Overall, today has been a good day. Honestly, I haven't had a day when something hasn't felt bad since I started chemo, but at least it's all tolerable. I've had the acid reflux issues, and my prescription won't be in until Monday. Boo. It's some kind of pastey thing that I mix myself and drink. Hopefully it won't taste too bad and will help me feel better. Acid relfux can really slow you down and make you feel gross. At least it does with me. I definitely don't eat as much because of it.
Once that started to subside, I noticed pain in my left leg and hips. i don't know if it's a result of the shot, I just have sore parts, or what. But like I said, when one thing starts to feel better, something else acts up. Bah.
Played putt putt today at the nephew's birthday party. That tired me out. seriously, standing around really wore me out. I found going up the stairs at work wore me out. I wasn't breathing heavily, but I just felt physically tired. It's not even 10 p.m. and I could go to bed. chemo really just makes me tired.
I hope to feel well tomorrow so I can enjoy some shopping with my gal pal Lisa. I'll probably have to take little breaks in the store. Luckily, most have benches somewhere. :)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's been one week
The doc says I'm doing pretty good. All my side effects seemed normal and she said the chemo is causing the acid/stomach issue. I'm awaiting a prescription for acid reflux/heartburn.
As you are aware, I have problems swallowing pills. My doc wrote me a script for nexium suspended. But apparently pharmacies don't know how to do this. So the pharmacy has to call Dr. Shorty's office in the morning and figure out what to do. The pharmacist showed me the pill form and they weren't too bad, so I may be able to do it.
the doc said my neck looks really good on both side. My port/incisions are healing well and my lumpy neck has definitely gone down. She said that's good that it's gone down that quickly. she also mentioned I may not need another white blood cell shot for a few more times.
They sneak attacked me and had to draw blood. I demanded out of my arm because I wasn't emotionally prepared for my port to be poked. I know that's the point of the port, but it's just weird to see a needle coming at your chest. My arm is a little sore but I'm no worse for the wear.
Hopefully this new prescription will help. If it does, I think I'll feel so much better.
On a different note. I'm having a bad hair day, but hey, at least I still have hair. :P I'm not washing my hair every day, mostly out of fear. Dr. Shorty said it may not fall out, but if it doesn't it will stop growning and change texture. I can deal with this 'do for the next six months... :P
As you are aware, I have problems swallowing pills. My doc wrote me a script for nexium suspended. But apparently pharmacies don't know how to do this. So the pharmacy has to call Dr. Shorty's office in the morning and figure out what to do. The pharmacist showed me the pill form and they weren't too bad, so I may be able to do it.
the doc said my neck looks really good on both side. My port/incisions are healing well and my lumpy neck has definitely gone down. She said that's good that it's gone down that quickly. she also mentioned I may not need another white blood cell shot for a few more times.
They sneak attacked me and had to draw blood. I demanded out of my arm because I wasn't emotionally prepared for my port to be poked. I know that's the point of the port, but it's just weird to see a needle coming at your chest. My arm is a little sore but I'm no worse for the wear.
Hopefully this new prescription will help. If it does, I think I'll feel so much better.
On a different note. I'm having a bad hair day, but hey, at least I still have hair. :P I'm not washing my hair every day, mostly out of fear. Dr. Shorty said it may not fall out, but if it doesn't it will stop growning and change texture. I can deal with this 'do for the next six months... :P
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The point of this blog is not only to update friends and family on my status, but also as a way for me to remember this experience. That includes all the fun side effects. Today I feel pretty good, but I'm tired. And achy. My throat, shoulders, chest, and back are just feeling sore. Luckily my mouth and throat feel better than before. But I'm still going to hold off on drinking Coke. :(
I'm lucky that I can come home and work, like I did today. My back was just hurting so much I needed to come home. I'm tired from a bad sleep - tummy troubles kept me up a lot and kept me on edge most of the day. I never know what I'm going to get these days.
I was cleaning out my purse and found a receipt from March 28. I paused and though, wow, that was right before I found out I have cancer. It was a dinner I had with friends. Funny how much stuff can change in just a month. The hair of my co-worker who just beat breast cancer is coming back in nicely, and it's definitely more wavy. It got me thinking about how my hair will look when it comes back (if it falls out.) I hope it still looks pretty! I'm so vain. :P
I'm lucky that I can come home and work, like I did today. My back was just hurting so much I needed to come home. I'm tired from a bad sleep - tummy troubles kept me up a lot and kept me on edge most of the day. I never know what I'm going to get these days.
I was cleaning out my purse and found a receipt from March 28. I paused and though, wow, that was right before I found out I have cancer. It was a dinner I had with friends. Funny how much stuff can change in just a month. The hair of my co-worker who just beat breast cancer is coming back in nicely, and it's definitely more wavy. It got me thinking about how my hair will look when it comes back (if it falls out.) I hope it still looks pretty! I'm so vain. :P
Monday, April 26, 2010
Bummer, continued
It couldn't have been timed better - 3 wigs showed up in the mail today. these are on loan from a family friend who recently overcame breast cancer. They are pretty cute short wigs, i just have to figure out how to wear them.
But for now, i put them in a corner of a room I don't go in a lot. I really don't want to look at them because it's just a reminder of what may come. I can hope that my hair doesn't fall out, or enough stays in that I won't need to shave it off or wear a wig, but I'm not going to expect that outcome. One of the hardest parts of cancer may be the outward markers of it. When you see a woman with a shaved head, you think she's sick (unless she's Sinead O'Connor or something). At least, that's what I assume. So when I go to work, go out to the store, or wherever, if I've lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, or whatever, you will notice. Wigs are helpful, but I don't know if it can replace the confidence hair gives you. I love my hair. It's my best feature. I hope it comes back the same as it is now, but outlook doubtful.
I had two women compliment me on my hair cut today. One asked if I liked it, and I smiled and kind of shrugged. I like my hair, but not the reason for cutting it. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I have cancer, so I'm not going to say "Actually, I cut it because it's probably just going to fall out because I have cancer." ooh, awkward.
I'm glad I went into work today. It helped distract me from some symptoms I've having. It was also there that I realized my hair may be getting ready to fall out. i tried not to cry about it, especially after being complimented on my hair cut. But at the same time, I'm easily distracted and find my thoughts wandering off to lala land, whether it be about how I'm sick or just some other random thought. I'm liking the next to my building parking space. It will be very helpful in the future and probably spoil me. I don't like the price tag however. Oh well. it's worth it.
I've still got mouth, throat, and chest discomfort. The chest one is the one that bothers me the most. My doc suggested taking an antacid to see if that helps. I go in on Thursday, but if it's really bothering me, they will see me earlier. I am not sure if the chest discomfort is related to the mouth sores, just heartburn, my cancer dying or something else. It's in the center of my chest and it it's like a burning. I never really get heartburn so I'm not sure. There's also a tightness, but it doesn't hurt to breathe in or out, so I guess that's good.
I've also noticed my skin is drying out, and so are my eyes. If it's a mucuous membrane, it seems to be irritated. Not fun. Know what else isn't fun? Constipation. This too is a fairly uncommon ailment for me, so dealing with it is new.
Let's hope all the drugs i'm taking can mitigate my side effects so that i can be at at least 75% during treatment. Maybe 75% is asking too much.
But for now, i put them in a corner of a room I don't go in a lot. I really don't want to look at them because it's just a reminder of what may come. I can hope that my hair doesn't fall out, or enough stays in that I won't need to shave it off or wear a wig, but I'm not going to expect that outcome. One of the hardest parts of cancer may be the outward markers of it. When you see a woman with a shaved head, you think she's sick (unless she's Sinead O'Connor or something). At least, that's what I assume. So when I go to work, go out to the store, or wherever, if I've lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, or whatever, you will notice. Wigs are helpful, but I don't know if it can replace the confidence hair gives you. I love my hair. It's my best feature. I hope it comes back the same as it is now, but outlook doubtful.
I had two women compliment me on my hair cut today. One asked if I liked it, and I smiled and kind of shrugged. I like my hair, but not the reason for cutting it. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I have cancer, so I'm not going to say "Actually, I cut it because it's probably just going to fall out because I have cancer." ooh, awkward.
I'm glad I went into work today. It helped distract me from some symptoms I've having. It was also there that I realized my hair may be getting ready to fall out. i tried not to cry about it, especially after being complimented on my hair cut. But at the same time, I'm easily distracted and find my thoughts wandering off to lala land, whether it be about how I'm sick or just some other random thought. I'm liking the next to my building parking space. It will be very helpful in the future and probably spoil me. I don't like the price tag however. Oh well. it's worth it.
I've still got mouth, throat, and chest discomfort. The chest one is the one that bothers me the most. My doc suggested taking an antacid to see if that helps. I go in on Thursday, but if it's really bothering me, they will see me earlier. I am not sure if the chest discomfort is related to the mouth sores, just heartburn, my cancer dying or something else. It's in the center of my chest and it it's like a burning. I never really get heartburn so I'm not sure. There's also a tightness, but it doesn't hurt to breathe in or out, so I guess that's good.
I've also noticed my skin is drying out, and so are my eyes. If it's a mucuous membrane, it seems to be irritated. Not fun. Know what else isn't fun? Constipation. This too is a fairly uncommon ailment for me, so dealing with it is new.
Let's hope all the drugs i'm taking can mitigate my side effects so that i can be at at least 75% during treatment. Maybe 75% is asking too much.
Bummer
I'm pretty sure my hair is going to fall out soon. I recall the doctor or nurse saying that you notice your hair texture changes and your scalp gets itchy before it does. Guess who's been experiencing that today.
I don't want to take up too much time on here since I'm at work, but I needed to get that out. I'm sure there will be more to say on this topic later.
I don't want to take up too much time on here since I'm at work, but I needed to get that out. I'm sure there will be more to say on this topic later.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
My nausea seems to be gone, so that's good. I even just had a McDonald's cheeseburger, so you know I have to be feeling better. However, I'm having some discomfort in my chest, back neck area. I'm not sure if it's a side effect of the chemo, the shot, or something else. It's not pain, but it's like a tightness. It could be the cancer in those parts of my body shrinking.
Yesterday my neck hurt a bit where it's swollen up. Today it looks like the lump has gone down some! Guess the chemo is working. It's just really hard to know right now what's normal and what I should be concerned about. Is what i'm feeling because of the chemo, the shot, am I really sick, something else??
I've also noticed my mouth has become very sensitive. I need to make sure I stay on top of that. Mouth sores are very common and I don't want those, obviously. Time to start gargling with salt water and see if that helps, or else it may be Mary's Magic mouthwash time.
Yesterday my neck hurt a bit where it's swollen up. Today it looks like the lump has gone down some! Guess the chemo is working. It's just really hard to know right now what's normal and what I should be concerned about. Is what i'm feeling because of the chemo, the shot, am I really sick, something else??
I've also noticed my mouth has become very sensitive. I need to make sure I stay on top of that. Mouth sores are very common and I don't want those, obviously. Time to start gargling with salt water and see if that helps, or else it may be Mary's Magic mouthwash time.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I'm bored. After taking an anti-nausea pill this morning and a laxitive, I'm feeling better, although my body still isn't right. I'm sore from the shot and i feel soreness in parts of my neck and chest where I'm pretty sure I have the cancer. Weird huh? I ate some pizza and cereal tonight, so I think that's another reason I feel better. I'm hoping I'm done with the AN pills until my next treatment.
There's nothing on TV and I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to start a book. The hubby is playing video games online with his friends, so I'm trying to entertain myself. Fail. :P
There's nothing on TV and I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to start a book. The hubby is playing video games online with his friends, so I'm trying to entertain myself. Fail. :P
My white blood cells are hopping
That shot I got yesterday to stimulate white blood cell growth appears to be working. I am starting to feel muscle soreness in parts of my body. I took some motrin to try to help control it. Man, I can barely keep track of all the medicine I have in my body, and I may have to put more in it. Ugh.
I haven't taken an anti-nausea pill yet today, and I'm going to hold off until I start to feel ill. Hopefully I won't need any more this round. Let's just see how this toast sits in my belly.
My port area is sore today. I don't know why, it could be because of the white blood cell stimultion, perhaps i slept funny, or it's just angry with me today.
i'm going to try to take it easy today, yet still be productive - do laundry, empty the dishwasher. This treatment round could be the best I feel for a while.
I slept a lot better yesterday. After zoinking out on the couch for an hour and a half, I slept about 7 hours last night, much better than the night before.
I haven't taken an anti-nausea pill yet today, and I'm going to hold off until I start to feel ill. Hopefully I won't need any more this round. Let's just see how this toast sits in my belly.
My port area is sore today. I don't know why, it could be because of the white blood cell stimultion, perhaps i slept funny, or it's just angry with me today.
i'm going to try to take it easy today, yet still be productive - do laundry, empty the dishwasher. This treatment round could be the best I feel for a while.
I slept a lot better yesterday. After zoinking out on the couch for an hour and a half, I slept about 7 hours last night, much better than the night before.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Still hanging in there
I have made it through most of today feeling OK. The anti-nausea pills still seem to be working, although I don't have much of an appetite. I met with the surgeon who put in my port and he said it was healing well. I got the shot at my doctor's office to up my white blood cell count and found out I'm not allergic to it. Then my mom and I went to the mall and ran a few errands. I figured this could be the best I feel for a few days. The shot is supposed to give me bone pain...great. So I could be fighting bone pain and nausea over the next few days. It will be like having the flu.
I'd like to go out and see my friends tonight, but I'd also like to just stay home and rest. It's a dilemma I have: I don't want to wear myself out but yet I want to see people.
I should get a respite from doctor's appointments and such for a few days. I meet with my doctor again next week, but then don't have anything until the following week for blood work and chemo no. 2.
Even though my scale says I haven't lost that much weight, I do find my clothes are getting a little looser. I tried on a pair of pants today at a store I regularly shop at in a size I usually wear there and they just fell off of me. There's no way I'm back down to a size 2. :P
I find myself pretty comfortable on this couch right now. I hope I feel this good tomorrow...
I'd like to go out and see my friends tonight, but I'd also like to just stay home and rest. It's a dilemma I have: I don't want to wear myself out but yet I want to see people.
I should get a respite from doctor's appointments and such for a few days. I meet with my doctor again next week, but then don't have anything until the following week for blood work and chemo no. 2.
Even though my scale says I haven't lost that much weight, I do find my clothes are getting a little looser. I tried on a pair of pants today at a store I regularly shop at in a size I usually wear there and they just fell off of me. There's no way I'm back down to a size 2. :P
I find myself pretty comfortable on this couch right now. I hope I feel this good tomorrow...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
chemo-fied
I made it through my first round of chemo. As my husband affectionately put it, I am 8 1/3 done with chemo if everything goes as scheduled. We got to the office and led back to a private treatment room. The nurse was very quick to get the port poked. Thanks to my numbing cream and a numbing spray, it didn't hurt too bad. I hope that's the case everytime.
Then I met with Dr. Shorty. GOOD NEWS! No cancer in my bone marrow!!!! And the PET scan was positive and showed the cancer only in the spots where they already saw it. Hooray!!! She answered some questions and then off we went.
Then the nice nurse Brandy (who I had earlier this week) administered all my drugs. They first tested my reaction to one of the chemo drugs and we waited an hour. All good, so the chemo really begun. One was red and administered by hand, another went in by hand, andthen two drips. a total of about 3 hours. The room was ok. nice comfy recliner but i definitely should have brought my neat new nap kit thanks to the Mannsmans! I would like to use my own blanket in the future. They have a little TV and vcr and basic cable. NO WE CHANNEL :( If you have comcast, what channel is that? I couldn't findit so that means no Golden Girls at 5.
Jonathan was there to keep me company.I played on my phone, read some of a magazine and tried to watch tv. the anti nausau drugs they gave me seem to be working.I alsotook a sublingual pill when I got home that I'm to take every 8 hours. I hope it works. i feel ok now and had a taco and bit of a sweet roll.
I am already feeling tired and have a headache. the headache could be due to lack of caffine, so ihad a few sips of a coke. the doctor and nurse think this will hit me worse in a few days. ugh. there's also a good chance my hair will start falling out mid may. byebye hair.
I'm sureI'm forgetting a lot of things, but I'm pretty tired right now. I have to have blood work every week and get a shot tomorrow from Dr.Shorty to helpmy white blood cells i think. I also have to take an antibiotic for 10 days.
Sorry if this is hard to read or has problems. i'm typing on a tiny keyboard and i'm too lazy to fix all the problems.
Thnks for all the prayers! They heped me get through it. only 11 more times to go!!!
Then I met with Dr. Shorty. GOOD NEWS! No cancer in my bone marrow!!!! And the PET scan was positive and showed the cancer only in the spots where they already saw it. Hooray!!! She answered some questions and then off we went.
Then the nice nurse Brandy (who I had earlier this week) administered all my drugs. They first tested my reaction to one of the chemo drugs and we waited an hour. All good, so the chemo really begun. One was red and administered by hand, another went in by hand, andthen two drips. a total of about 3 hours. The room was ok. nice comfy recliner but i definitely should have brought my neat new nap kit thanks to the Mannsmans! I would like to use my own blanket in the future. They have a little TV and vcr and basic cable. NO WE CHANNEL :( If you have comcast, what channel is that? I couldn't findit so that means no Golden Girls at 5.
Jonathan was there to keep me company.I played on my phone, read some of a magazine and tried to watch tv. the anti nausau drugs they gave me seem to be working.I alsotook a sublingual pill when I got home that I'm to take every 8 hours. I hope it works. i feel ok now and had a taco and bit of a sweet roll.
I am already feeling tired and have a headache. the headache could be due to lack of caffine, so ihad a few sips of a coke. the doctor and nurse think this will hit me worse in a few days. ugh. there's also a good chance my hair will start falling out mid may. byebye hair.
I'm sureI'm forgetting a lot of things, but I'm pretty tired right now. I have to have blood work every week and get a shot tomorrow from Dr.Shorty to helpmy white blood cells i think. I also have to take an antibiotic for 10 days.
Sorry if this is hard to read or has problems. i'm typing on a tiny keyboard and i'm too lazy to fix all the problems.
Thnks for all the prayers! They heped me get through it. only 11 more times to go!!!
It's time to enter the Thunderdome
All these tests, blood work, crying, anxiety, scans, and port placement have been my conditioning to enter the Thunderome. Today is the day that cancer and I get into that crazy contraption and begin to duke it out. Granted, I could be better prepared by doing more research, talking to more people, or learning how to use a bowstaff or numchucks, but I think I'm adequately prepared. We're going to go a lot of rounds, but I'm confident I'm going to leave cancer's butt in that dome.
But like any good fight, I'm going to get knocked down and have to get back up. Some times I'll feel like tapping out, throwing in the towel,and every other euphemism for giving up. But other days, I'm going to feel like I owned cancer and made him cry like a little girl (or like me when I'm about to have a port put in.)
I feel oddly calm right now. It could be because I've still got some time before I have to leave for Dr. Shorty's office or I've just accepted that stressing out isn't going to help. I do fully expect my anxiety levels to creep up as 1 p.m. gets closer, but that's when I pop another anti-anxiety pill.
I don't like taking drugs if I don't have to. Now I have no choice but to have 4 different chemicals pumped into my body to fight el cancer. Then I'll have to worry about the OTC drugs I'll have to take, plus prescriptions to fight nausea and (i hope not) pain.
I'm still worried about the port puncture. Mort and I are just now starting to get along. I can finally touch him without freaking out. I slept with just one pillow last night instead of being propped up with two. Now, he's about to be the source of pain again for me.
I ate a banana this morning, which if you know me, is a big deal. Usually when I'm nervous, I have no appetite, or even make myself sick. So far so good, but again, thank god for Xanax.
I may get on again this morning before I leave or if i'm up to it, I'll let you know how it went tonight. Maybe we'll have a guest blogger if I'm not feeling up to it.
Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and sends a lot of positive energy my way this afternoon. I'll need it. It's going to be a long day.
But like any good fight, I'm going to get knocked down and have to get back up. Some times I'll feel like tapping out, throwing in the towel,and every other euphemism for giving up. But other days, I'm going to feel like I owned cancer and made him cry like a little girl (or like me when I'm about to have a port put in.)
I feel oddly calm right now. It could be because I've still got some time before I have to leave for Dr. Shorty's office or I've just accepted that stressing out isn't going to help. I do fully expect my anxiety levels to creep up as 1 p.m. gets closer, but that's when I pop another anti-anxiety pill.
I don't like taking drugs if I don't have to. Now I have no choice but to have 4 different chemicals pumped into my body to fight el cancer. Then I'll have to worry about the OTC drugs I'll have to take, plus prescriptions to fight nausea and (i hope not) pain.
I'm still worried about the port puncture. Mort and I are just now starting to get along. I can finally touch him without freaking out. I slept with just one pillow last night instead of being propped up with two. Now, he's about to be the source of pain again for me.
I ate a banana this morning, which if you know me, is a big deal. Usually when I'm nervous, I have no appetite, or even make myself sick. So far so good, but again, thank god for Xanax.
I may get on again this morning before I leave or if i'm up to it, I'll let you know how it went tonight. Maybe we'll have a guest blogger if I'm not feeling up to it.
Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and sends a lot of positive energy my way this afternoon. I'll need it. It's going to be a long day.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I guess this is it
All though I've managed to distract myself pretty well today with work and retail therapy, I've also been doing a lot of thinking. In a sense, today is the last day of my life pre-cancer. Yes, I've had cancer for probably a few months now, but now I know I have it and tomorrow I start chemo. Except for a few bruises, pricks, soreness, and scars, I still feel OK. Like I could wake up tomorrow and this is all a dream, some sick dream where I subject myself to constant pokes of needles, but a dream.
But it's not a dream. Cancer is my new reality and I think tomorrow, while I'm laying there getting my chemo, it will really hit me. I have cancer. This is how it feels to have cancer. This is how it feels to beat cancer. This is how it feels to hate cancer.
I don't have a clue how my body will react to the drugs. Chances are I'll be very tired and nauseous. I'm hoping that the anti-nausea meds they give me work. I also could develop dry mouth, painful mouth sores, constipation, and nerve damage. Fun, huh?
I thought today that this could be the best I feel in months. What if this is the best I ever feel again? Who knows what the cancer will do to me or what illnesses the treatments will cause in the future. It sucks that to beat this, you have to damage the good parts of you and put yourself at risk for future cancers and illnesses.
I think it's going to take a me a little bit to adjust to this new reality, but I want to keep going on with my life as best as I can, even if that means some modifications. I've got weddings and receptions and birthday parties this summer to attend. I want to take care of my yard. I want to still be able to go out shopping and out to eat with my friends. I want to be a good wife for my husband.
I'm oddly calm right now, despite not taking any anti-anxiety meds recently. Tomorrow will probably be a different story. I pray God gives me the strength to take the physical pain and psychological issues cancer brings. I want to maintain a positive attitude, but I know it will be hard. I am going to have to fight my natural tendencies to worry and focus on the negative. That's where you come in. Your words of encouragement so far have been tremendous and it never ceases to amaze me how great the people in my life are. My husband and I are grateful for our wonderful family and friends. I'll need those words of encouragement in the future.
I'm hoping with the combo of the prescription numbing cream and numbing spray, my poke of Mort tomorrow will be bearable. I'm sure over time I'll adjust to it, but serious, who wants to be stabbed in the chest? Ok, I'm being a little dramatic, but you try coping with this!
As I mentioned earlier, I've been coping with retail therapy. Probably not the smartest idea as we are going to owe some medical bills soon. I haven't been going on crazy sprees, but I've picked up a few things online and got some other things tonight. I liked to shop before cancer and damn it, I'm going to continue to shop with it. I'll just try to cut back. ;)
I imagine I'll be a hot mess in the morning, so be prepared for a freaked-out Jenn blog post tomorrow.
But it's not a dream. Cancer is my new reality and I think tomorrow, while I'm laying there getting my chemo, it will really hit me. I have cancer. This is how it feels to have cancer. This is how it feels to beat cancer. This is how it feels to hate cancer.
I don't have a clue how my body will react to the drugs. Chances are I'll be very tired and nauseous. I'm hoping that the anti-nausea meds they give me work. I also could develop dry mouth, painful mouth sores, constipation, and nerve damage. Fun, huh?
I thought today that this could be the best I feel in months. What if this is the best I ever feel again? Who knows what the cancer will do to me or what illnesses the treatments will cause in the future. It sucks that to beat this, you have to damage the good parts of you and put yourself at risk for future cancers and illnesses.
I think it's going to take a me a little bit to adjust to this new reality, but I want to keep going on with my life as best as I can, even if that means some modifications. I've got weddings and receptions and birthday parties this summer to attend. I want to take care of my yard. I want to still be able to go out shopping and out to eat with my friends. I want to be a good wife for my husband.
I'm oddly calm right now, despite not taking any anti-anxiety meds recently. Tomorrow will probably be a different story. I pray God gives me the strength to take the physical pain and psychological issues cancer brings. I want to maintain a positive attitude, but I know it will be hard. I am going to have to fight my natural tendencies to worry and focus on the negative. That's where you come in. Your words of encouragement so far have been tremendous and it never ceases to amaze me how great the people in my life are. My husband and I are grateful for our wonderful family and friends. I'll need those words of encouragement in the future.
I'm hoping with the combo of the prescription numbing cream and numbing spray, my poke of Mort tomorrow will be bearable. I'm sure over time I'll adjust to it, but serious, who wants to be stabbed in the chest? Ok, I'm being a little dramatic, but you try coping with this!
As I mentioned earlier, I've been coping with retail therapy. Probably not the smartest idea as we are going to owe some medical bills soon. I haven't been going on crazy sprees, but I've picked up a few things online and got some other things tonight. I liked to shop before cancer and damn it, I'm going to continue to shop with it. I'll just try to cut back. ;)
I imagine I'll be a hot mess in the morning, so be prepared for a freaked-out Jenn blog post tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Phew
No port poking yet! When I got to Dr. Shorty's office, the nurse suggested they just take my blood draw out of my port. Inside, I was thinking "Noooooooooooooo. This thing hurts right now, and I can't imagine how it will feel after you stab it with a needle." Luckily for me, nice nurse whose name I can't remember decided it still looked too tender and just poked me in the arm for my blood draw. And, it only took two sticks to get the IV in for the PET Scan people.
The PET scan was interesting. They injected the sugars in me and then I hung out in this little room, sitting in a recliner for an hour. I read a People style magazine (which really likes to showcase Lindsey Price for some reason) and then decided to try to nap when they knocked on the door. I had no idea what time it was because I wasn't allowed to wear jewelry and there were no clocks in the room. When it was time for the scan, I had to take off my bra. Then, I had to have my jeans at my knees again, like the last CT scan. Of course, they covered me up.
I laid there with my arms bent up near my head for about 20 minutes as the machine slowly scanned my body. The sounds of the machine were oddly calming as I'm a fan of white noise. I just remember laying there, staring at the dotted ceiling thinking how much can change in just a few short weeks. I also remember thinking that a stain on one of the tiles resembled a beaver.
For those who don't know what a PET scan is, let's pause for an educational moment. If I've already mentioned this, I apologize. The PET scan sees how your cells take sugar. Cancer cells really like sugar so they appear brighter on the scan. But some people get negative readings, which I guess means the cancer cells don't appear any brighter than healthy cells. So, if I get a negative reading, I believe I won't have another after treatment because there's no point. I guess I'm hoping for positive then because it's just one more way to show if the cancer is gone.
Afterward, my dad and I went to the mall for lunch and I got a few things at Old Navy, including a couple summery scarfs. I'm a little self conscious about my port and scars right now, plus this short hair is making me cold! I was shivering so much this morning I turned the heat on in my house. My body temperature was 96.4. That can't be good. But now I feel much warmer, thanks to getting out of the house and one of my new snazy scarfs!
I've found another positive of this short hair. It really makes me look completely different and I believe it makes me look thinner. If it doesn't, please don't tell me that. :)
I've rallied the troops and they are coming over tonight to help us clean our house really well before I start chemo. I think if my house smells fresh and clean and I don't have to worry about cleaning it for a while, that will help me relax more. Not that our house is that dirty, but we've just been so busy lately we've neglected a few things. Again, I must give a shout out to my wonderful family for helping with everything. If they can, they help in anyway possible. It's great to be surrounded by such positive energy.
The PET scan was interesting. They injected the sugars in me and then I hung out in this little room, sitting in a recliner for an hour. I read a People style magazine (which really likes to showcase Lindsey Price for some reason) and then decided to try to nap when they knocked on the door. I had no idea what time it was because I wasn't allowed to wear jewelry and there were no clocks in the room. When it was time for the scan, I had to take off my bra. Then, I had to have my jeans at my knees again, like the last CT scan. Of course, they covered me up.
I laid there with my arms bent up near my head for about 20 minutes as the machine slowly scanned my body. The sounds of the machine were oddly calming as I'm a fan of white noise. I just remember laying there, staring at the dotted ceiling thinking how much can change in just a few short weeks. I also remember thinking that a stain on one of the tiles resembled a beaver.
For those who don't know what a PET scan is, let's pause for an educational moment. If I've already mentioned this, I apologize. The PET scan sees how your cells take sugar. Cancer cells really like sugar so they appear brighter on the scan. But some people get negative readings, which I guess means the cancer cells don't appear any brighter than healthy cells. So, if I get a negative reading, I believe I won't have another after treatment because there's no point. I guess I'm hoping for positive then because it's just one more way to show if the cancer is gone.
Afterward, my dad and I went to the mall for lunch and I got a few things at Old Navy, including a couple summery scarfs. I'm a little self conscious about my port and scars right now, plus this short hair is making me cold! I was shivering so much this morning I turned the heat on in my house. My body temperature was 96.4. That can't be good. But now I feel much warmer, thanks to getting out of the house and one of my new snazy scarfs!
I've found another positive of this short hair. It really makes me look completely different and I believe it makes me look thinner. If it doesn't, please don't tell me that. :)
I've rallied the troops and they are coming over tonight to help us clean our house really well before I start chemo. I think if my house smells fresh and clean and I don't have to worry about cleaning it for a while, that will help me relax more. Not that our house is that dirty, but we've just been so busy lately we've neglected a few things. Again, I must give a shout out to my wonderful family for helping with everything. If they can, they help in anyway possible. It's great to be surrounded by such positive energy.
She makes me anxious
I woke up very on edge this morning. I've had trouble sleeping the last few days. I don't know if it's because I'm close to starting chemo, because of the surgery, or just random bad luck. I have blood work and my PET scan today, which could be the cause of my nerves. Everything should be familiar to me as I've had lots of blood draws and scans lately, but this port changes a lot of things.
I'm nervous they are going to stick me in my port. (I get that that is the point of the port). In fact, I'm having phantom pains in that area just thinking about it. Most people are very happy with their ports in the long run, but I've heard it's kind of rough in the beginning. It's still healing and I'm hoping I can put it off for just a few more days.
I'm also nervous that I won't be able to keep my arm in the position they need during the PET scan. I believe I have to have my hands above my head while laying down, and I think that may be painful.
I laid in bed for about 15 minutes this morning just trying to relax and calm myself down. Like I've mentioned, my mind races the most in the morning. I also popped an generic Xanax this morning. :P
I'm happy with my shorter hair cut, but I do miss my long hair. It kept me warmer and helped to hide my neck bulge and scars. Now it's out there for the world to see if I don't have on a higher-necked shirt. I made it through the haircut without crying. It helped that Jonathan's cousin Whitney could come to do it in my kitchen. I didn't want to go to a salon because a)I'm sore and b) I was afraid I'd start crying when they cut my hair. I always wanted to try a short 'do, and it's kind of sad that cancer had to be my catalyst. But I felt like I had nothing to lose chopping it off (well, except more hair).
Just typing this is making me tear up a little. I've done pretty good about not crying lately. I don't know if it's because I'm becoming more adjusted to my new reality, learning to control my emotions, or becoming more numb to the situation.
I do think I'm going to invest in one of those summery scarfs because I am cold now with my neck exposed! I also bought some books online this morning. Online shopping has become my friend.
I'm nervous they are going to stick me in my port. (I get that that is the point of the port). In fact, I'm having phantom pains in that area just thinking about it. Most people are very happy with their ports in the long run, but I've heard it's kind of rough in the beginning. It's still healing and I'm hoping I can put it off for just a few more days.
I'm also nervous that I won't be able to keep my arm in the position they need during the PET scan. I believe I have to have my hands above my head while laying down, and I think that may be painful.
I laid in bed for about 15 minutes this morning just trying to relax and calm myself down. Like I've mentioned, my mind races the most in the morning. I also popped an generic Xanax this morning. :P
I'm happy with my shorter hair cut, but I do miss my long hair. It kept me warmer and helped to hide my neck bulge and scars. Now it's out there for the world to see if I don't have on a higher-necked shirt. I made it through the haircut without crying. It helped that Jonathan's cousin Whitney could come to do it in my kitchen. I didn't want to go to a salon because a)I'm sore and b) I was afraid I'd start crying when they cut my hair. I always wanted to try a short 'do, and it's kind of sad that cancer had to be my catalyst. But I felt like I had nothing to lose chopping it off (well, except more hair).
Just typing this is making me tear up a little. I've done pretty good about not crying lately. I don't know if it's because I'm becoming more adjusted to my new reality, learning to control my emotions, or becoming more numb to the situation.
I do think I'm going to invest in one of those summery scarfs because I am cold now with my neck exposed! I also bought some books online this morning. Online shopping has become my friend.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Snip snip
I cut my hair off today. It was a pre-emptive strike. I figure if it's going to start falling out, why not mitigate the damages and have less to fall out. My hair hasn't been this short since I was a kid. This is one way I can try to take control of my disease. I'll beat you to the punch cancer!
I went to work today. It was nice being in the office because it took my mind off things, except when the port would hurt. I still must be pretty stiff because my shoulder, neck and back hurt on the right side. I find it hard to relax, maybe because I fear I'll hurt my port. There will be times I'm just standing there and it starts to throb. Not fun.
I have to have a blood draw tomorow and attempt number 2 at my PET scan. I hope the doctor can just use the catheter they use for the blood draw, leave it in, and then I can go to the PET scan people ready to go. I refuse to be poked 6 times again. I also hope that my doctor doesn't use my port for the blood. I'm not ready for that. I know it probably won't hurt anymore than a vein in my arm, but really, who wants a (bigger) needle going in their chest? I don't. But I also don't want cancer, so...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Feeling better today. I'm still really sore, and my shoulder throbs when I get up from laying down to sit up or to sit up from standing. I am getting better, I can tell. Still really limited range of motion, but I'm trying to make myself use my right arm more and reach for more stuff. It doesn't help that because of all the needle pokes, my vein in the middle of my elbow hurts really bad when I straighten it out. i guess it's scarring up while healing.
I definitely feel the port a lot now. It's really weird. If my muscle moves a certain way or I say a certain word to cause my neck tendons to move, I feel the port. it doesn't really hurt, but it's tender and weird and I don't care for it. Probably the hardest thing for me is that I can't just take it out. If something bothers you, you remedy the situation. Is your hair in your face? Put it in a ponytail. Got an itch? you scratch it. Bleeding? Bandaid. Port bothering you? Just uh, well, deal with it.
Thinking about a foreign object in me does make me feel slightly gross and naseous (And one day I'll learn to properly spell nauseous). I think it goes back to that fact I can't take it out, which goes back to lack of control, which goes back to the root of all my issues. I couldn't control getting sick, all the tests, or the chemo i have to through. But I guess I can also look at it as I am taking control of this disease because if I don't, well, you know what happens.
A random woman out West reached out to me after I made a post on a lymphoma page on Facebook. It's been nice to have someone to talk to who's been through this. She was diagnosed 12 years ago when she was just 14. She's cancer free now and sounds like had just a few problems since. That gives me a lot of hope.
Both Jonathan and I got to see friends last night. He went to visit his friends camping and some of my gal pals came over and we just hung out and caught up on all the gossip. It was nice for both of us to get that time. I've been kind of a recluse lately because of all of this, but I don't want to be. Thanks ladies for the company and trashy magazines! :)
I'm hoping to venture out for a little bit today with the hubby to the store, a test to see how I handle riding in cars and such. I plan on going back to work tomorrow. It will also be the first day I can shower since the surgery. I'll be by myself, so hopefully it all goes OK. I may skip drying my hair and just show up at work looking semi unprofessional. oh well. I also plan on a lot of couch time again today.
I definitely feel the port a lot now. It's really weird. If my muscle moves a certain way or I say a certain word to cause my neck tendons to move, I feel the port. it doesn't really hurt, but it's tender and weird and I don't care for it. Probably the hardest thing for me is that I can't just take it out. If something bothers you, you remedy the situation. Is your hair in your face? Put it in a ponytail. Got an itch? you scratch it. Bleeding? Bandaid. Port bothering you? Just uh, well, deal with it.
Thinking about a foreign object in me does make me feel slightly gross and naseous (And one day I'll learn to properly spell nauseous). I think it goes back to that fact I can't take it out, which goes back to lack of control, which goes back to the root of all my issues. I couldn't control getting sick, all the tests, or the chemo i have to through. But I guess I can also look at it as I am taking control of this disease because if I don't, well, you know what happens.
A random woman out West reached out to me after I made a post on a lymphoma page on Facebook. It's been nice to have someone to talk to who's been through this. She was diagnosed 12 years ago when she was just 14. She's cancer free now and sounds like had just a few problems since. That gives me a lot of hope.
Both Jonathan and I got to see friends last night. He went to visit his friends camping and some of my gal pals came over and we just hung out and caught up on all the gossip. It was nice for both of us to get that time. I've been kind of a recluse lately because of all of this, but I don't want to be. Thanks ladies for the company and trashy magazines! :)
I'm hoping to venture out for a little bit today with the hubby to the store, a test to see how I handle riding in cars and such. I plan on going back to work tomorrow. It will also be the first day I can shower since the surgery. I'll be by myself, so hopefully it all goes OK. I may skip drying my hair and just show up at work looking semi unprofessional. oh well. I also plan on a lot of couch time again today.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Wigtastic
If my hair falls out, at least it's good to know I'll have options such as these:
Wow, this is an American Beauty as the wig is named.
Stunning.
I hope it comes in auburn.
This is for when I feel like channeling my inner Dorothy Zsbornak.
Wow, this is an American Beauty as the wig is named. 
Stunning.
I hope it comes in auburn. 
This is for when I feel like channeling my inner Dorothy Zsbornak.
Light the night
Today was the Susan G. Komen walk for breast cancer. It's amazing to see 40,000 people getting together to celebrate survivors, raise money, and participate in memory of those who couldn't beat the disease.
I knew Lymphoma had to have one and it does: Oct. 16 at Victory Field. It's an evening 2 mile walk. I really hope to be winding down with chemo by then and think this would be a great way to celebrate that, while raising money for lukemia and lymphoma research and outreach.
Anyone interested? I don't want to be preachy or force anyone to donate money or do something they don't want to, but I'd like to do it if anyone wants to join me. If there's enough interest, we can start a team!
http://www.lightthenight.org/in/ways/ if you want more info on the Indiana chapter of the LLS.
I knew Lymphoma had to have one and it does: Oct. 16 at Victory Field. It's an evening 2 mile walk. I really hope to be winding down with chemo by then and think this would be a great way to celebrate that, while raising money for lukemia and lymphoma research and outreach.
Anyone interested? I don't want to be preachy or force anyone to donate money or do something they don't want to, but I'd like to do it if anyone wants to join me. If there's enough interest, we can start a team!
http://www.lightthenight.org/in/ways/ if you want more info on the Indiana chapter of the LLS.
Have I mentioned yet how I have such a wonderful husband who takes care of me and puts up with me, especially when I'm whiny? This experience can be a bit strain on our marriage, but I believe it will only make us stronger. We're still newlyweds! I'm so glad he is here to help me through this. I'm also very thankful for the support of our family and friends. I can't say it enough, so thanks everyone. This journey may just be beginning, but I know with everyone's love, paryers, and support, I'll make it through even stronger!
And on a different note, I feel much better right now, but still not great. I had half a sandwich, some teddy grahams, and half a coke. Tylenol and Xanax too. :P Perhaps my better mood has to do with the online shopping I did today. I was looking for more tops that button up and will come up a little higher around my neck, on days I don't want the world to see Mort. I also got a pair of shoes in the mail today, courtesy of Vicki and Kate. So, just in case I don't tell everyone in person or in thank you notes, THANK YOU for everything! I don't plan on being a recluse, just right now I've been so busy and tired. I think once I get into a routine with my treatment, I should be able to get back out there and see people. Just not at bars - chemo = no cigarette smoke and no drinking. Hopefully I'll be in the clear by my 30th birthday and can have a couple celebratory drinks. :)
And on a different note, I feel much better right now, but still not great. I had half a sandwich, some teddy grahams, and half a coke. Tylenol and Xanax too. :P Perhaps my better mood has to do with the online shopping I did today. I was looking for more tops that button up and will come up a little higher around my neck, on days I don't want the world to see Mort. I also got a pair of shoes in the mail today, courtesy of Vicki and Kate. So, just in case I don't tell everyone in person or in thank you notes, THANK YOU for everything! I don't plan on being a recluse, just right now I've been so busy and tired. I think once I get into a routine with my treatment, I should be able to get back out there and see people. Just not at bars - chemo = no cigarette smoke and no drinking. Hopefully I'll be in the clear by my 30th birthday and can have a couple celebratory drinks. :)
The first cut is the deepest
Wow. I was not prepared for how I would feel today. I got up early this morning to go to the bathroom and just about passed out. I felt a lot of pain and throbbing in my port area. I felt dizzy and nauseaus and had to wake up Jonathan just in case I passed out. I've been fighting that feeling all morning. I'm trying to sit up more now so that my wounds are in a different position. Why did I not get any pain pills?? Although unless they are tiny or liquid, wouldn't be able to take them. I have extra strength liquid tylenol, but I think it easily upsets my stomach. I tried eating some dry toast. I also put on a bra, but on the outside of my tank top. The extra support helps. It really is a site to see. :)
Now I know why people hate their ports at first. I hate how much pain I'm in because they cut through skin and muscle, but also because there is a foreign thing in my body. Thinking about that turns my stomach. I've actually tried to not look at it much. Pretty bad I know, but until I feel better I think that's the best option. My lovely husband has decided to stay home and help me out today instead of camping with his friends. I can't really lift anything right now and did I mention how sore I am??
Now I know why people hate their ports at first. I hate how much pain I'm in because they cut through skin and muscle, but also because there is a foreign thing in my body. Thinking about that turns my stomach. I've actually tried to not look at it much. Pretty bad I know, but until I feel better I think that's the best option. My lovely husband has decided to stay home and help me out today instead of camping with his friends. I can't really lift anything right now and did I mention how sore I am??
Friday, April 16, 2010
Drugs are good
I'm alive. I made it through, but it was a bit of an ordeal. I made it an ordeal. I surprisingly didn't throw up this morning out of nerves, which I expected. The hubby and I made our way to the hospital at 6:30 a.m. We registered and I went to the bathroom where I proceeded to cry. And cry. And cry. I don't think I stopped crying until they gave me the happy drugs. I didn't get into surgery until close to 9. They gave me an IV (and got it in on the first try. Have I mentioned how awsome the nurses are at St. Francis????) and gave me something in an IV, I think just something to hydrate me. It made me pee 4 times. Yes. In the midst of my despair and anxiety, I made the poor nurses have to unhook my IV, carry it with me to the bathroom, hang it up in there, and pee. At least we got a chuckle out of that.
Jonathan had to leave to go to work so my parents took over in the pre-surgery waiting. Then, it was time (after pee no. 3). They wheeled me back and I met with Dr. G, who one nurse told me was very handsome. He wasn't too bad looking. He explained everything and then I said, (while crying of course) please don't let me feel anything.
Then it was time for surgery. But of course, I had to pee again. :P So the nice surgery technician wheeled me over to a bathroom, unhooked my IV and I did my business. Then it was show time. The tears were still flowing at this point and the nice nurse took my vitals and tried to calm me down. They had me lay on my stomach for the bone marrow biopsy portion of the procedure. Finally, they gave the drugs. I demanded more. :P I guess I got a lot of drugs. I do kind of remember the biopsy, but it wasn't too bad. Glad I had the drugs. I think I remember rolling over onto my back to being the port procedure. Then I think I blacked out for a while because the next thing I know, I remember talking to Dr. G (at least I think it was the doctor becuase I couldn't see him based on sheet placement) about Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi was playing in the room. Then somehow we started talking about Pearl Jam and Nirvana, to which I said I do not like Pearl Jam. Then the procedure was pretty much over. They wheeled me back to my parents and we waited while the nurses made sure I was ok.
I'm very tired, and pretty sore. The biopsy was in my back just above my hip bone, so to bend over and sit is sore. My port (which I really can't see so I hope it's in there!) is also sore. If I move a certain way, i'm pretty sure I feel it. Sometimes it feels like something is poking me. I have some big red wounds right now.
I can't lift anything heavy for a few days nor can I shower for 3 days. Sorry everyone! :P It is a relief to have it over and just one more step to cementing that yes, I have cancer. I meet with Dr. G next friday to make sure the port's healing OK. I've heard it takes some getting used to having this thing in. My co-worker who's just finishing up her treatments calls it her robotic part. I think I'll call mine Mort. Mort the port. We're in this together, Mort and I.
As always anticipation is always the worse, but still this was no walk in the park. I'm now starting to feel a little ill, so I think I'll lay down. Hopefully I feel better soon because I just sent my dad out for Jimmy John's.
Jonathan had to leave to go to work so my parents took over in the pre-surgery waiting. Then, it was time (after pee no. 3). They wheeled me back and I met with Dr. G, who one nurse told me was very handsome. He wasn't too bad looking. He explained everything and then I said, (while crying of course) please don't let me feel anything.
Then it was time for surgery. But of course, I had to pee again. :P So the nice surgery technician wheeled me over to a bathroom, unhooked my IV and I did my business. Then it was show time. The tears were still flowing at this point and the nice nurse took my vitals and tried to calm me down. They had me lay on my stomach for the bone marrow biopsy portion of the procedure. Finally, they gave the drugs. I demanded more. :P I guess I got a lot of drugs. I do kind of remember the biopsy, but it wasn't too bad. Glad I had the drugs. I think I remember rolling over onto my back to being the port procedure. Then I think I blacked out for a while because the next thing I know, I remember talking to Dr. G (at least I think it was the doctor becuase I couldn't see him based on sheet placement) about Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi was playing in the room. Then somehow we started talking about Pearl Jam and Nirvana, to which I said I do not like Pearl Jam. Then the procedure was pretty much over. They wheeled me back to my parents and we waited while the nurses made sure I was ok.
I'm very tired, and pretty sore. The biopsy was in my back just above my hip bone, so to bend over and sit is sore. My port (which I really can't see so I hope it's in there!) is also sore. If I move a certain way, i'm pretty sure I feel it. Sometimes it feels like something is poking me. I have some big red wounds right now.
I can't lift anything heavy for a few days nor can I shower for 3 days. Sorry everyone! :P It is a relief to have it over and just one more step to cementing that yes, I have cancer. I meet with Dr. G next friday to make sure the port's healing OK. I've heard it takes some getting used to having this thing in. My co-worker who's just finishing up her treatments calls it her robotic part. I think I'll call mine Mort. Mort the port. We're in this together, Mort and I.
As always anticipation is always the worse, but still this was no walk in the park. I'm now starting to feel a little ill, so I think I'll lay down. Hopefully I feel better soon because I just sent my dad out for Jimmy John's.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The nerves are starting to set in for my procedures tomorrow. My craptacular veins are actually making me feel more nervous. If this had happened earlier in the week, I think I'd be a little better knowing they'd be able to get a vein and get the party started. I'm also having phantom pains in my hipbones in anticipation of the biopsy.
I always joke that when I have a baby, can they just knock me out when I start labor and then when I wake up I have my baby? Well, can they just knock me out for the next 6 months or so and then when I wake up I'll be cancer free? That'd be cool. :)Instead I have to suck it up and just do it, as Nike says.
I agree with the hubby that once we get into a routine, this should get better. I'm a creature of routine. I like it for the most part, probably because it's safe.
I'm hoping to get a decent amount of sleep tonight and not wake up every hour because of nerves. Depending how early I wake up, you all may be treated to a pre-surgery blog post. Let's hope the anxiety pills I pop tonight help me in the morning!!!
Extra prayers for me would be appreciated. I can be such a wuss sometimes. :)
I always joke that when I have a baby, can they just knock me out when I start labor and then when I wake up I have my baby? Well, can they just knock me out for the next 6 months or so and then when I wake up I'll be cancer free? That'd be cool. :)Instead I have to suck it up and just do it, as Nike says.
I agree with the hubby that once we get into a routine, this should get better. I'm a creature of routine. I like it for the most part, probably because it's safe.
I'm hoping to get a decent amount of sleep tonight and not wake up every hour because of nerves. Depending how early I wake up, you all may be treated to a pre-surgery blog post. Let's hope the anxiety pills I pop tonight help me in the morning!!!
Extra prayers for me would be appreciated. I can be such a wuss sometimes. :)
It's the little things
I went into work for the morning today. It was nice to get in there. I was able to talk with a co-worker who has just finished chemo and radiation for breast cancer. I believe she's doing well and has beaten the cancer for now. I hope it doesn't come back! She showed me her port, which looks weird and she said feels weird at first but then you get used to it.
She left a nice present for me on my chair before I left. It's a chemo bag - a cute little purse with chemo goodies in it. It has lotion, lip balm, gum, cookies, and a book. things she learned were helpful during chemo. I really appreciated it. I've received a lot of well wishes and presents in the last few weeks. Too bad the reason I'm getting them is crappy, but I love knowing how many people are pulling for me and keeping the hubby and I in their thoughts and prayers. It's nice to get a card in the mail or a nice e-mail. I'm saving them all and plan to put them in a box so I can look at them when I'm having a rough day or look back at them after I've beat the cancer and can say look how great people are!
She left a nice present for me on my chair before I left. It's a chemo bag - a cute little purse with chemo goodies in it. It has lotion, lip balm, gum, cookies, and a book. things she learned were helpful during chemo. I really appreciated it. I've received a lot of well wishes and presents in the last few weeks. Too bad the reason I'm getting them is crappy, but I love knowing how many people are pulling for me and keeping the hubby and I in their thoughts and prayers. It's nice to get a card in the mail or a nice e-mail. I'm saving them all and plan to put them in a box so I can look at them when I'm having a rough day or look back at them after I've beat the cancer and can say look how great people are!
If you stick me with that thing one more time
I had my PET scan scheduled for this afternoon. In theory, I should just be getting done with it. However, the nurse/tech whatever you call them at the imagining center couldn't get the IV in. We came to the conclusion that the IV wasn't going into me after about an hour and probably 5 or 6 attempts. My right hand hurts pretty bad and is already bruised from one attempted. Most of the other attempts feel ok.
The problem is I have been stuck so much this week that it was difficult to find a good vein for the IV. I've had to rescheduled the test for next Tuesday. At least by then I'll have my port. But here's the twist - my oncologist said they couldn't do it through the port. She also asked if I wanted to go to her office to have them put the IV in and then go back, but I was like, sorry I already rescheduled and I didn't want to go through any more pain today (Oh ok, I was actually already in the drive thru for McDonald's, but she didn't need to know that!)
She said Tuesday was ok and if I wanted to, I could go in there first to get my IV put in. She also told me that I AM starting chemo next week. I have to be at her office at 1 p.m. this first time to make sure I won't have an allergic reaction to one of the drugs. I'm sure I'll be on edge that day, but I know this needs to get started. The sooner it gets done, the quicker it's done right??
Everyone say a prayer that my visit tomorrow goes well, they can get the IV in, I get the good drugs, and wake up with my port and biopsy done. I know I'm going to be very anxious tonight and tomorrow morning before this, especially now with all the IV drama.
The problem is I have been stuck so much this week that it was difficult to find a good vein for the IV. I've had to rescheduled the test for next Tuesday. At least by then I'll have my port. But here's the twist - my oncologist said they couldn't do it through the port. She also asked if I wanted to go to her office to have them put the IV in and then go back, but I was like, sorry I already rescheduled and I didn't want to go through any more pain today (Oh ok, I was actually already in the drive thru for McDonald's, but she didn't need to know that!)
She said Tuesday was ok and if I wanted to, I could go in there first to get my IV put in. She also told me that I AM starting chemo next week. I have to be at her office at 1 p.m. this first time to make sure I won't have an allergic reaction to one of the drugs. I'm sure I'll be on edge that day, but I know this needs to get started. The sooner it gets done, the quicker it's done right??
Everyone say a prayer that my visit tomorrow goes well, they can get the IV in, I get the good drugs, and wake up with my port and biopsy done. I know I'm going to be very anxious tonight and tomorrow morning before this, especially now with all the IV drama.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Another needle? Really?
I went for my echo this afternoon. It went ok until they decided they wanted contrast to my heart better. That meant Jenn the human pin cushion was stuck again with a needle and had more fluids put in her. They tried my hand at first since my arms look like hot messes, but eventually decided to try my right arm. The guy got it in the first try. Yes, I'm getting more used to the needles, but doesn't make them any better. That puts this week's needle tally at 4. And I'll have at least 2 more IVs this week because of the pet scan and my port. That's right, the dreaded port has been scheduled.
I have to get to St. Francis South by 6:30 AM on Friday for my port and biopsy. I'm hoping they give me plenty of happy drugs so that I have no clue what's going on and basically "sleep" during it, just as it was when I got my wisdom teeth out. I'm expecting to be pretty sore after waking up. I'm sure I'll have a future blog post on this topic.
Then, after the echo, I drove up to Fishers for my dentist appointment. You know you've had a rough couple of weeks when getting a cavity filled is the easiest procedure you've had all day. No biggie for me since I've had my share of cavities. A month ago, I would have been nervous for this; this time, I was sadly looking forward to it. Hey, if I had to see another doctor, at least I knew what was going happen.
The next few days will be quite busy, but then I'm hoping this weekend i won't be too sore from the port and biopsy and can have a good weekend. I thought I was going to start chemo next Thursday, but Dr. Shorty's office called to set up an appointment just to go over my test results and said I couldn't have chemo that day. I will probably call next week to double check that.
I've gotten words of encouragement from a few strangers who saw I posted on a Hodgkin's site on facebook. That's really nice. One woman has been in remission for 12 years; one's husband just got through it; and one's young daughter battled it about a year ago. I've also been talking to a co-worker who recently finished chemo and radiation for breast cancer to see what her experiences were like. She even had a picture of a port up on her page for me to see. It looks weird, but as long as it doesn't hurt, i'll be cool.
I have to get to St. Francis South by 6:30 AM on Friday for my port and biopsy. I'm hoping they give me plenty of happy drugs so that I have no clue what's going on and basically "sleep" during it, just as it was when I got my wisdom teeth out. I'm expecting to be pretty sore after waking up. I'm sure I'll have a future blog post on this topic.
Then, after the echo, I drove up to Fishers for my dentist appointment. You know you've had a rough couple of weeks when getting a cavity filled is the easiest procedure you've had all day. No biggie for me since I've had my share of cavities. A month ago, I would have been nervous for this; this time, I was sadly looking forward to it. Hey, if I had to see another doctor, at least I knew what was going happen.
The next few days will be quite busy, but then I'm hoping this weekend i won't be too sore from the port and biopsy and can have a good weekend. I thought I was going to start chemo next Thursday, but Dr. Shorty's office called to set up an appointment just to go over my test results and said I couldn't have chemo that day. I will probably call next week to double check that.
I've gotten words of encouragement from a few strangers who saw I posted on a Hodgkin's site on facebook. That's really nice. One woman has been in remission for 12 years; one's husband just got through it; and one's young daughter battled it about a year ago. I've also been talking to a co-worker who recently finished chemo and radiation for breast cancer to see what her experiences were like. She even had a picture of a port up on her page for me to see. It looks weird, but as long as it doesn't hurt, i'll be cool.
Busy busy
I feel like I've barely had time to just sit and relax lately. I'v been running from appointment to appointment. I'm so tired and the chemo hasn't even started! I had an 8 am pulmonary breathing test at St. Francis South, and it went pretty smoothly. Unfortunately, I have a horrible gag reflex which makes it difficult when I have dental work, try to swallow pills, or put large objects in my mouth. (Hold the jokes :P) I couldn't use the original mouth piece because it made me gag, so luckily they could take it off and still do the test. I'm high maintenance. My nerves didn't help and I almost had a breakdown in the little booth because I'm over all this. Funny because my journey is just beginning. I have never been poked, prodded, and IV'd so much in my life. My poor veins. I look like a heroin addict.
This is why they want to put the port in, so it's easier to get drugs and blood. I've heard mixed reviews about ports - basically they suck in the beginning but then you get used to it.
I have a echo scheduled for this afternoon, then I have to dash up to the northside for a cavity filling. I'm not to have dental work while on chemo so I had to squeeze this in where I could. Tomorrow afternoon I have a PET scan, in which they inject sugars in my system for an hour and then I have another scan to see if the sugars and cancer like each other. As Dr. Shorty explained it, this test is to see if the cancer eats the sugar. This is one test to see if your cancer is gone. But sometimes the cancer doesn't eat the sugar, so it gives a negative reading. That's why I have to have one before I get treatment, so I know if the cancer wants the sugar or not. If I turn up negative now, I won't bother to have one after treatment because there's no point. So, that's another 2 hour process tomorrow. I still haven't heard about when my biopsy and port will happen.
I've plopped myself on my couch for the next hour or so to rest before my next appointment. I'm grateful I have so many friends and family around me sending me well wishes, gifts, and making themselves available if needed. I have a feeling once I get the chemo going, I'll need even more help!
This is why they want to put the port in, so it's easier to get drugs and blood. I've heard mixed reviews about ports - basically they suck in the beginning but then you get used to it.
I have a echo scheduled for this afternoon, then I have to dash up to the northside for a cavity filling. I'm not to have dental work while on chemo so I had to squeeze this in where I could. Tomorrow afternoon I have a PET scan, in which they inject sugars in my system for an hour and then I have another scan to see if the sugars and cancer like each other. As Dr. Shorty explained it, this test is to see if the cancer eats the sugar. This is one test to see if your cancer is gone. But sometimes the cancer doesn't eat the sugar, so it gives a negative reading. That's why I have to have one before I get treatment, so I know if the cancer wants the sugar or not. If I turn up negative now, I won't bother to have one after treatment because there's no point. So, that's another 2 hour process tomorrow. I still haven't heard about when my biopsy and port will happen.
I've plopped myself on my couch for the next hour or so to rest before my next appointment. I'm grateful I have so many friends and family around me sending me well wishes, gifts, and making themselves available if needed. I have a feeling once I get the chemo going, I'll need even more help!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
And my stage is...
I'm a barely a 3A. While I was hoping for 2A, I'll take it! I guess I have a few spots on my spleen but nothing major. Treatment won't be any different. Hooray!
Today's been a long day. Let me tell you about our health care system. It is at the same time wonderful and awful. It's been wonderful in our out of pocket expenses have been pretty low. It's been awful because I almost got screwed into pay nearly $10,000 for a test today!
A nurse at IU Cancer Center scheduled a second CT scan for me this morning at St. Francis on the south side since I was already going to be on that side of town meeting with the second oncologist. This nurse failed to pre-certify my test, so when I got there, St. Francis told me that unless I can get it pre-certified with my insurance, I'll have to pay for it. Hell to the no.
The people at St. Francis were wonderful working on calling IU and trying to get them to get this pre-certified. I called the IU nurse and finally we got it worked out. I was still able to have the test on my insurer's dime. But it did irk me that IU dropped the ball on that.
The second CT scan check out my chest, pelvis and abdomen. Results showed pretty much what we already knew, plus the spleen part. But i'm glad it's not down in my groin area or other organs! I had to drink two bottles full of raspberry ice crystal light laced with drugs so that my bits would light up on the scan. that was a struggle. Luckily I hadn't really drank anything yet this morning, so I had an empty belly. They also had to give me dye through an IV. The nurse was great and got it in in one stick!! That's a new world record for me! The scan went very quick. I did find it amusing I had to undo my jeans and have them rest at my knees during the scan. I had a sheet covering me, but it was still funny to me.
I spent the day with my dad since the hubby had to work. It was good for him to see that I'm OK and also meet with a doctor. After our delicious lunch at Wendy's we went to see oncologist No. 2, whom I'll call Dr. Shorty for now. Dr. Shorty's office was busy but everyone was pleasant. Dr. Shorty is a slight woman, but very knowledgeable. She seemed a little harried or frazzled, but she answered all my questions and put both my dad and I at ease. She even managed to get the results of my CT scan during my appointment.
I've decided to go with Dr. Shorty. Dr. McDreamy was nice, and the IU facility is nice, but with Dr. Shorty I am having a bunch of baseline tests done and she'll see me each time I go in for chemo. At IU, I'd only see Dr. McDreamy once a month. Dr. Shorty also seemed more experience and had a better "bedside manner." She also prescribed me some Xanax. holla! Dr. Shorty said I could lose my hair, but it's more likely that I'll have thinning, like lose 50 percent of it. She suggested I cut my hair shorter so it's not as heavy. Maybe I'll try to get a hair cut soon or just do it myself. :P If I do lose it or want a wig, she said she can get me a voucher so that my insurance may pay for it.
So now I have more tests tomorrow but luckily none are invasive. Then I have to head up to the north side to get a cavity filled before my port is put in. I have to have a port put in and a bone marrow biopsy. Those are invasive and I'm not looking forward to them. We're trying to get that worked out on at the same time so I can be sedated for both.
I'm tired. This is physically and emotionally draining, but I'm in a good mood right now. I haven't even taken any Xanax yet.
Today's been a long day. Let me tell you about our health care system. It is at the same time wonderful and awful. It's been wonderful in our out of pocket expenses have been pretty low. It's been awful because I almost got screwed into pay nearly $10,000 for a test today!
A nurse at IU Cancer Center scheduled a second CT scan for me this morning at St. Francis on the south side since I was already going to be on that side of town meeting with the second oncologist. This nurse failed to pre-certify my test, so when I got there, St. Francis told me that unless I can get it pre-certified with my insurance, I'll have to pay for it. Hell to the no.
The people at St. Francis were wonderful working on calling IU and trying to get them to get this pre-certified. I called the IU nurse and finally we got it worked out. I was still able to have the test on my insurer's dime. But it did irk me that IU dropped the ball on that.
The second CT scan check out my chest, pelvis and abdomen. Results showed pretty much what we already knew, plus the spleen part. But i'm glad it's not down in my groin area or other organs! I had to drink two bottles full of raspberry ice crystal light laced with drugs so that my bits would light up on the scan. that was a struggle. Luckily I hadn't really drank anything yet this morning, so I had an empty belly. They also had to give me dye through an IV. The nurse was great and got it in in one stick!! That's a new world record for me! The scan went very quick. I did find it amusing I had to undo my jeans and have them rest at my knees during the scan. I had a sheet covering me, but it was still funny to me.
I spent the day with my dad since the hubby had to work. It was good for him to see that I'm OK and also meet with a doctor. After our delicious lunch at Wendy's we went to see oncologist No. 2, whom I'll call Dr. Shorty for now. Dr. Shorty's office was busy but everyone was pleasant. Dr. Shorty is a slight woman, but very knowledgeable. She seemed a little harried or frazzled, but she answered all my questions and put both my dad and I at ease. She even managed to get the results of my CT scan during my appointment.
I've decided to go with Dr. Shorty. Dr. McDreamy was nice, and the IU facility is nice, but with Dr. Shorty I am having a bunch of baseline tests done and she'll see me each time I go in for chemo. At IU, I'd only see Dr. McDreamy once a month. Dr. Shorty also seemed more experience and had a better "bedside manner." She also prescribed me some Xanax. holla! Dr. Shorty said I could lose my hair, but it's more likely that I'll have thinning, like lose 50 percent of it. She suggested I cut my hair shorter so it's not as heavy. Maybe I'll try to get a hair cut soon or just do it myself. :P If I do lose it or want a wig, she said she can get me a voucher so that my insurance may pay for it.
So now I have more tests tomorrow but luckily none are invasive. Then I have to head up to the north side to get a cavity filled before my port is put in. I have to have a port put in and a bone marrow biopsy. Those are invasive and I'm not looking forward to them. We're trying to get that worked out on at the same time so I can be sedated for both.
I'm tired. This is physically and emotionally draining, but I'm in a good mood right now. I haven't even taken any Xanax yet.
Mornings can be the hardest
I don't have to be anywhere until 10 a.m. this morning, yet I've been up since 6:30 a.m. My nerves are always worst in the morning. I have trouble falling back asleep, and my anxiety seems extra heightened. That's why I try to schedule appointments at least at midday because I know how I am. My thoughts race early in the morning, the anticipation of stuff just gets to me. A lot of times, I get physically sick from my nerves. This is a bad trait of mine that goes back to junior high. People cope with stress and anxiety differently, but I can tell you that Ive never been an emotional eater.
To tell you how bad my nerves have been, I've lost about 5 pounds in two weeks. The irony is I had been working out for months trying to lose weight, but it didn't budget. But, that's actually good, because Dr. McDreamy tells me weight loss is a symptom of this disease and indicates a slightly more serious version/treatment.
Today should actually be a fairly easy day for most people, but because of my nerves, it's still stressful for me. I'm having another CT scan. This time it will include my neck to my abdomen. My first one was just my neck/chest area. But I have to drink something this time, so I'm not looking forward to that. I can't eat or drink when I'm nervous, so, again, this could be a challenge. Couple that with my propensity to get sick when nervous and this could get messy. Literally.
Then I'm meeting with the second oncologist. Hopefully this will be over by 3 so I can figure out what I need to do the rest of this week. I have to cram in a biopsy, dentist appointment,and getting a port. A normal person may try to cram that all in in the same day, but my nerves couldn't handle that. I'm hoping I can get the biopsy done while I'm knocked out getting the port, and then just do the dentist another day.
I don't know how this port thing is going to work. I'm hoping it's not painful or too noticeable. I imagine I'll just get used to it. A friend told me her dad had one and he couldn't shower with it. This could be a problem because we don't have a bathtub. I may have to hit up the parents to use their tub. I can't imagine 6 months of sponge baths. Gross. :P
I'm already tired and ready to go back to bed. I can't tell if it's the cancer, stress, or my emotions that are making me tired. The hubby says he feels tired a lot too. It's just a lot of deal with, but there's no going back now. If I don't do this, I die. We know that's not an option, so I've got to face it head on.
So this is my last weekend to be chemo free. I have no idea how my body will react to the drugs. I pray and hope that my side effects are kept to a minimum and I can function most of the month at a fairly normal rate. One side effect of the chemo is forgetfulness, so if you tell me something and I forget, or I forget your name, don't be offended. :P
To tell you how bad my nerves have been, I've lost about 5 pounds in two weeks. The irony is I had been working out for months trying to lose weight, but it didn't budget. But, that's actually good, because Dr. McDreamy tells me weight loss is a symptom of this disease and indicates a slightly more serious version/treatment.
Today should actually be a fairly easy day for most people, but because of my nerves, it's still stressful for me. I'm having another CT scan. This time it will include my neck to my abdomen. My first one was just my neck/chest area. But I have to drink something this time, so I'm not looking forward to that. I can't eat or drink when I'm nervous, so, again, this could be a challenge. Couple that with my propensity to get sick when nervous and this could get messy. Literally.
Then I'm meeting with the second oncologist. Hopefully this will be over by 3 so I can figure out what I need to do the rest of this week. I have to cram in a biopsy, dentist appointment,and getting a port. A normal person may try to cram that all in in the same day, but my nerves couldn't handle that. I'm hoping I can get the biopsy done while I'm knocked out getting the port, and then just do the dentist another day.
I don't know how this port thing is going to work. I'm hoping it's not painful or too noticeable. I imagine I'll just get used to it. A friend told me her dad had one and he couldn't shower with it. This could be a problem because we don't have a bathtub. I may have to hit up the parents to use their tub. I can't imagine 6 months of sponge baths. Gross. :P
I'm already tired and ready to go back to bed. I can't tell if it's the cancer, stress, or my emotions that are making me tired. The hubby says he feels tired a lot too. It's just a lot of deal with, but there's no going back now. If I don't do this, I die. We know that's not an option, so I've got to face it head on.
So this is my last weekend to be chemo free. I have no idea how my body will react to the drugs. I pray and hope that my side effects are kept to a minimum and I can function most of the month at a fairly normal rate. One side effect of the chemo is forgetfulness, so if you tell me something and I forget, or I forget your name, don't be offended. :P
Monday, April 12, 2010
Warp speed
Two weeks ago, I found a lump. Last Monday, I learned I have cancer. By next Monday, I should be starting chemo. Who pushed the super warp speed button?
I'm going from 15 to 100 mph this week. I met with my first oncologist, who we'll call Dr. McDreamy. Dr. McDreamy was nice, patient, and very much a teaching doctor. He wrote out little notes for me as his student doctor and resident looked on. They weren't love notes, but info on my disease. Oh well. But Dr. McDreamy told me what to expect if I decide to have treatment through IU. I have another CT scan scheduled for tomorrow morning at St. Francis (that's hospital #3 I've been at for this crap)and then I'm meeting with a south side oncologist in the afternoon. After that, I should know where I want to have my treatment. Treatment will pretty much be the same, it's just what package do I want it delivered in?
I need to have a bone marrow biopsy - my hip already is in pain just thinking about it, but Dr. McD says it's really not that bad, like dental work. That's how the doctor who did my neck biopsy described it and it wasn't too bad. I just had to make sure they really pumped me full of lydacane.
After that, I'll definitely know what stage I'm in. We want a 2A. Everyone say it now - 2A! 2A is my best case scenario at this point. The doc thinks I'm a A based on my symptoms, and that's good because apparently if you are a B, that bumps you up a stage in treatment. So being a 2B is like being a 3A.
Once I know my stage, it's time for the port. Luckily they will knock me out for this. Second time in my life to be put under, and last time, I sang "Walk like an Egyptian" when I woke up, and then promptly vomited. Good times. The port is needed because of my finicky veins. No idea what restrictions I'll have with the port, so there will be a scar. I have to decide if I want it in my shoulder/chest area or under my armpit area.
This all will have to happen this week. And I have to squeeze in a dentist appointment at some point because I can't have dental work on chemo. Chemo is supposed to start Monday, that is if I go with IU.
YOWZERS.
I saw the infusion room at IU. Some are private rooms and some are in open areas where you can hang with others getting treatment. You can walk around with this IV thing, go to the bathroom, whatever, so that's nice. Dr. McD says I'd have chemo twice a month and at least 4 cycles. 1 cycle is one month. If I'm a 2A, less chemo, so probably just 4-6 months. 3A or higher, at least 6-8 months. BOOURNS. Treatments take 2-3 hours.
I'm hoping to have minimal reactions so that for the majority of the month I feel OK, can go to work or work from home, and be somewhat normal. Dr. McDreamy said I have a 60 percent chance of losing my hair and if I do, they'd help me with shaving it off and finding a wig.
So that's where i'm at right now. I appreciate all the warm wishes, inspiration cards, and gifts sent our way. It really means a lot of have so many people praying for us and helping us through this. It will be tough, but I'm hopeful. doesn't mean I may not cry, or be a big baby while doing it.
I'm going from 15 to 100 mph this week. I met with my first oncologist, who we'll call Dr. McDreamy. Dr. McDreamy was nice, patient, and very much a teaching doctor. He wrote out little notes for me as his student doctor and resident looked on. They weren't love notes, but info on my disease. Oh well. But Dr. McDreamy told me what to expect if I decide to have treatment through IU. I have another CT scan scheduled for tomorrow morning at St. Francis (that's hospital #3 I've been at for this crap)and then I'm meeting with a south side oncologist in the afternoon. After that, I should know where I want to have my treatment. Treatment will pretty much be the same, it's just what package do I want it delivered in?
I need to have a bone marrow biopsy - my hip already is in pain just thinking about it, but Dr. McD says it's really not that bad, like dental work. That's how the doctor who did my neck biopsy described it and it wasn't too bad. I just had to make sure they really pumped me full of lydacane.
After that, I'll definitely know what stage I'm in. We want a 2A. Everyone say it now - 2A! 2A is my best case scenario at this point. The doc thinks I'm a A based on my symptoms, and that's good because apparently if you are a B, that bumps you up a stage in treatment. So being a 2B is like being a 3A.
Once I know my stage, it's time for the port. Luckily they will knock me out for this. Second time in my life to be put under, and last time, I sang "Walk like an Egyptian" when I woke up, and then promptly vomited. Good times. The port is needed because of my finicky veins. No idea what restrictions I'll have with the port, so there will be a scar. I have to decide if I want it in my shoulder/chest area or under my armpit area.
This all will have to happen this week. And I have to squeeze in a dentist appointment at some point because I can't have dental work on chemo. Chemo is supposed to start Monday, that is if I go with IU.
YOWZERS.
I saw the infusion room at IU. Some are private rooms and some are in open areas where you can hang with others getting treatment. You can walk around with this IV thing, go to the bathroom, whatever, so that's nice. Dr. McD says I'd have chemo twice a month and at least 4 cycles. 1 cycle is one month. If I'm a 2A, less chemo, so probably just 4-6 months. 3A or higher, at least 6-8 months. BOOURNS. Treatments take 2-3 hours.
I'm hoping to have minimal reactions so that for the majority of the month I feel OK, can go to work or work from home, and be somewhat normal. Dr. McDreamy said I have a 60 percent chance of losing my hair and if I do, they'd help me with shaving it off and finding a wig.
So that's where i'm at right now. I appreciate all the warm wishes, inspiration cards, and gifts sent our way. It really means a lot of have so many people praying for us and helping us through this. It will be tough, but I'm hopeful. doesn't mean I may not cry, or be a big baby while doing it.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I wear many hats
Or at least I will. I was out running errands and found myself in Macy's tonight. I walked by a bunch of hats and paused. There were those fancy derby style hats and then some more hip kind of hats like paperboy hats or whatever they are called. I thought "well, I'm probably going to need some hats" so I decided to try some on. It's kind of hard to visualize myself without hair, but I did as best as I could. I settled on a "Britney Spears" type girly baseball hat and this cute floppy straw hat. The straw hat will be good because it hides a lot of my head, so if i'm feeling especially self conscious, that will help hide I'm lacking hair (I hope). I think it's a little strange to be buying them now, but I'm trying to be prepared and they were on sale. I love a good sale.
At first, I thought wouldn't it be fun to wear some crazy hats? Rockin a top hat would be cool right? But then, I realized that would just draw even more attention to me, which I hate, so I've nixed that idea for now. I told my husband I need to get a good IU baseball hat and a Yankees hat, since we are a Yankees household.
At first, I thought wouldn't it be fun to wear some crazy hats? Rockin a top hat would be cool right? But then, I realized that would just draw even more attention to me, which I hate, so I've nixed that idea for now. I told my husband I need to get a good IU baseball hat and a Yankees hat, since we are a Yankees household.
The red one or the blue one?
I took the white one. I tried my anxiety medication last night to see how I'd react. I wasn't really anxious, but wanted to try it over the weekend. I think it made me lose my balance and kind of lightheaded, two noted side effects. Can't say if I'm any more relaxed but I don't notice it. I told the hubby that I didn't really feel anything and he said to take another (jokingly). I think he wants to see me all loopy on drugs. Just you wait honey.
You give me fever
I have yet to have a fever with this cancer, yet I seem to have just caught one. I suddenly have baby fever. For those of you who know me, I'll give you a moment to wrap your heads around that one.
I want to have kids, but always wanted to keep putting it off because I'm selfish and like the freedom I have to do whatever I want. If the hubby and I want to stay out late, no big deal! Sleep until 10? Done! But a baby would change that. Now I want that baby.
An unfortunate possibility of having chem/radiation is it could affect my fertility. I think a lot of strides have been made where that has been lessened, but it's still a possiblity. I already have worries based on my past medical history that I'll be a tough conceiver, but this doesn't help.
So of course, something I can't have now or in the immediate future suddenly becomes so desirable to me. Babies symbolize hope, new beginnings, cuddly little poopers. Hopefully once cancer rides off into the sunset and lets me be me again, I'll be able to have one of those little poopers. We're also quite open to adoption if having it the "free" way doesn't work out. I know this is something in the future that I shouldn't be wasting my energy or thoughts on, but again, if you know me, I always think ahead. I'm a planner (although I must have missed cancer penciled into my datebook). To be honest, the thought of having a baby makes this a tiny bit more tolerable and gives me an extra goal to work toward fighting the cancer.
I want to have kids, but always wanted to keep putting it off because I'm selfish and like the freedom I have to do whatever I want. If the hubby and I want to stay out late, no big deal! Sleep until 10? Done! But a baby would change that. Now I want that baby.
An unfortunate possibility of having chem/radiation is it could affect my fertility. I think a lot of strides have been made where that has been lessened, but it's still a possiblity. I already have worries based on my past medical history that I'll be a tough conceiver, but this doesn't help.
So of course, something I can't have now or in the immediate future suddenly becomes so desirable to me. Babies symbolize hope, new beginnings, cuddly little poopers. Hopefully once cancer rides off into the sunset and lets me be me again, I'll be able to have one of those little poopers. We're also quite open to adoption if having it the "free" way doesn't work out. I know this is something in the future that I shouldn't be wasting my energy or thoughts on, but again, if you know me, I always think ahead. I'm a planner (although I must have missed cancer penciled into my datebook). To be honest, the thought of having a baby makes this a tiny bit more tolerable and gives me an extra goal to work toward fighting the cancer.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Roller coaster ride
These next few months or even years will be filled with a lot of ups and downs. Let's take these past two days as examples. I've been very freaked out, with good reason I think, and that stress has caused me to break out in rashes and have panic attacks. I saw negative statistics and experiences and internalized them. Today, I'm doing much better! I haven't really cried and I'm generally more positive. I wonder if this is what it's like to be bipolar...
I did have some bad news from the dentist - I have to have a tiny cavity filled before it gets worse. I already hate the dentist, so on top of everything else, this irks me. But at least I've been through this procedure a dozen or more times.
Finally, I'm seriously considering anxiety medication. I worry about what the side effects may be and how I'll be on them. I've never taken this type of medication before. I think I'm going to give it a shot (unless the pills are big and then that's game over (and a future blog post)).
I did have some bad news from the dentist - I have to have a tiny cavity filled before it gets worse. I already hate the dentist, so on top of everything else, this irks me. But at least I've been through this procedure a dozen or more times.
Finally, I'm seriously considering anxiety medication. I worry about what the side effects may be and how I'll be on them. I've never taken this type of medication before. I think I'm going to give it a shot (unless the pills are big and then that's game over (and a future blog post)).
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
itchy
I did some googling of rash and lymphoma and found some other people who experienced extreme itching of the skin before treatment and then after. Although my doctor doesn't think it's related (based on the brief phone call we had earlier this evening) I think it is. I never have rashes and this comes and goes all over the top half of my body. Actually my whole body itches, but you only see rashes on the top half. Great...
I shouldn't have done that
I broke my rule and looked at a message board for HL. Bad idea. I think I just had a mini panic attack. My heart started racing, I felt incredibly nauseous and thought I was going to pass out. I read about people's struggles and one person even announced that someone had just died from the disease. I came across one post about how will her marriage survive? I've thought that too, as my husband and I have been married for just 9 months. NINE MONTHS.
Then I came across some statistics about survival rates for the different stages of HL. I don't know what stage I'm in but I'm pretty sure I'm at least stage II, maybe stage III, but I pray not stage IV. According to these statistics, stages III and IV have worse survival statistics. My husband tells me that these things can be skewed, but still. To read 60 percent survival rate freaks me out. That's much worse than 95 percent.
In case you don't know, HL is broken up in 4 stages and two other types. Stage I the cancer is isolated into one area of lymph nodes; stage II it's in two or more lymph nodes above the diaphragm; stage III it's in lymphnodes below and above the diaphragm; Stage IV, it's gotten into your bone marrow and or spleen. You're also an A or B, depending on your syptoms. I'm pretty sure I'm an A. honestly, I'm praying i'm a 2A. I'd accept 3A, but 4A will crush me.
I don't know if it's stress, a result of the disease, or an allergic reaction, but I've had rashes over my neck and shoulder on the left side where the cancer is and now i just found a bunch of bumps on my right forearm. I'm kind of freaked out because I never get rashes. I called my doctor, who advised me to take a benedryl. She doesn't think it's related to the cancer.
OK I think I've calmed down enough now to get up. I really don't know how I'm going to do this.
Then I came across some statistics about survival rates for the different stages of HL. I don't know what stage I'm in but I'm pretty sure I'm at least stage II, maybe stage III, but I pray not stage IV. According to these statistics, stages III and IV have worse survival statistics. My husband tells me that these things can be skewed, but still. To read 60 percent survival rate freaks me out. That's much worse than 95 percent.
In case you don't know, HL is broken up in 4 stages and two other types. Stage I the cancer is isolated into one area of lymph nodes; stage II it's in two or more lymph nodes above the diaphragm; stage III it's in lymphnodes below and above the diaphragm; Stage IV, it's gotten into your bone marrow and or spleen. You're also an A or B, depending on your syptoms. I'm pretty sure I'm an A. honestly, I'm praying i'm a 2A. I'd accept 3A, but 4A will crush me.
I don't know if it's stress, a result of the disease, or an allergic reaction, but I've had rashes over my neck and shoulder on the left side where the cancer is and now i just found a bunch of bumps on my right forearm. I'm kind of freaked out because I never get rashes. I called my doctor, who advised me to take a benedryl. She doesn't think it's related to the cancer.
OK I think I've calmed down enough now to get up. I really don't know how I'm going to do this.
Why not me
I think whenever anyone experiences a major negative life change, you immediately ask "Why me?" I did that, but then I thought "Why not me?" I'm not any more special than anyone else, so of course this can happen to me.
I've also wrestled with the feeling of could I have prevented this or caught it sooner? I've had symptoms for several months, but ignored them. Perhaps if I had gone to the doctor sooner, I would have caught this in its early stage and would have saved myself a lot of pain. But, I also don't want to waste energy thinking "what ifs" and blaming myself. I have cancer and I just need to accept it. Although I'm not sure if I've truly accepted it yet. It's real, yet because I haven't undergone treatment, I still feel pretty much like I did last week. I have cancer, shouldn't I feel like I have it, whatever that may feel like?
You see, I don't really like getting out of my comfort zone. No, you can't make me ride a roller coaster or jump into deep water. I can always walk away from a situation that makes me uncomfortable and move on. But not with this. I'm about to be pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I'm afraid it will break me.
I can't bury my head in the sand with this, I've got to confront it head on. I have no choice.
I went back into the office today for the first time since finding out. Everyone there has been great and very supportive. Unfortunately, our office is experienced in dealing with people who have chronic illnesses or cancer. And for a lot of the time at work, I forgot momentarily that I have cancer. But then I would read something, hear something, see something, (lovely co-workers give you a card and cupcakes) and suddenly it all would come rushing back. I get overwhelmed and frightened. I cry. I cry pretty easily anyway, but right now, anything seems to be able to set me off. I'm hoping to keep the crying at work to a minimum. :P
At this point, I still can't comprehend what's in store for me. I tried reading some online support groups for people with Hodgkin's and I started to freak out and stopped. I think at this point, ignorance is still bliss.
I've also wrestled with the feeling of could I have prevented this or caught it sooner? I've had symptoms for several months, but ignored them. Perhaps if I had gone to the doctor sooner, I would have caught this in its early stage and would have saved myself a lot of pain. But, I also don't want to waste energy thinking "what ifs" and blaming myself. I have cancer and I just need to accept it. Although I'm not sure if I've truly accepted it yet. It's real, yet because I haven't undergone treatment, I still feel pretty much like I did last week. I have cancer, shouldn't I feel like I have it, whatever that may feel like?
You see, I don't really like getting out of my comfort zone. No, you can't make me ride a roller coaster or jump into deep water. I can always walk away from a situation that makes me uncomfortable and move on. But not with this. I'm about to be pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I'm afraid it will break me.
I can't bury my head in the sand with this, I've got to confront it head on. I have no choice.
I went back into the office today for the first time since finding out. Everyone there has been great and very supportive. Unfortunately, our office is experienced in dealing with people who have chronic illnesses or cancer. And for a lot of the time at work, I forgot momentarily that I have cancer. But then I would read something, hear something, see something, (lovely co-workers give you a card and cupcakes) and suddenly it all would come rushing back. I get overwhelmed and frightened. I cry. I cry pretty easily anyway, but right now, anything seems to be able to set me off. I'm hoping to keep the crying at work to a minimum. :P
At this point, I still can't comprehend what's in store for me. I tried reading some online support groups for people with Hodgkin's and I started to freak out and stopped. I think at this point, ignorance is still bliss.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Meeting with doctor, part I
I met with my family doctor today for a follow up. She wanted to see how I was and I think just try to calm me down. She explained a little more about my diagnosis, but really couldn't answer any questions on what my actual treatment will be, side effects, etc. You'll have to wait until Meeting with doctor, part II next week for that. I have an appointment with a doctor at IU Med Center downtown Monday. Hopefully I like this doctor and facility or I'm looking for a new one. If these people are going to see me at my worst, I better be comfortable around them.
One semi-positive side effect of the cancer is it has curtailed my desire to shop. Ok, I'm lying a bit, but it really has made me realize that I need that money for other things. I'm actually going now to take some things back that still have tags on them. On the one hand, it makes me sad becuase my husband jokes I "bond" with my clothes and that's why I buy them. But, on the other hand, I can think of better uses for $40.
I've also learned that alcohol can aggravate my condition and make my lymphnodes painful. BOOURNS. Guess I won't be self medicating.
Anyone else have "One shining moment" stuck in their head? Really, all I have is that line running on repeat, along with Coldplay's "The Scientist", especially the line that says "Nobody said it was easy."
One semi-positive side effect of the cancer is it has curtailed my desire to shop. Ok, I'm lying a bit, but it really has made me realize that I need that money for other things. I'm actually going now to take some things back that still have tags on them. On the one hand, it makes me sad becuase my husband jokes I "bond" with my clothes and that's why I buy them. But, on the other hand, I can think of better uses for $40.
I've also learned that alcohol can aggravate my condition and make my lymphnodes painful. BOOURNS. Guess I won't be self medicating.
Anyone else have "One shining moment" stuck in their head? Really, all I have is that line running on repeat, along with Coldplay's "The Scientist", especially the line that says "Nobody said it was easy."
D-day (Diagnosis-day)
April 5, 2010. That's when I learned I have cancer. Hodgkin's lymphoma. I suspected it after the gammut of tests I had, but to finally hear the words was both devastating and a relief.
Several people suggested I write about my experiences and I decided to go the 21st century route and blog. Why keep these thoughts to myself? People may want to know the details and I figure I've got nothing to hide.
It's really surreal to comprehend and say "I have cancer." I don't really feel sick, although I'm sore in some spots. Looking back, I see that I had some of the signs, but I ignored them because I didn't think they were major. I never had a fever, I didn't lose weight, I never felt sick. Heck, I just ran a 5k in early March, and had been running and working out for months. I worked out pretty hard the Tuesday I noticed the lump.
The hubby was golfing that evening, so after work I decided to go to Target and see if I couldn't pick myself up something pretty. In the dressing room, I noticed the left side of my neck was really swollen. It didn't hurt, but it looked like I had bulked up, but just on the left side. I called a couple people for advice, thinking it was just a pulled muscle. I iced it, took some ibuprofen, and went to work the next day. It wasn't until my co-worker gasped at the sight of it did I think, hmmm, maybe not a pulled muscle.
I got into my doctor who immediately ordered me to Clarian West for an ultra sound. At this point, I never thought cancer. I was thinking maybe it's an infection. I had been coughing a lot lately. But once the ultra sound nurse and doctor looked at the results and told me not to leave, I knew I was in trouble. When they said they wanted a CT scan and I biopsy, I lost it. I know what biopsys are for, although they never said cancer.
So several tests later, I come to learn I've got Hodgkin's disease (or as they now call it Hodgkin's lymphoma). I've been told this is one of the "better" cancers to have because it's very treatable. Survival rates are very high.
Anyone who knows me knows I handle stress great and I'm never anxious...Actually I've been a hot mess. I've held up better than I thought, but I'm still freaking out. I think I've already lost weight. I'm very scared for the actual treatment. I don't think I'm a very strong person, I'm wussy when it comes to doctors, and I've been very lucky in my life that i've had minimal health problems. I have awful veins. These next few months are going to be interesting...
You may be wondering why I subtitled my blog Thunderdome style. Why not? Actually, I was trying to think of some clever name, which usually yields no clever results. But I figure if I have to take on cancer, I'm doing it in a steel cage. Maybe Tina Turner will make a guest appearance.
My goal is to update this as frequently as I can. I think it will be cathartic, or at least allow me to flex my creative muscle. I'm not a strong creative writer. That journalism background lets me tell you the facts, but not always with pizzaz. I want pizzaz!
Several people suggested I write about my experiences and I decided to go the 21st century route and blog. Why keep these thoughts to myself? People may want to know the details and I figure I've got nothing to hide.
It's really surreal to comprehend and say "I have cancer." I don't really feel sick, although I'm sore in some spots. Looking back, I see that I had some of the signs, but I ignored them because I didn't think they were major. I never had a fever, I didn't lose weight, I never felt sick. Heck, I just ran a 5k in early March, and had been running and working out for months. I worked out pretty hard the Tuesday I noticed the lump.
The hubby was golfing that evening, so after work I decided to go to Target and see if I couldn't pick myself up something pretty. In the dressing room, I noticed the left side of my neck was really swollen. It didn't hurt, but it looked like I had bulked up, but just on the left side. I called a couple people for advice, thinking it was just a pulled muscle. I iced it, took some ibuprofen, and went to work the next day. It wasn't until my co-worker gasped at the sight of it did I think, hmmm, maybe not a pulled muscle.
I got into my doctor who immediately ordered me to Clarian West for an ultra sound. At this point, I never thought cancer. I was thinking maybe it's an infection. I had been coughing a lot lately. But once the ultra sound nurse and doctor looked at the results and told me not to leave, I knew I was in trouble. When they said they wanted a CT scan and I biopsy, I lost it. I know what biopsys are for, although they never said cancer.
So several tests later, I come to learn I've got Hodgkin's disease (or as they now call it Hodgkin's lymphoma). I've been told this is one of the "better" cancers to have because it's very treatable. Survival rates are very high.
Anyone who knows me knows I handle stress great and I'm never anxious...Actually I've been a hot mess. I've held up better than I thought, but I'm still freaking out. I think I've already lost weight. I'm very scared for the actual treatment. I don't think I'm a very strong person, I'm wussy when it comes to doctors, and I've been very lucky in my life that i've had minimal health problems. I have awful veins. These next few months are going to be interesting...
You may be wondering why I subtitled my blog Thunderdome style. Why not? Actually, I was trying to think of some clever name, which usually yields no clever results. But I figure if I have to take on cancer, I'm doing it in a steel cage. Maybe Tina Turner will make a guest appearance.
My goal is to update this as frequently as I can. I think it will be cathartic, or at least allow me to flex my creative muscle. I'm not a strong creative writer. That journalism background lets me tell you the facts, but not always with pizzaz. I want pizzaz!
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