All though I've managed to distract myself pretty well today with work and retail therapy, I've also been doing a lot of thinking. In a sense, today is the last day of my life pre-cancer. Yes, I've had cancer for probably a few months now, but now I know I have it and tomorrow I start chemo. Except for a few bruises, pricks, soreness, and scars, I still feel OK. Like I could wake up tomorrow and this is all a dream, some sick dream where I subject myself to constant pokes of needles, but a dream.
But it's not a dream. Cancer is my new reality and I think tomorrow, while I'm laying there getting my chemo, it will really hit me. I have cancer. This is how it feels to have cancer. This is how it feels to beat cancer. This is how it feels to hate cancer.
I don't have a clue how my body will react to the drugs. Chances are I'll be very tired and nauseous. I'm hoping that the anti-nausea meds they give me work. I also could develop dry mouth, painful mouth sores, constipation, and nerve damage. Fun, huh?
I thought today that this could be the best I feel in months. What if this is the best I ever feel again? Who knows what the cancer will do to me or what illnesses the treatments will cause in the future. It sucks that to beat this, you have to damage the good parts of you and put yourself at risk for future cancers and illnesses.
I think it's going to take a me a little bit to adjust to this new reality, but I want to keep going on with my life as best as I can, even if that means some modifications. I've got weddings and receptions and birthday parties this summer to attend. I want to take care of my yard. I want to still be able to go out shopping and out to eat with my friends. I want to be a good wife for my husband.
I'm oddly calm right now, despite not taking any anti-anxiety meds recently. Tomorrow will probably be a different story. I pray God gives me the strength to take the physical pain and psychological issues cancer brings. I want to maintain a positive attitude, but I know it will be hard. I am going to have to fight my natural tendencies to worry and focus on the negative. That's where you come in. Your words of encouragement so far have been tremendous and it never ceases to amaze me how great the people in my life are. My husband and I are grateful for our wonderful family and friends. I'll need those words of encouragement in the future.
I'm hoping with the combo of the prescription numbing cream and numbing spray, my poke of Mort tomorrow will be bearable. I'm sure over time I'll adjust to it, but serious, who wants to be stabbed in the chest? Ok, I'm being a little dramatic, but you try coping with this!
As I mentioned earlier, I've been coping with retail therapy. Probably not the smartest idea as we are going to owe some medical bills soon. I haven't been going on crazy sprees, but I've picked up a few things online and got some other things tonight. I liked to shop before cancer and damn it, I'm going to continue to shop with it. I'll just try to cut back. ;)
I imagine I'll be a hot mess in the morning, so be prepared for a freaked-out Jenn blog post tomorrow.
A little bit of retail therapy is fine. You'll survive the medical bills, sometimes we all just need to escape. And, since no more wine, shoes fill in nicely! Seriously, you can do this. And six months from now, when you have your clean bill of health, you are going to feel good again.
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