Why not me

I think whenever anyone experiences a major negative life change, you immediately ask "Why me?" I did that, but then I thought "Why not me?" I'm not any more special than anyone else, so of course this can happen to me.
I've also wrestled with the feeling of could I have prevented this or caught it sooner? I've had symptoms for several months, but ignored them. Perhaps if I had gone to the doctor sooner, I would have caught this in its early stage and would have saved myself a lot of pain. But, I also don't want to waste energy thinking "what ifs" and blaming myself. I have cancer and I just need to accept it. Although I'm not sure if I've truly accepted it yet. It's real, yet because I haven't undergone treatment, I still feel pretty much like I did last week. I have cancer, shouldn't I feel like I have it, whatever that may feel like?
You see, I don't really like getting out of my comfort zone. No, you can't make me ride a roller coaster or jump into deep water. I can always walk away from a situation that makes me uncomfortable and move on. But not with this. I'm about to be pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I'm afraid it will break me.
I can't bury my head in the sand with this, I've got to confront it head on. I have no choice.
I went back into the office today for the first time since finding out. Everyone there has been great and very supportive. Unfortunately, our office is experienced in dealing with people who have chronic illnesses or cancer. And for a lot of the time at work, I forgot momentarily that I have cancer. But then I would read something, hear something, see something, (lovely co-workers give you a card and cupcakes) and suddenly it all would come rushing back. I get overwhelmed and frightened. I cry. I cry pretty easily anyway, but right now, anything seems to be able to set me off. I'm hoping to keep the crying at work to a minimum. :P
At this point, I still can't comprehend what's in store for me. I tried reading some online support groups for people with Hodgkin's and I started to freak out and stopped. I think at this point, ignorance is still bliss.