It couldn't have been timed better - 3 wigs showed up in the mail today. these are on loan from a family friend who recently overcame breast cancer. They are pretty cute short wigs, i just have to figure out how to wear them.
But for now, i put them in a corner of a room I don't go in a lot. I really don't want to look at them because it's just a reminder of what may come. I can hope that my hair doesn't fall out, or enough stays in that I won't need to shave it off or wear a wig, but I'm not going to expect that outcome. One of the hardest parts of cancer may be the outward markers of it. When you see a woman with a shaved head, you think she's sick (unless she's Sinead O'Connor or something). At least, that's what I assume. So when I go to work, go out to the store, or wherever, if I've lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, or whatever, you will notice. Wigs are helpful, but I don't know if it can replace the confidence hair gives you. I love my hair. It's my best feature. I hope it comes back the same as it is now, but outlook doubtful.
I had two women compliment me on my hair cut today. One asked if I liked it, and I smiled and kind of shrugged. I like my hair, but not the reason for cutting it. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I have cancer, so I'm not going to say "Actually, I cut it because it's probably just going to fall out because I have cancer." ooh, awkward.
I'm glad I went into work today. It helped distract me from some symptoms I've having. It was also there that I realized my hair may be getting ready to fall out. i tried not to cry about it, especially after being complimented on my hair cut. But at the same time, I'm easily distracted and find my thoughts wandering off to lala land, whether it be about how I'm sick or just some other random thought. I'm liking the next to my building parking space. It will be very helpful in the future and probably spoil me. I don't like the price tag however. Oh well. it's worth it.
I've still got mouth, throat, and chest discomfort. The chest one is the one that bothers me the most. My doc suggested taking an antacid to see if that helps. I go in on Thursday, but if it's really bothering me, they will see me earlier. I am not sure if the chest discomfort is related to the mouth sores, just heartburn, my cancer dying or something else. It's in the center of my chest and it it's like a burning. I never really get heartburn so I'm not sure. There's also a tightness, but it doesn't hurt to breathe in or out, so I guess that's good.
I've also noticed my skin is drying out, and so are my eyes. If it's a mucuous membrane, it seems to be irritated. Not fun. Know what else isn't fun? Constipation. This too is a fairly uncommon ailment for me, so dealing with it is new.
Let's hope all the drugs i'm taking can mitigate my side effects so that i can be at at least 75% during treatment. Maybe 75% is asking too much.
75% is not asking too much. We all want to be healthy and when are bodies don't cooperate despite us doing all that we are supposed to do, well, it sucks big hairy donkey balls. It is absolutely OK to cry.
ReplyDeleteAnd your hair is pretty. I've always been jealous of redheads (no, really, I'm not lying. Maybe it is my obsession with Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables!) But you know what? Your hair is not your best feature. Why? Because no physical feature could be better than your personality. You are one of the funniest, kindest, most interesting people I know. And THOSE qualities, my dear, are your best features. It is not your hair that makes all your friends want to comfort you and get you through this. Rather it is the fact that you carried us all during difficult times. You made us laugh when we wanted to cry. You stepped in during an obsession with the color pink and stopped some ill-advised purchases (OK, so maybe that was just me, but still!) That's why we all love you Jenn, because of who you are, which is more than your hair.
Even so, it is OK to cry. We're all here for you even if some of us can't physically be "here". My coworker Janet has been asking about you and sending positive energy to you as well--you've got people caring about you all over the country! :)
love ya,
Katie
I agree with what Katie said!!!! You are one of the best people I know for many reasons. You were the best roomie, you're the one I go to when I need a shopping buddy because of your awesome fashion sense, and you were there for me in rough days. Not just anyone would come to the hospital after a long day at work and spend time helping me get up and walk around the halls, and even fewer people would come sit through my first shower to make sure I made it through. You rock and I will be there for you in any way I can! Much love to my hetero life partner! :)
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