She makes me anxious

I woke up very on edge this morning. I've had trouble sleeping the last few days. I don't know if it's because I'm close to starting chemo, because of the surgery, or just random bad luck. I have blood work and my PET scan today, which could be the cause of my nerves. Everything should be familiar to me as I've had lots of blood draws and scans lately, but this port changes a lot of things.

I'm nervous they are going to stick me in my port. (I get that that is the point of the port). In fact, I'm having phantom pains in that area just thinking about it. Most people are very happy with their ports in the long run, but I've heard it's kind of rough in the beginning. It's still healing and I'm hoping I can put it off for just a few more days.

I'm also nervous that I won't be able to keep my arm in the position they need during the PET scan. I believe I have to have my hands above my head while laying down, and I think that may be painful.

I laid in bed for about 15 minutes this morning just trying to relax and calm myself down. Like I've mentioned, my mind races the most in the morning. I also popped an generic Xanax this morning. :P

I'm happy with my shorter hair cut, but I do miss my long hair. It kept me warmer and helped to hide my neck bulge and scars. Now it's out there for the world to see if I don't have on a higher-necked shirt. I made it through the haircut without crying. It helped that Jonathan's cousin Whitney could come to do it in my kitchen. I didn't want to go to a salon because a)I'm sore and b) I was afraid I'd start crying when they cut my hair. I always wanted to try a short 'do, and it's kind of sad that cancer had to be my catalyst. But I felt like I had nothing to lose chopping it off (well, except more hair).

Just typing this is making me tear up a little. I've done pretty good about not crying lately. I don't know if it's because I'm becoming more adjusted to my new reality, learning to control my emotions, or becoming more numb to the situation.

I do think I'm going to invest in one of those summery scarfs because I am cold now with my neck exposed! I also bought some books online this morning. Online shopping has become my friend.