I don't have to be anywhere until 10 a.m. this morning, yet I've been up since 6:30 a.m. My nerves are always worst in the morning. I have trouble falling back asleep, and my anxiety seems extra heightened. That's why I try to schedule appointments at least at midday because I know how I am. My thoughts race early in the morning, the anticipation of stuff just gets to me. A lot of times, I get physically sick from my nerves. This is a bad trait of mine that goes back to junior high. People cope with stress and anxiety differently, but I can tell you that Ive never been an emotional eater.
To tell you how bad my nerves have been, I've lost about 5 pounds in two weeks. The irony is I had been working out for months trying to lose weight, but it didn't budget. But, that's actually good, because Dr. McDreamy tells me weight loss is a symptom of this disease and indicates a slightly more serious version/treatment.
Today should actually be a fairly easy day for most people, but because of my nerves, it's still stressful for me. I'm having another CT scan. This time it will include my neck to my abdomen. My first one was just my neck/chest area. But I have to drink something this time, so I'm not looking forward to that. I can't eat or drink when I'm nervous, so, again, this could be a challenge. Couple that with my propensity to get sick when nervous and this could get messy. Literally.
Then I'm meeting with the second oncologist. Hopefully this will be over by 3 so I can figure out what I need to do the rest of this week. I have to cram in a biopsy, dentist appointment,and getting a port. A normal person may try to cram that all in in the same day, but my nerves couldn't handle that. I'm hoping I can get the biopsy done while I'm knocked out getting the port, and then just do the dentist another day.
I don't know how this port thing is going to work. I'm hoping it's not painful or too noticeable. I imagine I'll just get used to it. A friend told me her dad had one and he couldn't shower with it. This could be a problem because we don't have a bathtub. I may have to hit up the parents to use their tub. I can't imagine 6 months of sponge baths. Gross. :P
I'm already tired and ready to go back to bed. I can't tell if it's the cancer, stress, or my emotions that are making me tired. The hubby says he feels tired a lot too. It's just a lot of deal with, but there's no going back now. If I don't do this, I die. We know that's not an option, so I've got to face it head on.
So this is my last weekend to be chemo free. I have no idea how my body will react to the drugs. I pray and hope that my side effects are kept to a minimum and I can function most of the month at a fairly normal rate. One side effect of the chemo is forgetfulness, so if you tell me something and I forget, or I forget your name, don't be offended. :P
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