All these tests, blood work, crying, anxiety, scans, and port placement have been my conditioning to enter the Thunderome. Today is the day that cancer and I get into that crazy contraption and begin to duke it out. Granted, I could be better prepared by doing more research, talking to more people, or learning how to use a bowstaff or numchucks, but I think I'm adequately prepared. We're going to go a lot of rounds, but I'm confident I'm going to leave cancer's butt in that dome.
But like any good fight, I'm going to get knocked down and have to get back up. Some times I'll feel like tapping out, throwing in the towel,and every other euphemism for giving up. But other days, I'm going to feel like I owned cancer and made him cry like a little girl (or like me when I'm about to have a port put in.)
I feel oddly calm right now. It could be because I've still got some time before I have to leave for Dr. Shorty's office or I've just accepted that stressing out isn't going to help. I do fully expect my anxiety levels to creep up as 1 p.m. gets closer, but that's when I pop another anti-anxiety pill.
I don't like taking drugs if I don't have to. Now I have no choice but to have 4 different chemicals pumped into my body to fight el cancer. Then I'll have to worry about the OTC drugs I'll have to take, plus prescriptions to fight nausea and (i hope not) pain.
I'm still worried about the port puncture. Mort and I are just now starting to get along. I can finally touch him without freaking out. I slept with just one pillow last night instead of being propped up with two. Now, he's about to be the source of pain again for me.
I ate a banana this morning, which if you know me, is a big deal. Usually when I'm nervous, I have no appetite, or even make myself sick. So far so good, but again, thank god for Xanax.
I may get on again this morning before I leave or if i'm up to it, I'll let you know how it went tonight. Maybe we'll have a guest blogger if I'm not feeling up to it.
Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and sends a lot of positive energy my way this afternoon. I'll need it. It's going to be a long day.
Whatever positive energy I have (you know me and know my cynical nature generally!) is being directed your way. You are loved by lots of people who are thinking and praying for you. You will make it.
ReplyDeleteKatie
Day #1 means just 1 day closer to the end...
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers, Elisha & Mike
Jenn, I am overwhelmed by your candor and pray that you will not forget that you are never alone or abandoned or forgotten by friends and family or friends of family even when it is the darkest and that most of all Psalm 23 was written just for you. It's a personal psalm intended just for you, a beloved child of God. Have courage and cling to the truth of love where ever you see, feel or hear it. -sah
ReplyDeleteAs we enter the Thunderdome, remember there are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.
ReplyDelete- Dwight Schrute