I realized that I haven't blogged much lately. That's due to me feeling pretty good and being very busy. Work has kept me busy in the evenings and with it being Memorial Day weekend, we've had a lot of activities.
I think the heartburn/acid pill I've been taking has been working. The farther away from treatment i get, the better I feel. I've had a slight cough the past couple days, so I probably need to mention that. I think It could be allergies.
I've had the shaved head for about a week now. I haven't trimmed it down yet; not sure if I will. i can kind of get away with this look, but buzzing it down more will really make me stick out. My wig still isn't in - apparently the color was backorded and should be in this week I believe. I hoped to have it for my friend's wedding this weekend, but I just had to free ball it. I did wear a hat in the sun.
I'm hoping this next treatment thursday goes as well as this past one. Yes, I was much more nauseas, but the constipation and other issues were minimized. I'll take a couple days of mild nauseau to feel well the rest of the time. I need to start my Miralax again tonight to prep for chemo. hoping it works as well as it did last time. I also need to focus on chugging the water and eating the fiber like I did last time.
i'm also pretty sure my MRSA medicine (Note; that's just what I call it, but it's to prevent pneumonia/infection) reeks havoc on my digestive system in the form of toots. So, I apologize if I'm around you and I toot. But it's ok, it's because of the cancer. :P
It's funny how many people I talked to this weekend who read this blog. It's weird to think other people read this sometimes, but it's also good so that people know what's going on with me. I appreciate everyone's good wishes and support. It really makes it easier knowing people are sympathetic, understanding, and just positive about it. I'm trying to have a good attitude through this - despite all the negative blog posts. I've realized I blog when i feel like crap because it's cathartic. It helps me deal with how I feel. So yes, I do whine and complain, but it's probably not as much as it seems based on this blog.
I'll try to blog some more soon. thursday is round 4 in the thunderdome, end of cycle two. I'd like to say that I beat cancer/chemo this round, so, take that cancer.

Today's awkward moment

Note to the general public - if you see a woman with a shaved head, unless you know her, don't ask her what's up with her hair.

I hope a person at my job learned that lesson today.

I was sitting at Andrea's desk, learning how to use our new website. Andrea works for another paper and is well versed in the new site, which we are going to June 9. More about that in a minute. There is a small wall that blocks off part of her desk, so you can't really see us until you are on us.

Enter "K" who comes up to the desk, sees me and stops dead in her tracks. She looks at me and says (which I can't exactly remember, damn chemo) something to the effect of "what's up with your hair?" "or why is your hair like that?"

This is exactly the kind of crap I hoped to avoid. Now I can feel myself turning red and embarrassed because I've been called out for looking different. Mind you, I'm not wearing a hat or anything because the hat was hot.

I just looked at her and nonchalantly said "I've got cancer."

Foot, meet mouth. K stutters a bit, realizing the error of her ways. She then asks me how long I've had it. After that awkward encounter, so goes on talking to Andrea about what she originally intended to.

In her defense, K didn't know I was sick. It's not like I was running around the entire office telling people. Only those I closely work with know. So I'm sure the site of me in a hat or with a shaved head was quite jarring. However, you must know I'm not some closet punk rocker, so for pete's sake, err on the side of caution and just don't say anything. or lie and say it looks good. Whatever. Moving on...

I tried my best to look extra girly today - I wore make up, a skirt and heels. The heels lasted about an hour. I got many compliments on my black fedora from Target. Too bad I don't really like hats. They are hot. They are annoying. So, it wasn't on my head much while in the office.

Here's an update on how I'm feeling - pretty good. I'm hoping the constipation issue has been worked out. I skipped the miralax last night and tonight. I'm not regular, but at least I'm kind of going without the help of the drugs. I've got the tightness in my chest, hoping the heartburn goes away soon. It's tolerable. I was able to swallow the sample pill the doc gave me to treat it, so that's good. I looked up the drug online and it has a warning that it's caused stomach cancer in lab rats. Great...

I'm still really tired. I had to leave work early and i just zoned out for a couple hours after I got home. The hubby and I ate and ran an errand and now I'm back online catching up.

About work - I'm so thankful I've got wonderful and supportive co-workers. My cancer really couldnt' have come at a worse time professionally. We are getting ready to launch onto a new web platform. As the web editor, a lot of this is falling on my shoulders to get the editoral content up to snuff before we launch June 9. As a result, I got pulled off my normal duties and am focusing solely on the new site. This gives me so much more flexibility in my schedule. If I'm tired at 2, I can go home, nap, and get back on at 4. My old duties wouldn't let me do that.

So my co-workers are picking up my old duties for now, which is such a relief. This new web site is a great distraction, but it's also a source of stress. I've had dreams three nights in row about it - seeing the new platform, categorizing stories, checking boxes. Ugh. This will be my life for the next few weeks.

As promised, here are some photos of the new 'do. As you can see, I was not enthusiastically looking forward to this.




Here's the (sorta) after. don't you love the red eyes from crying?


the mohawk has been shaved off, but I don't have a good pic of that now. My hair was buzzed at a 2, because we didn't have a 1, so who knows if it will keep falling out. It definitely feels weird. Now I have to figure out - do I still wash my hair? Do I put lotion on it?

I'm feeling much better this morning - able to eat and drink some already. I can feel the mouth sores coming on, but I'd rather deal with those than nausea. I got a good amount of sleep maybe about 9 hours, but I'm still pretty tired. If I feel up to it, I may sneak down to the outlet. But I'll probably end up sitting on my couch. :P

Do you feel that breeze?

I do because I SHAVED MY HEAD. Technically, the husband shaved it in the backyard. There were some tears, a mohawk, hair flying everywhere, but i survived. I'll post pictures when I download them.

I've done a horrible job eating and drinking today. I think my nerves really got to me today. I still feel a little gross/nauseas, but seriously, I don't want to take my anti nausea medication anymore. It makes me nauseas!! well, not really, it's psychological, but I have to choke it down. When I feel this way, it makes taking medicine hard, and i've gone 4 meds I need to take later. great. :(

I think the miralax is working, I hope it continues to help me be regular during chemo.

I went to Wigs we Care today and ordered a wig. They didn't have the color of the wig there, so hopefully i like it when it comes in. The lady said I didn't have to buy it if I don't like it. It's a cute wig, but still kind of looks like a wig. The one they had in the store was all Cruella DeVille with black in the back and silver bangs and stuff. Wigs aren't cheap, but hopefully my insurance will reimburse some of it. frankly, I don't know how much I'll wear it. I hate feeling constricted and after a while I just wanted to yank it off. It's hot. You can't tuck it behind your ears, which is what I always do. I think I look kind of ok with the buzzed hair, so maybe I'll just rock that unless it's a work event or i'm outside. Got to protect the noggin from the sun.

YAY!

I pooped!! I hope this means themiralx is doing its job and I won't have to worry about constipation!!

Don't you love how I have no shame when it comes to my bathroom habits? :)

i'm on cycle 2

Unfortuanatly I didn't travel back in time to be on America's next top model with Yohanna. I start round 1, cycle 2 yesterday. And yet again, everyone was right - you feel worse as it goes on. I felt a little crappy while getting the chemo yesterday. I got home and was just wiped out. I think I made a mistake ineating dinner. Actually I made a mistake in eating as much as i did. I should have stuck with the salad and rice and passed on the chicken creaole Betsy made. It was yummy. Oh I also had a yummy muffin/brownie thingie. Maybe that put me over the edge.
I woke upat 2 a.m. and shot straight up in bed. I felt so sick and was drenched in sweat. I quickly popped another anti-nausea pill, an hour before I was scheduled do. Luckily i didnt get sick. I slept on and off until about 8:30. Now I'm sipping on semi flat 7up. I am not due to take another pill until 7, so I hope I make it. I think my stomach just growed. I'll probably hold off a little more before trying toast.
Hopefully I can fight off the nasea because I need to drink A LOt more liquids. I don't want to get constipated again.
Since I've graduated to cycle 2, my routine changes slighty. chemo remains the same time and day, but now I only have to get blood drawn the Wednesday before. hooray! I also have to start taking Septa every day. Yes, of course I got the suspension form. I'm going to start taking in later when I feel better. I hope it tastes OK. It smells grapey. I apparently have to take this until I'm done with the chemos. It's to prevent pnemonia i think. Dr. Shorty also gave me a sample of a drug to help with my stomach. It's a pill but it doesn't seem so big, so hopefully I can take it with no problems. It's so pyschological. ugh.
I'm laying in bed typing this. I wanted to stay closer to the bathroom just in case. Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday.

Hair! Hair Hair Hair!

I'll have one less excuse for why I can't hang out - I'm planning on shaving the ol' noggin soon. I won't be able to say "Sorry, I've got to wash my hair." Wait, I never did, but you know...

As has been widely reported in this blog, I'm shedding like an animal that sheds a lot. (Cat? Dog? Llama?) The husband graciously picks hairs off of me. I've been using a sticky lint roller to clean off my pillow. I'm just losing so much hair, it's sad. While my hair still looks ok, I'm afraid to comb it or wash it. Thus, it's looking pretty nasty. I haven't washed it since Thursday or Friday. I plan on washing it again tomorrow and then that will probably be the last time I wash my original hair. Post-cancer hair will probably be different. Who knows, I could be rocking curly hair.

I hestitate to shave it because then i will look "sick." I will stick out and people will know I'm ill. I hate sticking out but that's what I will do every time I go to the office, out to the mall or just out in public. Granted, and sadly, lots of people have cancer, so it's not such a shock to the system to see a bald lady with a hat. But it doesn't make it any easier.

To help lighten the situation, because I'm sure I will be bawling when my head is shaved (and I'm starting to tear up just writing this) I want to give myself a mohawk. :) Then I'll shave it off, but I've always loved mohawks (and guys with mohawks) so I thought now's probably the best time to go for it.

I'll let you know when I decide to shave it off. My brother said he'd shave his head too. We'll find out - although I'd rather he just get a proper hair cut.

I'm feeling a lot better right now, although my digestive system is a bit off. I was back to being regular, but I started taking Miralax yesterday in hopes of preventing constipation again. My doc suggested it. It definitely messed me up this morning. I just hope that it works because constipation AINT' FUN. I'll take minor discomfort for a few days to prevent that stuff, literally.

Another celebrity with the HL

That is, if you consider a "Survivor" winner as a celebrity. An early winner on the show, Ethan Zorn, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's within the last couple years. He thought he beat it through chemo, but it apparently had spread. he had to undergo stem cell transplants, but just announced his cancer is in remission. hooray!

You can read more here: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20369764,00.html

I don't know what the future holds for me, but at this point, I think I'm on the road to beating this. Just look at my neck! the swelling has gone down a lot. It looks pretty normal now. I pray I don't have to deal with anything more than I'm going through now. that would be tough.

Thinning hair is > no hair

Don't know how long I'll be able to deal with my hair thinning. I bet I last a week or so then snip snip or should I say buzz buzz. when I touch my hair I can definitely feel it's thinned out (perhaps that's because when I touch my hair some comes out...)

Below is photographic evidence. The pillow hasn't been cleaned off in a few days, but you can see how much I lose in just a couple days.


the other photo shows how the hairs start to just fall out, they just hang on for dear life a little lower than my hair cut line, and then, they fall out. Kamakaze!

I may need to try just popping the antacid pills right after eating. it seemed to work pretty well last night. Granted, I didn't feel "normal" at any point, but at least I wasn't every in too much pain or discomfort.

It's strange how OK I typically feel in the morning. Again, I'm not sure if i ever feel absolutely "normal", but at least in the morning before I eat I tend to feel my best all day. it's strange how eating makes my stomach hurt. It makes me afraid to eat, which pre-cancer Jenn would be like, what? food is so good! Now, food has become the enemy. I eat, but just not as much as before. I also need to do better about avoiding foods that could upset the tummy. that may mean bye bye most fast food and other junk food. Sigh. I wanted to make cookies last night, because they sounded good, but I was feeling OK and didn't want to risk feeling like crap. I also didn't want to eat before going to bed.

I'm going to call the doc Monday morning, just to find out if I have any other options. there has to be better medicine to control this stomach acid issue. If not, it's going to be a long 6 months or so.

I've also had a slight sore throat, but only on the right side of my throat. Nothing horrible, but something to keep an eye on.

I tried staying up last night to watch SNL, but woke up at 11:46 p.m. and realized I'd rather sleep, so I missed it. I haven't stayed up past midnight in a long time now. Lame, yes, but excusable.

The hair is falling out at a good clip. I'm going to take a picture of my pillow to show you. Look for that in a future post.

Let's try an experiment

I've decided to conduct an independent study on me. As faithful readers of my blog know, I've been strugglin since Tuesday with indigestion/stomach acid/etc. I took my prescription medication for it Wednesday - friday. That didn't help. Doc suggested maalox too. That provided temporary relief. I even took some generic tums last night, which I think helped a little too.

So this morning, when I woke up I felt OK. Not 100 percent, but at least not in pain. I didn't take my normal morning dose of the prescritption. I ate a little bit of oatmeal and drank some water. A little while later, didn't feel great, but not as bad as I have. A few hours go by and now I've eaten a little bit of salad about 10 minutes ago. And now I wait again... If my stomach starts hurting, then I know I'm just screwed. If I feel OK, then I think my prescription is either not working or part of the problem.

Then, I decide whether to try taking a dose of the prescription and see what happens.

I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: 7:06 p.m.
I caved and took the prescription. I wasn't feel so good after eating so I thought it wouldn't hurt. I also took some tums. then I started to feel a little better, so I ate half a bagel with pb&J on it. then I felt awful....

cut to 6:30. the hubby and I ate lasagna. I immediately popped some tums after finishing. I'm hoping to prevent the pain or equalize it. So far, well, I definitely feel weird in the tummy, but not as bad as I have. But it's only been about 20 minutes since I ate and a lot of times it takes about an hour for me to just feel awful.

The chemo is winning! Ugh. stupid indigestion

I think in the second round of chemo, cancer won. Well, more like chemo won. It has beaten me down this time. This stomach acid/indigestion/whatever the crap it is I'm dealing with is very annoying and disconcerting. My doc suggested taking Maalox too. I don't think my prescription is working. May be time to try something else. I'll have to stick it out this weekend and then I'll call Monday morning.
Seriously, if it wasn't for this, I'd feel great. It SUCKS. It makes it difficult to plan things, to go out, to work.

I actually felt pretty good this morning until I had lunch at 12:30...countdown to feeling bad. By 1:30 p.m., I was a hot mess. Took some more Maalox and made it until 5:30 p.m. at work. Ate some chick-fil-A (yes, maybe a bad decision) and guess who feels like crap again? me! but it doesn't matter WHAT i eat. I feel the pain, so might as well eat something I enjoy, no?

It's definitely affecting my food and drink intake. I know I'm not drinking enough. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I'm also contemplating shaving my head. My hair is coming out at a pretty good clip now. No clumps but lots and lots of stray hairs. The shower was kind of traumatic this morning. I held out washing my hair all week. This shower was worse than Monday's and worse than last Saturdays. this tells me that I can hold out for a while longer and prolong the inevitable, or i take matters into my own hands and just shave it off.

Seriously, one of my hairs fell into my milkshake today! I'm shedding everywhere. It's kind of embarrassing. So, will i be more embarrassed being bald or sheddy mcgee? It's also kind of depressing to see your hair fall out. My hair is pretty thick, so you really can't tell that much has fallen out. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. And if you know me, i HATE stray hairs. I think they are so gross, when you find them in a sink, in the shower, etc. GROSS.

A couple random things

Two observations:

1) I had to buy new dental floss becuase my current one tastes too much like my anti-nausea medication. Don't like being reminded of it.

2) For someone who hates seeing stray hairs, all my hair falling out is not a pleasant site. I think I'm handling it pretty well.


I'm feeling a little better. munching on some crackers. Doc suggested taking Malox too, so I'm trying that. I had blood drawn this afternoon out of the port for the first time. Wasn't too bad. I better get used to it as it's my life for every week for the next 6 months at least.

Look, I get chemo isn't going to be a walk in the park. But seriously, can't I just have a few days of feeling yucky and then get back to my life? I'm on day 2 1/2 of struggling to eat because of stomach pain, most likely caused by acid. I don't think my new prescription is working or else it takes a few days to kick in. Waiting to hear back from the doc.
Ugh, I hope that I don't have to deal with this for the rest of chemo because I'm going to waste away to nothing. A girl wants to eat more than half a banana and yogurt! Hmmm...cheeseburger.

the good things about cancer

The blog title may be a little misleading, but there are some positive things that have come out of my diagnosis. Although many may be small, I have to find the good things, right?
I've learned I can pull off short hair. I have yet to learn whether I can pull off no hair. :P

I've lost that 10 pounds I wanted to lose. I could probably lose 5-10 more and then it'd be getting into too low of a weight. I was 100 pounds in high school and beginning of college. Then I met beer. And fountain Coke. I think my license still says I'm 115. Ha. I haven't been that since I was 21. :P

I've learned to not feel guilty about missing work. Ok, well that's not really true, but I've realized I can only do so much and I'm not going to sacrifice my health for work. Before the cancer happened, I had taken 1.5 sick days in 4 years. i've taken quite a few now, some because of tests and such, and some because I just felt sick.

I've probably found something to be passionate about. I've wanted to get involved in an organization but just never knew which one. Well guess I've found it. I hope that I beat this in 6 months, get a clean bill of health, and then can help others, whether it's through the First connections program, fundraising, or other things.

Perhaps most importantly, I've felt the love and support of my family and friends. I love getting cards and e-mails,or comments from people with encouraging words and support. It's quite easy to focus on how bad you feel or how 6 months can't come soon enough, but then you get a card from someone and it helps. Sometimes I cry because it does remind me that I'm sick, but it also makes me feel good.

I just saw on the news that 1 in 3 women will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes. How sad! :( Guess I'm a statistic now. :P

I'll probably have more good things to add in the future, but here's what I've got for now.

Here's an update since it's been a few days since I last blogged.

It's definitely been more difficult this time around. After the first round, I started to feel much better at this point. Still not feeling so hot. I've had back pain, leg and foot tingling - I wonder if it's damage caused by the chemo or the bone marrow biopsy. It's not as bad today, but my back where the biopsy was done just feels weird.

Today, I've been struggling with stomach pain. I eat, and then my stomach hurts really bad. Again, I don't know if it's the chemo, aftermath of my bad weekend and my intestines are still trying to get back to normal, if it's because of the new meds I took today or just a bad coincidence. It definitely makes me not want to eat, but don't worry, I'll eat something.

I've done better drinking water today, so it's a minor victory. I've always been kind of bad about drinking a lot of liquids, but now it's even more important. I've got to work on that more.

Speaking of the new meds, I took the rantidine today for the first time. This is replacing the nasty Nexium suspension. This is a clear syrup with a strange taste. I really can't explain it. It's definitely not tasty and it will also be difficult to take, but I'm hoping it will be easier getting down and easy on my system. I guess if it's effing me up, then I'll just have to go back to the Nexium and figure it out.

I spoke with Tara on Monday night through the LLS' "First Connections" program. It matches up people going through cancer with someone who went through the same cancer and is similar in age or situation. She was 31 when she was diagnosed and was a 1, I can't remember if an A or B. but it sounds like she had pretty much the same amount of treament except she had 4 months of chemo and a month of radiation. She's been in remission since 2006 and has two kids! hooray for her! She lives in Philly. I'm sure I'll call her again in the future. She also works in cancer reseach, something she did before being diagnosed, so she definitely knows some things.

As much as I'm struggling right now, i know it's going to get worse. There are side effects I haven't experienced yet - like the weird taste in your mouth. I'm pretty sure that will happen, it's just a matter of when. Tara told me one day she went out to dinner and her food tasted like nothing. Water tasted like metal and every other drink tasted like water. Great, can't wait. My Facebook buddy Megan, who I connected with because of our shared HL diagnoses (although she was diagnosed 10 years ago when she was 14 and has been in remission since!!) also said she had that problem. Both said lemonheads were great because they masked the taste pretty well. I already got a bag, even though I don't care for them now. Tara also said she ate a lot of watermelon because it didn't taste too bad and had a lot of liquid. I think that's a good idea!!

Tara also brought up a couple good points - you will have good days and bad days and it's ok. She also said, hey this is just a six month bump in the road and it will be over before you know it. In a sense I agree with her, but it's still kind of hard to think that way.

Well that was unexpected (or get ready for too much information...)

Cancer sucks. No matter what kind you have, whether it's highly curable or terminal, it sucks on so many levels. I am quite lucky to have a highly curable type, but doesn't mean fighting it is easy.
Case in point - this morning. As you faithful readers know, i've been struggling with constipation. I've been putting in a lot of work for little results. Laxatives didn't do anything. This morning, around 1:30 a.m., I was miserable. Finally broke down and called the doc. The solution - try an enima - at home or the hospital. I elected for the at-home version.
Oh boy.
My wonderful husband got up and went out in search of a 24 hour drug store. Note to readers: nothing is open late in Fountain Square. I can't imagine why. He finally found a 24-hr Kroger on the south side.
After much debate and trepidation, (and a few laughs at the ridiculousness of what was about to happen) I gave myself an enima. Seriously, did that just happen? Honestly, not really that bad, but the after effects are not fun. They work, and now instead of being backed up, it's like the floodgates of hell opened up.
I'm exhausted, physically and mentally from this. I know the hubby is exhausted as he had to get up about an hour after this all happened so he could go to work.
This is not fun. While I feel relieved I'm not longer constipated, I can't help being sad and frustrated that there is the potential for this to happen at least 10 more times.
Sitting there and getting the chemo is almost the easiest part of it all, except toward the end when I'm ready to go and the needle starts to kind of hurt in Mort. I've managed to triumph over nausea so far, but the constipation/heartburn/mouth sores are my biggest enemies. It's like they are tag teaming with cancer in the Thunderdome - cancer + side effects against me. I'm outnumbered!
I'm trying to work from home today, hopefully I can concentrate. I am struggling to stay awake. Is it October yet?

Ugh. Miserable. I think my laxative is defective.

I haven't taken an anti-nausea pill since 4:30 p.m. yesterday, so that's good. I hope I'm done with them for now. Seriously, the thought of taking one now makes me nauseas, counterproductive no?
still backed up. It's so annoying and makes me feel worse than I probably would right now. It may be laxitive time today. blah.
I'm feeling the mouth getting more sensitive - started noticing it yesterday evening in my mouth and throat. Luckily still have some Mary's magic mouthwash to tide me over until it passes. (At least I hope it passes!) Again, i could feel worse, but really I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I was able to make it to Bob and Maryann's reception for about 3 hours. I didn't get to dance much because I was tired. I also got kind of emotional as the night went on, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I was just overwhelmed, thinking about how just a few months ago I was getting married and cancer wasn't even in my mind, or perhaps I was jealous of everyone out there dancing and having a good time while I was sitting there with Mort (my port) watching. I've done pretty good trying not to get down about this, but there are times when it just hits me.

I got a huge packet of info from the local Lukemia and Lymphoma society in the mail. I'm still serious about getting a team together for the Light the Night walk in October. I can be the team leader unless someone else would like to step up for that. I think I'd like to shoot for $1,000 as a goal. That seems feasible, right?

Finally was able to sleep for about an hour this afternoon, but after waking up, I feel kind of worse. I'm doing a bad job of drinking fluids today, but I really have no desire to drink. Do popsicles count because I had one of those today. TMI warning: I'm also fighting constipation which is not cool. Ugh. I know that doesn't help me feel well either.
Everything makes me tired. sleeping makes me tired. typing makes me tired. BUT, I am going to make it for a while to Bob and Maryann's reception tonight. I've been looking forward to it for a while now. Plus, it may be the last time people see me with my own hair. It's starting to come out quite a bit now. I figure I'll let it go a few more days and see how much falls out and then it may be time to get the clippers. Bummer, but it will make showering quicker in the morning...

I'm thinking of posting before and after pics of my neck. It has gone down so much you can hardly see where it was swollen before and it was BAD before. I don't know if that's something people would want to see.

I really hope each treatment time doesn't get progressively worse because come October I'm not going to be able to function. so far, i'm ok, just fighting the nausea and constipation, but i know more crap is to come. But got to take it one day at a time, right?

Feeling hot, hot, hot

One of the chemo drugs makes me flushed the next day. My face looks like it has a sunburn. It also makes me feel warm. I had a 98.8 temp a little earlier, which isn't that big of a deal, but is about a degree warmer than I usually am. I have to monitor that because if I get to 100 degrees, I have to call my doc. that's why I have to be so careful not to pick up germs and such. So, if you know you are sick, please avoid me. I don't want to have to wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask. people will think i've got the SARS.

I'm hoping to feel well enough to make it tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to going to the reception. If I can keep my nausea in check, I should be OK, even if I'm tired. I can sit there and look pretty. :) Please send me good vibes that I feel good tomorrow!!!

I should have drank more in college

The reason? I'd be better at taking shots. As has been well documented in this blog, I struggle taking pills that are any larger than rice or a pea. Well, I need to start taking an acid reflux/heartburn med. My fear was I couldn't swallow the pill, so doc wrote the previous mentioned suspension version of Nexium.

Even though I've felt better, Dr. Shorty insisted I take it every day, so today I attempted to take it. Let me just say, the deck was stacked against me. I needed to dump the orange granules into 15 ml of water, about half a shot glass. So that's what I did, I filled the shot glass with the water and medicine. stir and let thicken. It doesn't get really thick, but it's not the smoothest going down. And it really doesn't take good. It doesn't taste awful, but it's not good.

the first time I tried to take it like a shot, fail. I never could do the "down the hatch" thus I've taken like 3 shots in my entire life. I had to spit that out and try again. Attempt two, I took it in like 3 sips. UGH. Just gross. I had to have a chaser - apple juice. :P

It doesn't help that I have lingering nausea/grossness, so I don't really want to eat or drink anything. And i have to take it at least 30 minutes before I eat anything, so that means early in the morning. I'm not a morning person and sometimes have a hard time eating in the morning. This is why the deck is stacked against me.

I slept pretty poorly last night. After my first round of chemo I slept great. this time I had a hard time falling asleep, kept waking up. I felt kind of sick in the middle of the night which didn't help. TMI alert - also had some lovely attack of the bowels last night. (I realize in normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't share my bowel movements with you, or some of my thoughts in general, however, this blog is also for me to remember all this stuff, too, so sorry if diarrhea or constipation talk bothers you.:P )

I probably got about 7 hours of sleep, just woke up about an hour ago. I'm going to try to take it easy, hopefully eat something soon, although I really want to go shoe and purse shopping... thank god for online shopping, right Aunt Merdean? :)

round two is over

So I've finished with chemo treatment no. 2, cycle 1. only 5 more cycles to go. I feel pretty crappy. Popped an anti nausea pill and laying on the couch in my pjs. I'm just exhausted, no appetite, blah. The nurse thinks I'll just progressively feel worse the more treatments I get. boourns. I also have hair falling out, just not on top of my head. Random body hair has started falling out. It's more like breaking off or something. I can't figure out if the whole hair is falling out or if there is a nub left. I guess I'll find out soon. I just hope my hair holds out for a few more days. I want to have it for a wedding reception. I did get a cute little fedora at Target last night. Have I already mentioned this? I think I have. sorry for my repetitiveness in blogs - chemo makes me forget thingsand I already have a bad memory.

I hope to fight the nausea as successfully as I did last time. Nausea ain't cool. We're waiting for my good friend hetero life partner Lisa to bring us dinner. yum. I hope I can eat some. at least my husband will be able to.

Round 2

Tomorrow I go in for chemo treatment no. 2. After this, I'll be done with my first cycle. Only 5 (10 times) more to go! Thunderdome, here I come!
I had to give blood today. My mistake in not calling ahead to see if someone could draw for my port led to me having blood taken out of my arm. I didn't even feel it! This woman was amazing. :) Sadly, I was kind of relieved Mort would be spared a poke. But the whole point of the port is to make it easier to access a vein, so I need to just suck it up and let them poke it for blood.
I'm not sure if I'll be nervous or anxious tomorrow, since I know what is going to happen. I guess I'm just more concerned about how I'll feel after. I have friends' wedding reception Saturday I'd really like to go to.
I think my hair may be getting ready to fall out. I know I've said that a lot, but I've noticed hair not from the top of my hair coming out pretty easily. Let's hope my head hair stays or just thins out a little. Just in case, I purchased another hat. It's like a fancy fedora or something from Target. It's black with a band of sequence. I figure I can wear it to weddings or something if I need a fancy-ish hat.
I feel really good right now. Again, I worry is this the best I'm going to feel for a while. Probably, but hopefully with each treatment, I still have "good days."

A hat trick! I have had 3 good days in a row. No medicine, no aches, no pains, no stomach acid, acid reflux, headaches, mouth sores, or extreme fatigue! It's been great. I'm so happy to have had these days. I've felt normal and I love it. It's almost like I can forget I have cancer temporarily.

Partly due to treatment, partly due to stress, I've lost nearly 10 pounds in a month. Sadly, this makes me happy as I was trying to lose weight before I got sick. Now, I don't really want to lose any more weight. i have a feeling I'll be yo-yoing through treatment, especially if I feel ok like I do now half the time. My hope is I stay at a healthy weight, and then I can maintain that weight when I'm done with chemo. :P

It's weird how much more heavy I feel when I hear someone has died from cancer. I just learned a neighbor recently lost her battle and Lynn Redgrave just died from breast cancer. Now it's not that I think because this person had cancer, I'm going to die. We've all got different cancers. but it does make one think more about how prevalent cancer is. Once I beat this, I want to get more involved in cancer organizations and charities. I encourage you to do so if you feel like you want to get involved in something and don't know where to start. Heck, just get involved in something that you enjoy. For the longest time, I've wanted to volunteer at Dress for Success but hours never worked out for me.

I go in for chemo thursday, so I'm hoping for a couple more good days before then.

OK, I don't want to jinx myself or anything, but so far, I'm having a "good" weekend. By that, I mean I've had minor side effects from the chemo. No heartburn/acid issues, relatively minor muscle/bone pain from walking or standing a long time, and maybe some back pain related to my bone marrow biopsy, all in all I just feel good. It's great!!

If chemo holds the same pattern and issues as this time, then I think I will be able to deal with it no problems. I'll be knocked down occassionally, but should be able to maintain a fairly normal life. However, the hubby suspects that my side effects may build on each other, meaning I'll feel worse each time. I don't know if that will happen, but I have heard that some people feel ok the first few times of chemo and then it hits them. I guess that's one of the hardest parts of this whole process - not knowing how I'll be. It makes it hard to plan to attend events, or even plan my day sometimes. Plus, I don't really have anything to compare my experiences with to say "ok, by day 15 I should feel X" or "by day 24 my hair should fall out."

I just hope and pray I can get through my next 11 chemo treatments with as much energy and strength as I got through these. I guess I'll find out Thursday. that's my next chemo day.

On a random side note, so I have this port in me. this port is to make accessing a vein easier for blood work and chemo. Yet, I don't want my port touched. Weird or normal? I have to have blood work done Wednesday and I'm debating whether to let them take it through my port or go through the traditional arm vein route. there is just something about knowing I'm going to be poked in the chest that's a bit frightening. I'm sure I'll get over this, because I'll have to be poked 1 -2 times a week for at least the next 6 months. hooray. :P