Funny how the human mind works. I can go days or weeks without really thinking about my cancer, although I do remember that I had it every day. How can I not when I see my short hair or the scar on my chest. It's no big deal and I move on. I HAD cancer, but I'm fine now.
But then there are the days, actually the nights, where my mind is full of anxiety and fear about the cancer coming back. Typically it's been an imminent doctor's appointment triggering the thoughts, but last night, I have no idea why. I could not shut my mind off. I thought, what if my cancer comes back right around my friend's wedding in 2013, which I am in. What if I find cancer in my next scan in September, have to have chemo, and lose my hair before another friend's October wedding? What if it comes back and kills what little chance I may still have to have a baby? Will I have to have another bone marrow biopsy (which I literally fear more than anything else in my life. I was put under for the only one I had, but I have heard horror stories, and heard grown men have jumped off tables when it happens. Think about it people, needle through bone. not cool). Will I let my family down if it comes back? Will people be annoyed or bothered that I've got cancer again? What was that pain? What's that bump? Does my neck look swollen? Why did I eat that dessert it will cause cancer because cancer likes sugar! ahhhhhhhhh! Yes people, that is the anxiety taking over.
Given my somewhat anxious nature in life, I'm surprised these nights don't happen more often. I think I've handled this situation far better than I expected, but sometimes I feel paralyzed by the "what ifs" which is no way to live. But overall my life is good, so thankfully, these nights don't happen often. Check back with me in mid-September before my next scan and see how I'm doing. :P
