the drug online and it has a warning that it's caused stomach cancer in lab rats. Great...

I'm still really tired. I had to leave work early and i just zoned out for a couple hours after I got home. The hubby and I ate and ran an errand and now I'm back online catching up.

About work - I'm so thankful I've got wonderful and supportive co-workers. My cancer really couldnt' have come at a worse time professionally. We are getting ready to launch onto a new web platform. As the web editor, a lot of this is falling on my shoulders to get the editoral content up to snuff before we launch June 9. As a result, I got pulled off my normal duties and am focusing solely on the new site. This gives me so much more flexibility in my schedule. If I'm tired at 2, I can go home, nap, and get back on at 4. My old duties wouldn't let me do that.

So my co-workers are picking up my old duties for now, which is such a relief. This new web site is a great distraction, but it's also a source of stress. I've had dreams three nights in row about it - seeing the new platform, categorizing stories, checking boxes. Ugh. This will be my life for the next few weeks.

As promised, here are some photos of the new 'do. As you can see, I was not enthusiastically looking forward to this.




Here's the (sorta) after. don't you love the red eyes from crying?


the mohawk has been shaved off, but I don't have a good pic of that now. My hair was buzzed at a 2, because we didn't have a 1, so who knows if it will keep falling out. It definitely feels weird. Now I have to figure out - do I still wash my hair? Do I put lotion on it?

I'm feeling much better this morning - able to eat and drink some already. I can feel the mouth sores coming on, but I'd rather deal with those than nausea. I got a good amount of sleep maybe about 9 hours, but I'm still pretty tired. If I feel up to it, I may sneak down to the outlet. But I'll probably end up sitting on my couch. :P

Do you feel that breeze?

I do because I SHAVED MY HEAD. Technically, the husband shaved it in the backyard. There were some tears, a mohawk, hair flying everywhere, but i survived. I'll post pictures when I download them.

I've done a horrible job eating and drinking today. I think my nerves really got to me today. I still feel a little gross/nauseas, but seriously, I don't want to take my anti nausea medication anymore. It makes me nauseas!! well, not really, it's psychological, but I have to choke it down. When I feel this way, it makes taking medicine hard, and i've gone 4 meds I need to take later. great. :(

I think the miralax is working, I hope it continues to help me be regular during chemo.

I went to Wigs we Care today and ordered a wig. They didn't have the color of the wig there, so hopefully i like it when it comes in. The lady said I didn't have to buy it if I don't like it. It's a cute wig, but still kind of looks like a wig. The one they had in the store was all Cruella DeVille with black in the back and silver bangs and stuff. Wigs aren't cheap, but hopefully my insurance will reimburse some of it. frankly, I don't know how much I'll wear it. I hate feeling constricted and after a while I just wanted to yank it off. It's hot. You can't tuck it behind your ears, which is what I always do. I think I look kind of ok with the buzzed hair, so maybe I'll just rock that unless it's a work event or i'm outside. Got to protect the noggin from the sun.

YAY!

I pooped!! I hope this means themiralx is doing its job and I won't have to worry about constipation!!

Don't you love how I have no shame when it comes to my bathroom habits? :)

i'm on cycle 2

Unfortuanatly I didn't travel back in time to be on America's next top model with Yohanna. I start round 1, cycle 2 yesterday. And yet again, everyone was right - you feel worse as it goes on. I felt a little crappy while getting the chemo yesterday. I got home and was just wiped out. I think I made a mistake ineating dinner. Actually I made a mistake in eating as much as i did. I should have stuck with the salad and rice and passed on the chicken creaole Betsy made. It was yummy. Oh I also had a yummy muffin/brownie thingie. Maybe that put me over the edge.
I woke upat 2 a.m. and shot straight up in bed. I felt so sick and was drenched in sweat. I quickly popped another anti-nausea pill, an hour before I was scheduled do. Luckily i didnt get sick. I slept on and off until about 8:30. Now I'm sipping on semi flat 7up. I am not due to take another pill until 7, so I hope I make it. I think my stomach just growed. I'll probably hold off a little more before trying toast.
Hopefully I can fight off the nasea because I need to drink A LOt more liquids. I don't want to get constipated again.
Since I've graduated to cycle 2, my routine changes slighty. chemo remains the same time and day, but now I only have to get blood drawn the Wednesday before. hooray! I also have to start taking Septa every day. Yes, of course I got the suspension form. I'm going to start taking in later when I feel better. I hope it tastes OK. It smells grapey. I apparently have to take this until I'm done with the chemos. It's to prevent pnemonia i think. Dr. Shorty also gave me a sample of a drug to help with my stomach. It's a pill but it doesn't seem so big, so hopefully I can take it with no problems. It's so pyschological. ugh.
I'm laying in bed typing this. I wanted to stay closer to the bathroom just in case. Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday.

Hair! Hair Hair Hair!

I'll have one less excuse for why I can't hang out - I'm planning on shaving the ol' noggin soon. I won't be able to say "Sorry, I've got to wash my hair." Wait, I never did, but you know...

As has been widely reported in this blog, I'm shedding like an animal that sheds a lot. (Cat? Dog? Llama?) The husband graciously picks hairs off of me. I've been using a sticky lint roller to clean off my pillow. I'm just losing so much hair, it's sad. While my hair still looks ok, I'm afraid to comb it or wash it. Thus, it's looking pretty nasty. I haven't washed it since Thursday or Friday. I plan on washing it again tomorrow and then that will probably be the last time I wash my original hair. Post-cancer hair will probably be different. Who knows, I could be rocking curly hair.

I hestitate to shave it because then i will look "sick." I will stick out and people will know I'm ill. I hate sticking out but that's what I will do every time I go to the office, out to the mall or just out in public. Granted, and sadly, lots of people have cancer, so it's not such a shock to the system to see a bald lady with a hat. But it doesn't make it any easier.

To help lighten the situation, because I'm sure I will be bawling when my head is shaved (and I'm starting to tear up just writing this) I want to give myself a mohawk. :) Then I'll shave it off, but I've always loved mohawks (and guys with mohawks) so I thought now's probably the best time to go for it.

I'll let you know when I decide to shave it off. My brother said he'd shave his head too. We'll find out - although I'd rather he just get a proper hair cut.

I'm feeling a lot better right now, although my digestive system is a bit off. I was back to being regular, but I started taking Miralax yesterday in hopes of preventing constipation again. My doc suggested it. It definitely messed me up this morning. I just hope that it works because constipation AINT' FUN. I'll take minor discomfort for a few days to prevent that stuff, literally.

Another celebrity with the HL

That is, if you consider a "Survivor" winner as a celebrity. An early winner on the show, Ethan Zorn, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's within the last couple years. He thought he beat it through chemo, but it apparently had spread. he had to undergo stem cell transplants, but just announced his cancer is in remission. hooray!

You can read more here: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20369764,00.html

I don't know what the future holds for me, but at this point, I think I'm on the road to beating this. Just look at my neck! the swelling has gone down a lot. It looks pretty normal now. I pray I don't have to deal with anything more than I'm going through now. that would be tough.

Thinning hair is > no hair

Don't know how long I'll be able to deal with my hair thinning. I bet I last a week or so then snip snip or should I say buzz buzz. when I touch my hair I can definitely feel it's thinned out (perhaps that's because when I touch my hair some comes out...)

Below is photographic evidence. The pillow hasn't been cleaned off in a few days, but you can see how much I lose in just a couple days.


the other photo shows how the hairs start to just fall out, they just hang on for dear life a little lower than my hair cut line, and then, they fall out. Kamakaze!

I may need to try just popping the antacid pills right after eating. it seemed to work pretty well last night. Granted, I didn't feel "normal" at any point, but at least I wasn't every in too much pain or discomfort.

It's strange how OK I typically feel in the morning. Again, I'm not sure if i ever feel absolutely "normal", but at least in the morning before I eat I tend to feel my best all day. it's strange how eating makes my stomach hurt. It makes me afraid to eat, which pre-cancer Jenn would be like, what? food is so good! Now, food has become the enemy. I eat, but just not as much as before. I also need to do better about avoiding foods that could upset the tummy. that may mean bye bye most fast food and other junk food. Sigh. I wanted to make cookies last night, because they sounded good, but I was feeling OK and didn't want to risk feeling like crap. I also didn't want to eat before going to bed.

I'm going to call the doc Monday morning, just to find out if I have any other options. there has to be better medicine to control this stomach acid issue. If not, it's going to be a long 6 months or so.

I've also had a slight sore throat, but only on the right side of my throat. Nothing horrible, but something to keep an eye on.

I tried staying up last night to watch SNL, but woke up at 11:46 p.m. and realized I'd rather sleep, so I missed it. I haven't stayed up past midnight in a long time now. Lame, yes, but excusable.

The hair is falling out at a good clip. I'm going to take a picture of my pillow to show you. Look for that in a future post.

Let's try an experiment

I've decided to conduct an independent study on me. As faithful readers of my blog know, I've been strugglin since Tuesday with indigestion/stomach acid/etc. I took my prescription medication for it Wednesday - friday. That didn't help. Doc suggested maalox too. That provided temporary relief. I even took some generic tums last night, which I think helped a little too.

So this morning, when I woke up I felt OK. Not 100 percent, but at least not in pain. I didn't take my normal morning dose of the prescritption. I ate a little bit of oatmeal and drank some water. A little while later, didn't feel great, but not as bad as I have. A few hours go by and now I've eaten a little bit of salad about 10 minutes ago. And now I wait again... If my stomach starts hurting, then I know I'm just screwed. If I feel OK, then I think my prescription is either not working or part of the problem.

Then, I decide whether to try taking a dose of the prescription and see what happens.

I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: 7:06 p.m.
I caved and took the prescription. I wasn't feel so good after eating so I thought it wouldn't hurt. I also took some tums. then I started to feel a little better, so I ate half a bagel with pb&J on it. then I felt awful....

cut to 6:30. the hubby and I ate lasagna. I immediately popped some tums after finishing. I'm hoping to prevent the pain or equalize it. So far, well, I definitely feel weird in the tummy, but not as bad as I have. But it's only been about 20 minutes since I ate and a lot of times it takes about an hour for me to just feel awful.

The chemo is winning! Ugh. stupid indigestion

I think in the second round of chemo, cancer won. Well, more like chemo won. It has beaten me down this time. This stomach acid/indigestion/whatever the crap it is I'm dealing with is very annoying and disconcerting. My doc suggested taking Maalox too. I don't think my prescription is working. May be time to try something else. I'll have to stick it out this weekend and then I'll call Monday morning.
Seriously, if it wasn't for this, I'd feel great. It SUCKS. It makes it difficult to plan things, to go out, to work.

I actually felt pretty good this morning until I had lunch at 12:30...countdown to feeling bad. By 1:30 p.m., I was a hot mess. Took some more Maalox and made it until 5:30 p.m. at work. Ate some chick-fil-A (yes, maybe a bad decision) and guess who feels like crap again? me! but it doesn't matter WHAT i eat. I feel the pain, so might as well eat something I enjoy, no?

It's definitely affecting my food and drink intake. I know I'm not drinking enough. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I'm also contemplating shaving my head. My hair is coming out at a pretty good clip now. No clumps but lots and lots of stray hairs. The shower was kind of traumatic this morning. I held out washing my hair all week. This shower was worse than Monday's and worse than last Saturdays. this tells me that I can hold out for a while longer and prolong the inevitable, or i take matters into my own hands and just shave it off.

Seriously, one of my hairs fell into my milkshake today! I'm shedding everywhere. It's kind of embarrassing. So, will i be more embarrassed being bald or sheddy mcgee? It's also kind of depressing to see your hair fall out. My hair is pretty thick, so you really can't tell that much has fallen out. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. And if you know me, i HATE stray hairs. I think they are so gross, when you find them in a sink, in the shower, etc. GROSS.

A couple random things

Two observations:

1) I had to buy new dental floss becuase my current one tastes too much like my anti-nausea medication. Don't like being reminded of it.

2) For someone who hates seeing stray hairs, all my hair falling out is not a pleasant site. I think I'm handling it pretty well.


I'm feeling a little better. munching on some crackers. Doc suggested taking Malox too, so I'm trying that. I had blood drawn this afternoon out of the port for the first time. Wasn't too bad. I better get used to it as it's my life for every week for the next 6 months at least.

Look, I get chemo isn't going to be a walk in the park. But seriously, can't I just have a few days of feeling yucky and then get back to my life? I'm on day 2 1/2 of struggling to eat because of stomach pain, most likely caused by acid. I don't think my new prescription is working or else it takes a few days to kick in. Waiting to hear back from the doc.
Ugh, I hope that I don't have to deal with this for the rest of chemo because I'm going to waste away to nothing. A girl wants to eat more than half a banana and yogurt! Hmmm...cheeseburger.

the good things about cancer

The blog title may be a little misleading, but there are some positive things that have come out of my diagnosis. Although many may be small, I have to find the good things, right?
I've learned I can pull off short hair. I have yet to learn whether I can pull off no hair. :P

I've lost that 10 pounds I wanted to lose. I could probably lose 5-10 more and then it'd be getting into too low of a weight. I was 100 pounds in high school and beginning of college. Then I met beer. And fountain Coke. I think my license still says I'm 115. Ha. I haven't been that since I was 21. :P

I've learned to not feel guilty about missing work. Ok, well that's not really true, but I've realized I can only do so much and I'm not going to sacrifice my health for work. Before the cancer happened, I had taken 1.5 sick days in 4 years. i've taken quite a few now, some because of tests and such, and some because I just felt sick.

I've probably found something to be passionate about. I've wanted to get involved in an organization but just never knew which one. Well guess I've found it. I hope that I beat this in 6 months, get a clean bill of health, and then can help others, whether it's through the First connections program, fundraising, or other things.

Perhaps most importantly, I've felt the love and support of my family and friends. I love getting cards and e-mails,or comments from people with encouraging words and support. It's quite easy to focus on how bad you feel or how 6 months can't come soon enough, but then you get a card from someone and it helps. Sometimes I cry because it does remind me that I'm sick, but it also makes me feel good.

I just saw on the news that 1 in 3 women will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes. How sad! :( Guess I'm a statistic now. :P

I'll probably have more good things to add in the future, but here's what I've got for now.

Here's an update since it's been a few days since I last blogged.

It's definitely been more difficult this time around. After the first round, I started to feel much better at this point. Still not feeling so hot. I've had back pain, leg and foot tingling - I wonder if it's damage caused by the chemo or the bone marrow biopsy. It's not as bad today, but my back where the biopsy was done just feels weird.

Today, I've been struggling with stomach pain. I eat, and then my stomach hurts really bad. Again, I don't know if it's the chemo, aftermath of my bad weekend and my intestines are still trying to get back to normal, if it's because of the new meds I took today or just a bad coincidence. It definitely makes me not want to eat, but don't worry, I'll eat something.

I've done better drinking water today, so it's a minor victory. I've always been kind of bad about drinking a lot of liquids, but now it's even more important. I've got to work on that more.

Speaking of the new meds, I took the rantidine today for the first time. This is replacing the nasty Nexium suspension. This is a clear syrup with a strange taste. I really can't explain it. It's definitely not tasty and it will also be difficult to take, but I'm hoping it will be easier getting down and easy on my system. I guess if it's effing me up, then I'll just have to go back to the Nexium and figure it out.

I spoke with Tara on Monday night through the LLS' "First Connections" program. It matches up people going through cancer with someone who went through the same cancer and is similar in age or situation. She was 31 when she was diagnosed and was a 1, I can't remember if an A or B. but it sounds like she had pretty much the same amount of treament except she had 4 months of chemo and a month of radiation. She's been in remission since 2006 and has two kids! hooray for her! She lives in Philly. I'm sure I'll call her again in the future. She also works in cancer reseach, something she did before being diagnosed, so she definitely knows some things.

As much as I'm struggling right now, i know it's going to get worse. There are side effects I haven't experienced yet - like the weird taste in your mouth. I'm pretty sure that will happen, it's just a matter of when. Tara told me one day she went out to dinner and her food tasted like nothing. Water tasted like metal and every other drink tasted like water. Great, can't wait. My Facebook buddy Megan, who I connected with because of our shared HL diagnoses (although she was diagnosed 10 years ago when she was 14 and has been in remission since!!) also said she had that problem. Both said lemonheads were great because they masked the taste pretty well. I already got a bag, even though I don't care for them now. Tara also said she ate a lot of watermelon because it didn't taste too bad and had a lot of liquid. I think that's a good idea!!

Tara also brought up a couple good points - you will have good days and bad days and it's ok. She also said, hey this is just a six month bump in the road and it will be over before you know it. In a sense I agree with her, but it's still kind of hard to think that way.